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Good News Week

Mortal Bait (GNW 27/7/09: Buzzers Of Death)

A charter boat deckhand trying to make a group of California schoolchildren laugh has choked to death on a bait fish. He was pronounced dead in hospital, and thrown back.

A charter boat deckhand choked to death putting a bait fish into his mouth to make 20 school children laugh. Sure, he died, but the kiddies totally cacked themselves. / but at least he made the kiddies laugh.

It was how he would’ve wanted to go. The schoolkids were absolutely pissing themselves.

The man’s name was Jeff Twaddle. So he was used to children laughing at him.

It probably wouldn’t have been fatal if he hadn’t been reeled in so quickly.

The bait seriously choked him, but what actually killed him was being thumped on the deck and skinned. / was being grilled and eaten.

It was bad enough that he choked on the bait fish, but he swallowed the hook, line and sinker too.

What a hook-line-and-stinker.

You’d think he would’ve learnt by what happened to the other creatures that took the bait.

In the end it wasn’t the fish that killed him – it was that he insisted on a tartare chaser.

It’s a lesson for all of us: if you want to be a fisherman wanker, you have to master bait.

He didn’t mean it. He was only choking.

Not only did he die, but he turned 20 kids off seafood for life.

The man choked to death on the bait fish in front of 20 children. The kids were understandably upset – it meant they had to go back to school.

The fish he choked on was only about 5 centimetres long – but you should have seen the one that got away!

It wasn’t the choking that upset them the most – it was watching him flapping around on the boat as he slowly asphyxiated.

The children were understandably upset. It’s a terrible way to go. Poor little baitfish.

But to the children’s joy, the baitfish survived.

The fisherman flapped around on the boat as he asphyxiated to death. So it was pretty much just simple karma. / It was really just a taste of his own medicine.

The terrible irony is, he was actually just trying to kiss it and throw it back.

Now if only we could convince Rex Hunt to do that.

It was an awful way to go, though it certainly livened up the episode of Rex Hunt.

Mind you, once he was battered and fried, he tasted great.

Sure, the kids were traumatised, but at least they were spared his hook-juggling routine.

He was lucky the bait wasn’t on a hook, or he might’ve been in real trouble.

So, fisherfolk, if you’re going to do a bait-gargling trick, first make sure it’s hooked on a line. (It might just save your life.)

At least he died doing what he loved – choking on bait fish.

He’d heard of comedy routines dying before, but this was ridiculous! Eh? Eh?

Why won’t people learn: leave physical comedy to the professionals. (someone will surely hit their buzzer at this point)

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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