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Good News Week

Expensive health (GNW 3/8/09: A Thousand Words)

Kevin Rudd has conceded that his plan to overhaul the nation’s health system will be expensive. But it’ll all be worth it if he shuts up.

According to the Prime Minister, overhauling the nation’s health system will not be cheap. But it will be dodgy!

According to the Prime Minister, overhauling the nation’s health system will not be cheap. But he figures if we’re willing to pay millions of dollars to get our soldiers killed in foreign countries we’re not even at war with, we might as well spend a few bucks on keeping the rest of us alive.

Rudd and Roxon embarked on a 6 month “listening tour” of hospitals. Because that’s so much more fun than sitting in a stuffy office making actual decisions – BOOOORING.

Rudd and Roxon embarked on a 6 month “listening tour” of hospitals. What a pair of idiots – if they’re not going to work for six months, they might as well go the Bahamas.

Rudd and Roxon embarked on a 6 month “listening tour” of hospitals. They’ll mainly be listening to the sound of cameras. / spin doctors. / the media. / photoshoots.

Rudd and Roxon are going on a 6 month consultation tour. Or maybe it would be quicker to just infect them with all our diseases. / Now Michael Jackson’s died, it’ll be the biggest facemask tour in the world!

Rudd and Roxon embarked on a 6 month “listening tour” of hospitals. Not only will they be listening to “eeuurgh” and “bleaargh”, but “ugh”, “waaaah” and “please kill me”.

When it comes to funding public dental care, Mr Rudd is going to have to just bite the bullet – and then experience the dental system himself.

The government is under pressure to fund all primary health care, public dental care, and aged care – but Rudd doesn’t care. / but Rudd is still trying to deal with “looking like I care”.

Rudd said that the government wouldn’t go into the “absolute detail of final costings yet”. Not until he knows how much he can get for that ute on eBay.

The full suite of reforms could cost up to 5.7 billion squillion dollars. And I bet we still don’t get any hot Carry-On-style nurses.

Rudd and Roxon are going on a six-month listening tour of hospitals. It was originally only going to be two months, but you know those waiting lists. / Well they’ve got to do something to fill in the time before their surgery can be done.

The committee suggested a $3.6 billion public dental system, Denticare. Or if that’s too expensive, just let everyone’s teeth fall out and initiate the $36 alternative, Gummicare.

Sure, it’ll cost almost six billion dollars. But can you imagine the fun Rudd will have stomping on all those state government Health Departments? / stomping on all those Premiers’ heads?

Rudd promised to have fixed the health system by now. And to be fair, he has gotten the review. So now – time to review the review, after which the review review will be given a thorough review. And there goes our 5.7 billion.

The Government isn’t going to respond to any health reform recommendations until they’re done with the review of the taxation system, the review into the aging population, and the review into whether or not there should be a few less reviews and a bit more action. / and a few more responses.

But it won’t stop there. Once Rudd’s taken over health, he plans to take over wealth and wisdom.

It’s going to cost billions to fix up the health system, but that takes money away from the economy and schools. Looks like Rudd may be able to make us healthy, but he still can’t make us wealthy or wise. / but not if he makes us wealthy or wise.

It’s going to cost billions to fix up the health system, but that takes money away from the economy and schools. So it’s up to you – healthy, wealthy or wise?

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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