Kyle and Jackie O ruin radio (GNW 17/8/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

The Australian Communications and Media Authority is considering new protections for minors and guidelines for radio “pranks” thanks to Kyle and Jackie O’s hilarious rape-detector segment. Typical – one idiotic mother grills her teenager and now we all have to miss out on the hilarity of gotcha calls!

Radio laws are being looked into as the fallout from the Kyle and Jackie O disaster continues to settle. They insist they never wanted to traumatise the girl – they were happy with public humiliation.

The radio stars are shocked that it’s all gone so far. Why couldn’t the girl have made things easier for everyone and just killed herself?

From now on, all radio pranks will have to provide at least some minimal level of entertainment.

Upon their return to radio, the stars will be beginning a whole new segment, “Poking Kyle Sandilands with Sharp Objects”. / “Rolling Kyle Sandilands in Broken Glass”. / “Slowly Removing the Fingernails of Kyle and Jackie O”.

The laws may be changed so that if you’re going to humiliate rape-victims on air, NO FUNNY SOUND EFFECTS. / you have to turn off the laugh track out of respect.

The two radio stars have been taken off the air. Looks like they’ll never get to do their much-anticipated new segments, “Taunt the Retard”, “I Hate Blind People”, “Kicking the Homeless”, and “Let’s Set the Spazzy on Fire!”.

The investigation will look into whether the broadcasting code provides adequate safeguards for participants in radio pranks, competitions, and challenges. And whether or not the Beatles or the Rolling Stones are actually the best.

From now on, Gotcha Calls will have to be replaced with Do-You-Mind-If-We-Getcha Calls. / This-Is-A-Prank-But-Please-Just-Play-Along Calls. / Can-You-At-Least-Act-Surprised Calls.

From now on, the lie detector will only be used on teenagers once they’ve been personally raped by Kyle. Just to make sure there are no unexpected responses.

The incident has sparked an investigation into radio safeguards and standards. From now on, radio announcers will have to feign outrage, not fuel it. / must only stoke the fires of outrage by word, not deed. / will only be permitted to fuel community outrage at other people.

Shock jocks have to learn to make themselves the butt of the joke, which is why on their return, the Austereo stars will be launching their new segment “Rape Kyle”.

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