Designer Bub (Good News Week 16/3/09: What’s the Story)

Advances in embryonic cell analysis has meant a Los Angeles fertility clinic is able to offer designer babies. At last my five-armed, nine-legged baby will no longer be just a crazy dream.

It’s great! With this technology, finally I can have a baby that looks just like Mikey. My prayers have been answered!

Sure, but can they design one that doesn’t shit, vomit, or cry?

Sure, but can they design one that can change its own nappies, put itself to sleep, and that contributes to the household income? NO.

Of course the most expensive designer babies come labelled Prada.

Of course once a few designer babies start appearing, everyone will want one. Got to keep up with the embry-onses.

Of course it’s hard to tell an embryo’s hair colour, so to get a blonde one they just go for the one with the DNA that’s not-so-smart.

It’s not genetic modification, it’s embryonic selection. Just pick the one with the blonde lump.

It’s not genetic modification, it’s embryonic selection. You pick the best looking one – and the ugly ones must die.

It’s not genetic modification, it’s embryonic selection. So if you want a blonde but don’t end up with any blonde embryos you probably need to get a new spouse.

At long last, black-haired ugly people are able to have babies that are blonde. Still ugly.

Through DNA analysis, scientists can identify thousands of characteristics of the embryo, whereas by eye they all just look like creepy little peanutty insects.

So in the future, all men will be tall, dark and handsome, all women will be blonde and buxom, and all fertility specialists will be filthy rich. / dress in suits made of solid gold.

The technology has been developed in Los Angeles. Which is lucky – they’re born pretty ugly over there. How else can you explain all the cosmetic surgery?

He says everyone in LA wants a straight nose and high cheekbones. They all want to look like Mr Squiggle.

It costs about 18,000 dollars, but it actually turns out quite cheap – you’re saving them who knows how many facelifts, nips and tucks later in life.

There’s a guarantee: if you don’t get the baby you ordered, free extermination.

Of course, if your child then ends up being obese or has a skin condition, you can get them put down. It’s only fair.

The director of the clinic, Jeff Steinberg, said if he was willing to live with getting “smacked around by people who think it is inappropriate”. He can use those smacks to shape the baby appropriately.

He says that science is moving forward, and that if he has to get “smacked around” for it, then that’s fine by him. I say let’s all go round to his place and smack him around a bit.

He says that it’s just the unstoppable force of science moving forward, the ever-marching will of human power, and the final technological solution of the Aryan master race! HEIL HITLER!

He says that, personally, it’s not the scientific creation of an Aryan master race that he enjoys – it’s the brutal crushing of all the substandard embryos! / it’s feeding all the substandard embryos into the blender.

The geneticist that pioneered the technology only intended it to choose healthy babies, free of genetic diseases, and is outraged by Steinberg’s proposal. As he said, “Traits are not diseases. Except red hair.”

Remember this, folks, whenever a scientist says “no, don’t worry, this new morally dubious technique will only ever be used for health reasons”, they are either lying, deluded or seriously self-medicated. / it means jack diddly foobar.

“Oh no, don’t worry, this new morally dubious technique will only ever be used for health reasons”… oh yeah, my firm little ARSE it will.

But if you’re going to order supermodel features, better couple that with low self-esteem. / better include a side of humility. / try to choose one without the eating disorder.

But of course, once someone’s designed the perfect baby, everyone’s going to want THAT one, and everyone will look the same. So then, in this stark homogenous world of the future, parents are going to want to pick the ugliest children they can find, just so they stand out – and there won’t be any to choose from. STOP THE MADNESS NOW!

But of course, once someone’s designed the perfect baby, everyone’s going to want THAT one, and everyone will look the same. And then, when they all grow up, the world will just be a grim homogenous sea of high cheekbones. Except, of course, for all the poor countries that make up 95 percent of the world. Huh, losers.

The whole thing’s silly. ALL babies are adorable. Except those ones that look like a punched-in orange leaking mucous.

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