Glass House

Political Witch-Doctoring (cut from The Glass House 2/11/05)

Tanzania’s politicians are sneaking around after dark to get witch doctors to help them win this month’s election. I don’t know why they don’t just rig it like in a normal country.

Tanzania’s coastal region of Bagamoyo is renowned for the quality of its witch-doctors: they’ve managed to predict the results of every election for the last 30 years. And dispose of the bodies…

The spells usually involve sewing verses written in red ink into the clothes of the aspiring MP. Or for more money, they just voudou the opposition to death.

In fact, they’re thinking of scrapping the elections altogether, and just asking witch-doctors to look into the future and see who will win…

Witch-doctors predict who will win the election by gazing into the guts of a freshly-killed goat. It’s lucky politicians look so much like goat intestines.

Candidates are also trotting out zombie supporters at their campaign launches. It helps fill up the hall. And brains are much cheaper than aperitifs.

I believe in the power of electoral voudou – I mean, my Latham doll worked a treat!

We need voudou in our elections. Popping a coupla bits of paper into a cardboard box is so lame compared to hacking open the throat of a live goat and removing its scrotum with your teeth.

The election campaign is great: “Vote for me, or my legion of zombies will eat your brains!” Oh, sorry that’s not the Tanzanian election, that’s the Tasmanian election.

One witch doctor has predicted that there will be violence after the election. “Well there has to be – the Prime Minister needs to pull out the beating heart of the Opposition Leader or the spell won’t be complete!”

Most witch-doctors are predicting the election will be won by the Vampires. The Werewolves still haven’t got a decent tax policy.

Most of their clients are politicians – though some are people with broken clocks who thought they were watch-doctors.

The region of Zanzibar is renowned for politicians attempting to rig elections with vote-tampering. Why can’t they respect the wishes of their electorate and rig elections by voudou?

Imagine if we had brainless zombies voting in Australia. We could end up with John Howard… oh no – THEY’RE ALREADY HERE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Howard has a plan to create his own army of zombie slaves. He calls it “WorkChoices”.

Howard’s also looking into creating an army of zombie slaves. The first few are on the WorkChoices ads.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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