Good Next Week (GNW 18/5/09: closing)

Tues, May 19
The Pussycat Dolls begin their Australian tour tomorrow. Doncha wish they wouldn’t. / I couldn’t give a BEEP!

The Pussycat Dolls begin their Australian tour tomorrow. Followed by the tour of The Raging Feminists.

The Pussycat Dolls begin their Australian tour tomorrow, and, under attack for using sexist innuendo, change their name to The Pussycunt Holes.

The Pussycat Dolls will begin their Australian tour. It’s called the “Check Out Our Tits So You Don’t Focus Too Much On Our Lip-Synching” Tour.

Wed, May 20
Wednesday is East Timor Independence Day! Indonesia will be celebrating with a brutal crackdown on human rights.

East Timor Independence Day should be a riot!

Wednesday sees East Timor Independence Day celebrated with the traditional “running of the protesters, under a hail of bullets”. Should be a blast! / Human-rights-abusing fun for the whole family!

Sydney will host a summit on “Ethics of the Financial Crisis”, and will discover there aren’t any! / discover it’s every man for himself.

Sydney will host a summit on “Ethics of the Financial Crisis”. Keynote speeches include “Extortion For Fun And Profit”, “Kissing Arses and Breaking Bones” and “Is Cannibalism Really All THAT Bad?”

Brewer Lion Nathan will announce its mid-term results – “RAWWWRR!”

Brewer Lion Nathan will announce its mid-term results, which is that Nathan is a really lame name for a lion.

Shadow Treasurer Joe Hockey will give his budget reply at the National Press Club in Canberra, while Joe Budget reports on the hockey.

On Wednesday, Shadow Treasurer Joe Hockey will give his budget reply, and Peter Costello will reckon Hockey and Swan’s efforts both stink.

Thurs, May 21
Thursday’s “AFL Hall Of Fame Awards” dinner will be cancelled when responsibility for the bill just gets handballed around.

Thursday’s “AFL Hall Of Fame Awards” dinner will get off to a bad start when someone speccies all over the entrée.

Perth Sexpo kicks off on Thursday, “sexpo” of course being short for “sexposition”. And you should definitely see at least one of those. / And if there’s one thing you’ll see there, it’s sex positions.

Macquarie Airports’ annual general meeting will go smoothly – all bikies will be killed.

This year’s Victorian “Rock Paper Scissors” Championships will be opened up to Stones, Fabric and Stanley Knives. / Pebbles, Cardboard and Staplers.

This year’s Victorian “Rock Paper Scissors” Championships will get off to a bad start when one player is stabbed, one is crushed with a rock, and one gets a nasty papercut. / finds themselves wrapped up in paper, unable to escape!

This year’s Victorian “Rock Paper Scissors” Championships will be played with real rocks, papers and scissors. Suddenly it’s a lot more interesting.

Fri, May 22
The 2009 Melbourne Italian Festival will be held in Carlton-Sicily. Mama mia!

Eminem will release his new album, and his new alter-ego Fat Oldy.

On Friday, Eminem will release his new album, entitled “I Know I’m Irrelevant These Days But Surely Someone’s Gunna Buy It”.

Coca-Cola Amatil’s annual general meeting will be not just healthy for kids, but contain no cocaine!

On Friday, Coca-Cola Amatil’s annual general meeting will not be quite as good as Pepsi’s.

Sat, May 23
On Saturday, the Salvation Army will knock on your door, ring on your bell, and declare war on Satan.

Saturday is the Salvation Army Red Shield doorknock appeal, so give generously. That is if you have any spare doorknockers shaped like red shields.

Saturday’s National Bonsai Convention in Brisbane will have a very small turn out… / will be a lot smaller than expected.

Brisbane’s National Bonsai Convention will be overshadowed by the plants in the foyer.

Saturday is the National Bonsai Convention – great fun for kids under 3 inches.

Brisbane’s National Bonsai Convention will end in tragedy when three ants plummet to their death.

In Alaska, the World Beard & Moustache Championships will be won by an Italian grandmother. Mama mia!

The World Beard & Moustache Championships will be won by a woman in Alaska. And, if you want to know what it’s like for her to win, if I see her, Alaska.

Sun, May 24
Kidney Health Week will be to dialysise for.

To mark Kidney Health Week, Sunday’s opening night pissup will be cancelled.

Sunday’s Australia-New Zealand Psychiatrists Conference will be held in Adelaide. Are these people crazy???

Adelaide will host the Australia-New Zealand Psychiatrists Conference, if that’s what you think.

Adelaide will host the Australia-New Zealand Psychiatrists Conference. You’d be CRAAAZY to miss it!

Adelaide will host the Australia-New Zealand Psychiatrists Conference. No crazies.

This year’s New South Wales “Rock Paper Scissors” Championships will be cancelled when everyone realises that there’s no WAY paper can possibly beat rock. The whole thing’s a sham!

This year’s New South Wales “Rock Paper Scissors” Championships will be won by Scimitar.

This year’s New South Wales “Rock Paper Scissors” Championships will be disrupted by terrorism when someone throws a Dynamite.

Le tournoi ouvert français de tennis commence à Paris, si vous donnez une merde.

On Sunday, the French Open. Shhh – no-one tell Damir Dokic!

The French Open begins on Sunday. I’m looking forward to the opening match between Jelena Dokic and a rocket launcher.

On Sunday, the French Open begins at Roland-Garros, and finishes with dessert.

Mon, May 25
James Hardie will announce its full-year results, or as-best-os they can do.

Next Monday, James Hardie will announce its full-year results: five dead and seventeen hospitalised.

Next Monday’s Amusement Park Association’s annual conference will start out extremely positive, then become very negative, then very positive, then really negative again, then very very positive, then quite negative once more. (It’ll be an emotional rollercoaster.)

On Monday, the Amusement Park Association will hold their annual conference, and, depending on how well things go, will either gather afterwards in the Ghost Train, or the Tunnel of Love.

At their annual conference, the Amusement Park Association will decide that because of the economic crisis all ghost trains and tunnels of terror will be made scarier by a complete absence of safety standards.

Next Monday, the winner of “Clean Beaches Australia” is announced. Bad luck Cronulla. / Maybe this year, Cronulla!

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