Glass House

You can’t take it with you, so spend it (The Glass House 22/2/06)

Only 23 per cent of Australian workers plan to leave savings intact to pass on to their children, making Australia one of the stingiest nations on Earth. Except when it comes to wheat kickbacks of course.

30% of Aussie retirees actively seek pleasure, while the other 70% just sit in their armchairs and wait for death’s sweet embrace.

Australian retirees are also among the world’s happiest. Mostly because they get to hang on to all that glorious cash!

Commentators suggest that the happiness of present-day retirees is due to the older generation having old-fashioned frugal values, whereas materialistic baby boomers are more likely to become proper grumpy old folks!

Trends commentator Bernard Salt said “I would expect levels of happiness to diminish, and we will never see the same level again.” Might as well kill yourself now and get it over with.

Aussie retirees don’t see their families much, yet are among the happiest in the world. Guess when I say I’m too busy to see my Mum, I’m actually doing her a favour.

Australian retirees spend all their money on pleasure, don’t have to see their families much, and are amongst the happiest on the planet. So fuck you, rest of the world!

Australian retirees spend all their money on pleasure; their children are encouraging them to spend it on the pleasure of real estate and high-return stocks, then taking up sky-diving, bull-fighting and the Elderly Deathmatch League.

Australians begin preparing for retirement around the age of 33, although few seek financial advice or outline a plan. In fact most of the preparation seems to revolve around what they’ll say to that knob-head of a boss.

People begin preparing for retirement pretty much as soon as they enter the workforce. It’s not until they retire that they really look forward to work.

Retirees may be selfish and miserly, but at least they’re going to die sooner than the rest of us. Ha!

There’s no point trying to save up for your retirement; with the current workplace relations laws, it’s hard enough to earn anything in the first place! Pow! Take that, government!

Spanish retirees are the unhappiest of those surveyed. Well, their kids are continually being gored to death by bulls. That tends to make you grumpy.

So kids, don’t wait! Kill your parents NOW!

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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