Navratagrunty (GNW 22/6/09: monologue)

Martina Navratilova has called for a ban on tennis-related grunting. Not only does she want to ban the grunt, but the screech, the whinny, the quack, and the plop.

She claims the noise is “cheating”, as it distracts the player from their game. And as far as I’m concerned, they should ban those short skirts too – it distracts viewers from the game.

Instead of grunting, players will be encouraged to bark. Just because it’s funnier.

From now on, tennis players will have to honk.

She says that hearing the sound of the ball on the racquet is an important part of playing the game, and that obscuring that with a grunt is cheating. It’s like, if every time you went to kick the footy, someone yelled out “chewy on your boot”. Oh, that’s right. Martina – grow a pair! Oh, that’s right. You already have one.

Back in the old days, tennis players never grunted. Instead, they went “gosh”. / they curtseyed to the King and ordered elevenses.

Personally, I think they should keep it. I don’t mind seeing hot young fit women grunting as they fight over balls.

It’s a disgrace. If I wanted to see hot young fit women grunting as they slap balls, I’d go round to Mikey’s. / I wouldn’t be watching the tennis.

Former tennis ace (see what I did there?) Martina Navratilova has demanded a crackdown on grunting! That’s going to really disrupt swine-tennis.

Navratilova described grunting as cheating. Whereas I describe it as hot.

Navratilova said that she found grunting from other players an enormous distraction. They knew it turned her on.

Navratilova’s plan is to detect grunts with a system similar to the line-call technology hawk-eye, which she’s calling grunt-ear. / dyke-ear. / pig’s-ear.

She’s the Queen of the riled grunt-ear.

It will take expert ears to determine what exactly constitutes a grunt, but fortunately every major tennis stadium employs a gruntsman.

Although it may be difficult to define a “grunt”. Sometimes, I’d say it’s more of a groan, while other times it’s more of a sudden queef.

Martina’s suggested using GPS technology to pinpoint the exact time and place of a grunt, with dogs used to hear the noises precisely – a system known as the “NavSat-and-Rover”.

Fortunately grunting will still be allowed in other sports. Rugby players have to communicate somehow.

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