Osama balls (GNW 22/6/09: monologue)

What’s the biggest snack food in Afghanistan these days? Super Osama bin Laden Kulfa Balls. That’s right, we may not be able to find Osama, but at least we can find his balls.

Not only are they delicious, but they may have even masterminded the attacks on 7/11.

They really explode in your mouth!

They’ve got a flavour burst that can take out a US tank!

The flavour is a delicious blend of milk, coconut and the blood of the infidels.

A-ha! The cunning al-Qaida leader has been hiding all this time in small boxes of confectionery!

No wonder we haven’t been able to find Osama – he’s been crushed and turned into tasty snacks!

It was always going to be a race to find Osama between the US Army and the Pakistani confectioners. I guess now we know who won.

Apparently, Osama also has his own brand of Lolly Gobble Bliss Bombs. Without the Lolly Gobble Bliss.

They’re perfect for when you’re trapped in a cave, hooked up to a dialysis machine, on the run for the world’s armed forces, but feel like a coconut snack!

And, like terrorism, the flavour’s hard to beat!

The balls are sweetened with sugar extracted straight from his own diabetic urine.

Because Osama’s well known for his good taste. / culinary skill.

Osama cooked them up himself. Well, since 9/11 he’s had a fair bit of spare time.

The US are countering the confectionery insurgence by bringing in a whole battalion of Life Savers.

So now along with winning their hearts and minds, we have to win their tongues?

And you’ll be able to see how to make them at home in Osama’s next video.

Watch out for Osama’s next video, the Cook and the Chef and the Terrorist Mastermind Scourge of the Western World.

They’re the most delicious snacks around containing the word “bin”.

Though they’re not all natural – they contain additive 911…

They’re delicious, though they do get a bit much when they’re all you’ve had to eat for eight years.

You ought to try one! It really gives you the experience of living in a cave for eight years.

Though they do face stiff competition in Afghanistan from Tali-bonbons.

Unfortunately, they taste like Shiite.

Osama’s also a big fan of chocolate-covered liquorice. Especially bullets.

Mmm – even better than 72 virgins!

Hitler had a similar product, although there was only one of them.

Reminds me of the mixed lollies that Hitler had produced. Although, of course, his weren’t “mixed” so much as “segregated”.

Nearly as delicious as Hitler’s crispy peanuts. Mmm, oven-roasted.

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