Glass House

Holding Hands to Health (The Glass House 22/2/06)

Scientists have discovered that holding hands with your partner causes immediate relief and lowers stress levels. This may have seemed obvious to you and I, but scientists discovered it by electrocuting women. Yeah, good work guys.

An alternative explanation is that by holding hands the women are just halving the amount of current passing through them…

Women given electric shocks received more relief from holding their husband’s hands than the hands of strangers. Conversely, levels of relief went down when the women were holding their husband’s decapitated heads.

Scientists testing the relief-levels of married women while being electrocuted are planning on extending their research. Next, they’re going to pelt them with rocks!

Married couples display a better health level than singles. “That’s why we had to electrocute them,” said the researcher. “They really shit me.”

The woman received more comfort from hubby’s hand than anyone else’s. Especially the hand of the bastard electrocuting her…

Scientists did similar tests with husbands: relief-levels were low when holding a stranger’s hand, higher with their wife’s hand, and highest of all with a cold tinny.

Interestingly, husbands responded even more when holding their wives’ tits.

Those in very close marriages were very deeply comforted, but the highest comfort level was experienced by those who enjoyed being electrocuted by scientists.

Some couples are now welding their hands together for that permanent state of comfort…

Holding your girlfriend’s hand makes your stress levels decrease, but they go up again as soon as the wife catches you…

Holding hands with someone you despise makes your stress levels go up, whereas they go down again when you’re holding them by the throat.

Couples holding feet however have extra-high stress levels, particularly if you mention their hideously deformed feet.

Several wives from the study have started giving electric shocks back to scientists, and are measuring their levels of relief when punched in the face, as compared to being kicked in the goolies.

Couples have better health levels than Singles, unless they’re individually wrapped.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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