I’ll take the network thanks, Eddie (The Glass House 15/2/06)

In the best news in years, Eddie McGuire is taking over Channel 9. That means HE WON’T BE ON OUR TV SCREENS! Until he dies of course and Channel 9 spends a few months airing tribute shows.

James Packer is going to be the first guest on Eddie McGuire’s new quiz show, Who Wants To Stay A Billionaire.

In return, the new host of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire will be Kerry Packer’s corpse.

McGuire’s appointment was no surprise, although in the end it was a close-run race between McGuire, Bert Newton and Humphrey B. Bear.

James Packer also appointed Bert Newton as Treasurer and made Daryl Somers the Earl of Leicester.

One of the questions for Eddie’s job interview was “As Channel 9’s new CEO your first task will be to:
a) Erect a gold statue of Kerry in the foyer;
b) Buy Darryl back;
c) Re-animate… The Newton; or
d) Carna Pies
Eddie got the job by phoning a friend – James Packer.

The CEO of PBL said McGuire had been singled out by Kerry Packer as the best man for the job. But as I always say, never trust a dead guy.

As boss of Channel Nine he gets to sit in the big chair, use the good cutlery, and operate the Mind Controller.

Reports suggest Eddie’s most excited by getting to order the flying monkeys around.

McGuire’s appointment has been criticised by some due to his lack of management experience. Shouldn’t matter – he manages Collingwood and hosts The Footy Show in spite of having no football experience. And he hosts a quiz show despite having no experience of general knowledge.

It’s a blow for the AFL Footy Show, which from now on will have to rely on people who know something about footy.

Sam Newman will be taking over the host role on The Footy Show – and also on Millionaire, although it’ll be rebranded as Who Wants To Be A Violent Dickhead?

One of Eddie’s first jobs was to launch another bid for the AFL TV rights. Although he’s only bidding for the Collingwood games.

Since Eddie’s on-air role will be ceasing, we’ll be spared any more of his biased commentary of Collingwood games. Although from now on all Channel 9 sports reporters have to be former Collingwood players (or at least Magpie supporters), and National Nine News has been renamed Nine News, Weather & Collingwood.

Nine’s biggest stars for 2006 are Georgie Parker and Bert Newton… so Eddie’s fucked, really. (No offence, Georgie.)

They’re now known as Channel Eddie, with the new slogan “Still Eddie McGuire”. / Nine’s new slogan is “Eddie’s the one NOW.”

The job was to go to Vlad the Impaler, but it was thought he might be a bit soft.

Eddie’s first move will be to turn the Homogeniser up to full, set the Lowest Common Denominatorisor to “Middle-of-the-Road”, and suck the life-essence out of the pod-people.

The new Channel Nine schedule’s looking pretty exciting. Monday nights is Millionaire, Tuesdays is The Footy Show, Wednesday is Millionaire again, then Thursdays it’s all the fun of The Footy Show. Fridays is Eddie McGuire’s Home Movies and this weekend it’s Nine’s weekend of non-stop McGuire action!

But even though they’ve got a new boss, Channel Nine really are “Still the same”. Oh well.

Leave a Reply