Good Next Week (GNW 6/7/09: closing)

Tuesday, July 07
In Italy tomorrow, there’ll be a climate change summit with the leaders of the world’s 17 largest emitters. Stinky. / As opposed to the 17 largest-emitting leaders.

Tomorrow, leaders of the world’s 17 largest gas emitters will try to hold a climate change summit in Italy, but won’t be able to see each other through the smog.

Tomorrow, leaders of the world’s 17 largest gas emitters will hold a climate change summit in Italy, but will spend most of the day pulling each others’ fingers.

This years National Innovation Forum in Sydney will be held in a tree! Innovative!

Tomorrow’s National Innovation Forum in Sydney will be just like all the ones before it…

Transcripts of tomorrow’s National Innovation Forum will be available by fax or telegraph.

Sunday Rose Kidman will turn one. To celebrate, Keith’s going to give her her first bourbon.

Sunday Rose Kidman will turn one. Finally, she’ll be able to understand all the taunting. / name-calling. / that her name sounds like dinner.

Tomorrow’s broadband conference in Sydney will have to meet in person. That says it all, really.

Tomorrow’s broadband conference in Sydney will be postponed due to the server being down.

Transcripts of tomorrow’s Sydney broadband conference will be available by morse code or homing pigeon.

Wednesday, July 08
The first test in the 2009 Ashes series will begin in Cardiff. This year, as well as playing for a wooden urn, they’ll be playing for the wooden spoon…

Italy will host the G8 Summit, and Silvio Berlusconi is offering all leaders their pick of teenage girls.

Italy will host the G8 Summit, or as they call it over there, the “G-a Summit-a”.

Prince Charles will deliver the BBC lecture on global warming, powering the entire thing with the wind caught in his ears.

Prince Charles will deliver the BBC lecture on global warming. He’s an expert on renewable energy – that mother of his seems to have endless energy. / seems to be endlessly renewable.

Prince Charles will deliver the BBC lecture on global warming, promising that something would definitely be done about it, if only his mum would die.

There’ll be a hearing into the issuing of gene patents in Sydney. The buffet serves itself! / The keynote speaker is a half-rat, half cabbage!

Thursday, July 09
Thursday sees the Adelaide Festival Of Ideas! If only they could come up with something better to call it.

Thursday sees the Adelaide Festival Of Ideas! Strictly BYO ideas.

Transcripts of Thursday’s Adelaide Festival Of Ideas will be available by smoke signal or stone tablet. / by omni-warp or brain-laser.

The Adelaide Festival of Ideas will award their Top Idea Award to the person who suggests somewhere else to hold it.

On Thursday, the Bureau of Statistics will release its report on the labour force. Must have run out of paper.

On Thursday, the Bureau of Statistics will release its report on the labour force. Apparently, the labor force is strong, but we need to be careful not to submit to the dark side.

Friday, July 10
Schapelle Corby will celebrate her 32nd birthday, maintaining that the candles must have been placed on the cake by a baggage handler.

Schapelle Corby turns 32, and is going to celebrate with a nice long holiday in Bali. / and to celebrate, is going to laze around on a tropical island somewhere. For another 16 years.

Saturday, July 11
The National Travel Industry Awards will be held in Sydney, though the winners may be stranded in Darwin.

The National Travel Industry Awards will be held in beautiful, picturesque Sydney, within easy reach of the magnificent harbour, stunning architecture, and a food district that is truly world-class.

Saturday’s Women’s Hockey Champions Trophy will be followed, after the celebratory drinks, with a spectacular display of Women’s Tonsil Hockey.

The Women’s Hockey Champions Trophy in Sydney will unexpectedly go to Joe. Hockey. Kill me now.

Sunday, July 12
Next week is Diabetes Awareness Week. Who knew?

And on Sunday, raise a glass of bubbly to Diabetes Awareness Week, and then tip it down the sink.

And on Sunday, the Gold Coast will host the Australian premiere of the new Potter film “The Half-Blood Prince” – although Prince Harry hates to be called that.

The Gold Coast premiere of “Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince” will be retitled “Harry Potter & The Half-Tanked Teens”.

The Gold Coast premiere of “Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince” on Sunday will go terribly wrong when there’s a mix up, and fans are instead shown a film of hairy otters and a half-baked plinth.

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