Glass House

German gene doping (The Glass House 15/2/06)

German athletes at the Winter Olympics are suspected of gene doping. Suspicions were first aroused when the Germans showed off their new team of streamlined skiers with wings.

Athletes are being injected with Repoxygen, which stimulates production of the agent which enables oxygen to reach the muscles. It’s also great for welding.

Future genetic doping for athletes includes stimulating limb growth, increasing muscle strength, and shrinking down that annoying head thing.

So far the drug has only been legally tested on mice. But mice from that lab did win a majority of gold medals at the recent Animal Olympics. (Though the pelicans still took out the gold in the Fish-eating.)

So far the drug has only been legally tested on mice. German athletes are now subsisting on a diet of cheese and their rooms in the Olympic Village come with giant rotating wheel things for them to run around in.

German athletics fans are said to be eagerly anticipating the results – at last they’ll be able to create that Master Race they were promised in ’36…

The Germans have found that they’re winning most of the races now, especially the Aryan Master Race.

The Germans have got a great Winter Olympics team now. They all look like The Toxic Avenger, but still, you should see them skate.

German coach Thomas Springstein was incriminated by certain email communications between him and the doctor of a Dutch speed-skating club. The club not only specialised in speed-skating but coke-swimming, smack-boxing and pot-put.

Basically, it means athletes will be able to regulate EPO production within their own bodies. Scientists are also now working on self-regulating alcohol molecules for getting you pissed from the inside; and internal DVD players which can play movies directly into the mind!

Of course, if drug-users could generate their own drugs internally, the black market would collapse. And then how would the CIA fund itself?

People who can’t afford Repoxygen have to use Poxygen,a second-rate oxygen substitute. Actually it’s mostly helium. And some nutrasweet.

The gene-doping stimulates production of the oxygen carrying agent EPO. Next they’re hoping to replace the GPO and ELO. Hey kids! Remember ELO! Happy New Year!

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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