And the big news? (Good News Week 16/3/09: monologue)

It’s all happening in Canberra. The number of job ads
is plummeting as the govt. tries to get its new I.R. laws passed. Certainly there’s been a lot of layoffs in the WorkChoices advertising sector.

Though unions will be on the look out for a fresh bunch of heavies. We were warned…

The government is trying desperately to get rid of WorkChoices and get its new I.R. laws passed. It’s like clicking on an enormous, slow-motion “undo” button.

The global financial crisis has proven that business-led capitalism has failed, so it seems only sensible to fix it by handing power back to the unions. And if business doesn’t hire extra workers as a result, well they haven’t been listening, have they.

The Opposition now seems to think Work Choices isn’t dead, it’s more undead. Like Peter Costello. / Like the Treasurer who built it.

The Opposition now seems to think Work Choices isn’t dead. And if it is, it can still rise from the grave after dark when they call upon the power of Head Vampire Costello. / Evil Lord Costello.

Job ads are plummeting, though Malcolm Turnbull is still hoping to announce a vacancy in the seat of Higgins…

***

Depending on who you believe, the emissions trading scheme, a draft of which the govt. released this week, will cost jobs, create jobs, smash the economy, invigorate the economy, penalise polluters, reward polluters, hurt the planet, help the planet & make rugby league players drink more. In fact, about the only thing it won’t do is make any difference to climate change.

Depending on who you believe, the emissions trading scheme, a draft of which the govt. released this week, will cost jobs, create jobs, smash the economy, invigorate the economy, penalise polluters, reward polluters, hurt the planet and help the planet. But one thing everyone agrees is that they know climate science better than everyone else.

Sure, no-one can agree whether the emissions trading scheme will help or hurt the economy, the environment, or old-school energy companies. But they all agree that they don’t need to understand how it works to argue about it till they’re blue in the face.

By taking a sensible middle ground approach, Rudd’s government has ensured that it’ll cost a fortune to satisfy no-one.

Of course no-one will know whether the scheme will work or not until we’re all drowning in the Pacific, using floating bits of Antarctica as life-rafts to escape from the rampant bushfires and deadly cyclones.

And of course Andrew Bolt refuses to accept that the scheme actually exists unless he receives indisputable scientific proof. In fact, he’s not even sure that HE exists. / In fact, he refuses to even believe that he actually exists until he sees it printed on the front cover of New Scientist.

***

The Australian Coal Industry is trying to get more compensation out of the govt by lobbying backbenchers with a slide-show campaign. And who said the coal industry was a bit backward? / irrelevant, outdated, and a waste of time?

The Australian Coal Industry is trying to get more compensation out of the govt by lobbying backbenchers with a slide-show campaign. They’d use PowerPoint but it seemed suspiciously “up to date”. / “modern”.

They would have used PowerPoint but it was suffering a brown-out.

They also handed out a very attractive information stone tablet. / sheet of papyrus.

They need extra compensation or they’ll be forced to switch to a solar-powered slide projector.

***

Meanwhile, the new head of the govt’s nuclear research agency said Australia must keep the nuclear power option on the table. According to Dr. Adi Paterson, solar and wind power offer us no chance whatsoever of turning into radioactive mutants. / into X-Men – and he’s already bagsed Wolverine!

According to Dr. Adi Paterson, “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.” Sure, there’s lots to be concerned about, worried about, unsure about, and even terrified about – but no embarrassment.

According to Dr. Adi Paterson, “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.” Instead, we should just be shit-scared.

According to the new head of the govt’s nuclear research agency, Dr. Adi Paterson, nuclear power is “nothing to be embarrassed about.” Melting down happens to plenty of men.

He says nuclear power is “nothing to be embarrassed about.” As long as you don’t mind talking openly about your spent fuel rod.

More and more countries are closing their fossil fuel plants and embracing reactors, and, when the time comes for an apocalyptic world-wide nuclear meltdown, he doesn’t want to see Australia missing out.

More and more countries are closing their fossil fuel plants and embracing reactors. Because the idea of getting unlimited free energy from the sun or the wind still seems a bit weird. / Because, to countries used to capitalist economies, the idea of getting unlimited free energy from the sun or the wind still seems a bit weird.

Nuclear power is not just greenhouse-gas-free compared to fossil fuels, it also has the potential to create thousands more fossils! / it also has the potential to create thousands more fossils, which will create the fuel of the future! See, they’re not dangerously capitalising on the fuel shortage to make loads of money – they’re thinking a million years into the big picture.

***

Pacific Brands, the clothing company trying to justify axing almost 2000 jobs, is paying a P.R. company up to $50,000 a month in “crisis management”. Hey, maybe when they’ve fixed up their crisis they can P.R. the world out of the financial one!

Pacific Brands, the clothing company trying to justify axing almost 2000 jobs, is paying a P.R. company up to $50,000 a month in “crisis management”. So far, the P.R company has come up with the slogan “we’re flying to Barbados”. / “at least SOMEONE’s got a job”. / “workers schmerkers”.

The P.R. company’s first move was to minimise collateral fall-out from the downsizing. So they had all the sacked workers killed. / had all the sacked workers “disappeared”…

Pacific Brands wants us, the taxpayers, to fund them seven million bucks for research & development. They say it’ll help them employ some researchers who can engineer their own technological obsolescence.

Pacific Brands wants us, the taxpayers, to fund them seven million bucks for research & development. They’re researching the best way to get seven million dollars from taxpayers.

***

A new report estimated Australian banks will collect more than 5 BILLION dollars in fees in the coming year, the poor, struggling poppets. But in return the banks have promise to do the best to keep the ink filled in their little chain-pens.

A new report estimated Australian banks will collect more than 5 BILLION dollars in fees in the coming year, the poor, struggling poppets. No wonder our politicians are refusing to call it a “recession” – their buddies are raking it in! / are having the time of their lives! / to their buddies, it’s a “windfall”! / “party”!

Australian Banks are estimated to collect 5 billion dollars in fees in the coming year. No wonder they can’t pass on all the interest rate cuts, the interest charges are the only thing making the fees look reasonable.

Australian Banks are estimated to collect 5 billion dollars in fees in the coming year. Shame they can’t pay for MORE THAN ONE TELLER AT LUNCH TIME!

***

Barack Obama admitted the U.S. wasn’t winning in Afghanistan. You’ll be able to tell when they’re winning, because they’ll have some idea of where Osama is.

Barack Obama still refuses to admit that the U.S. is losing the war in Afghanistan, but has recently admitted that they’re “not winning”. He prefers to think of it as “scoring the silver medal”. / “scoring silver”. / “coming a close second”.

Barack Obama admitted the U.S. wasn’t winning in Afghanistan, & vowed to reach out to “moderate elements” of the Taliban. You know, the ones who only believe Mohammed was only HALF prophet. / the ones who only believe women should be kept indoors SOME of the time. / the ones who only chop off ONE of your hands.

Barack Obama has vowed to reach out to “moderate elements” of the Taliban. That is, the ones not firing yet. / You know, the dead ones.

Obama vowed to reach out to “moderate elements” of the Taliban. Like that Osama chap. Cool name.

Obama vowed to reach out to “moderate elements” of the Taliban. You know, those moderate fundamentalists.

Obama vowed to reach out to “moderate elements” of the Taliban. Oh yeah. They’re bound to be influential.

Obama vowed to reach out to “moderate elements” of the Taliban. For instance the women.

Obama vowed to reach out to “moderate elements” of the Taliban. They’re the ones who support stoning, suppression of women, bans on music, recreation and alcohol, but would really like to fly a kite.

Observers said the insurgents probably wouldn’t go
for it, because, you know, they’re winning. But Obama says if they don’t, then the U.S. army will continue strewing their own body parts around and screaming in pain until they do. Take THAT, Taliban!

Obama is reviewing policy to find a new strategy,
& signalled that “reconciliation” could emerge as an important initiative. He could strike some sort of deal – just give us Osama and you can have the Middle East.

Obama is reviewing policy to find a new strategy,
& signalled that “reconciliation” could emerge as an important initiative. That’s what makes Obama so different to Dubya – he always thought “reconciliation” was a foolish Chinese reconnaissance man. Recon–silly–Asian? Geddit? Recon–silly–Asian? Hmph.

But he conceded reconciliation would be “a challenge”. In the same way as finding Osama has been “a challenge”. / finding Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction was “a challenge”.

***

To coincide with International Women’s Day, the official Vatican newspaper posed this question: “In the 20th century, what contributed most to the emancipation of western women?” And their answer? The washing machine. Ahh, the Vatican – they’ve really got their finger on the pulse. / the home of progress. / the home of progressive thinking.

Of course the Vatican believes the washing machine has emancipated women more than the pill or access to abortion – they don’t ALLOW the pill or access to abortion.

The washing machine! Freeing women to double the drudgery in the same time!

At last women don’t need to remove stains from their husband’s clothing by hand! Now that’s emancipated!

The article paid tribute to the “sublime mystique” of being able to change the sheets twice a week instead of once, not to mention the joy of fresh clean clothing on their husbands.

It also said advances in washing machine technology had given us “the image of the super woman, smiling, made-up & radiant among the appliances of her house.” Yep, the Vatican loves a 1940s feminist. / Unfortunately the Vatican’s type of feminist is under threat. Most of them have died of old age.

It also said advances in washing machine technology had given us “the image of the super woman, smiling, made-up & radiant among the appliances of her house.” That fake, unrealistic, outdated image. Almost as fake, unrealistic and outdated as that guy on the cross.

But of COURSE the Vatican is championing an outdated and unrealistic image of feminism. After all, these are the same people who think we should all live by a set of rules that are 2000 years out of date.

It also said advances in washing machine technology had given us “the image of the super woman, smiling, made-up & radiant among the appliances of her house.” The last fifty years of the century was just a lot of useless bra-burning and breast-beating by women who already had it all!

Ah, the Pope. He may have renounced his Nazi Youth, but he still gets nostalgic for the ‘40s.

But, of course, if there’d been washing machines in Christ’s day, the Shroud of Turin would’ve come out whiter than white and enzyme-fresh!

Because, after all, there’s nothing the church likes better than a whitewash.

And it’s perfect for feminists who want to get the burn marks out of their bra!

***

It emerged Katie Holmes resolves problems with hubby Tom Cruise by making weekly written confessions,
as laid out in the Scientology code. I knew Scientology was wacky, but that’s nearly as crazy as Catholicism.

It emerged Katie Holmes resolves problems with hubby Tom Cruise by making weekly written confessions. See – Scientologists are really just Catholics in Space.

It emerged Katie Holmes resolves problems with hubby Tom Cruise by making weekly written confessions,
as laid out in the Scientology code. Which is like the Da Vinci Code, but not quite as coherent.

It emerged Katie Holmes has to resolve problems with hubby Tom Cruise by making weekly written confessions, like “I married a total arsetard”.

She has to confess something as minor as forgetting
to tell Tom she met with a friend, or that she forgot to lock the door on the space-pod.

She has to confess something as minor as forgetting
to tell Tom she met with a friend. It saves Tom having to beat it out of her.

The written confessions are then faxed to her interplanetary masters, and any things she’s forgotten to tell Tom are beamed back down so he can issue her penance. Not the most efficient system but the Scientologists do things their way.

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