Glass House

Aussies hate Yanks (The Glass House 22/2/06)

The latest global poll of opinions about the USA found 60% of Australians have a negative opinion of America, while only 29% are positive. That’s dropped from 40% positive the year before; but that was probably back when we still thought they wouldn’t vote for that douchebag president again.

Even though only 29% of Australians are positive about the US, 100% of our PM loves it! And it doesn’t matter who they declare war against, we’ll be there fighting alongside our much-loathed Coalition partners! Go Team Willing!

In fact the hate between the partners in the Coalition of the Willing is only slightly lower than between the partners in the Liberal/National Coalition!

Furious Americans have responded by renaming Ozzy Osbourne “Freedom Osbourne”.

In an attempt to win back the love of Aussies, the US is replacing its eagle emblem with a galah, Uncle Sam with Aunty Jack, and is renaming its national anthem The Star-Spangled Matilda.

I wonder why we would dislike America… I know! Maybe it’s because they dragged us into an illegal war that makes us as unpopular as they are! Ahhh – that’d be it.

Only the French and Germans disliked the US more than we do. That’s right – Iraq, Iran and North Korea all like the US more than we do. I guess we’ll be in the updated Axis of Evil then…

Australia has a more positive attitude about China than the US. At least China admits they’re a brutal totalatarian regime.

Just goes to show that it’s not the human rights abuses we object to, it’s the lame attempts to hide them. (Or blame them all on Lyndie England…)

There is some good news for the US from the survey though. America is more popular worldwide than Iran. And George Bush is marginally more popular than Hitler, Idi Amin and Jar Jar Binks.

The Americans have tried to suppress new images from Abu Ghraib because they feel that it stokes anti-American sentiment. Although it is possible that setting attack dogs on people and covering them with menstrual blood isn’t exactly endearing.

“It’s all that Lyndie England’s fault,” said a White House spokesman. “Rotten apples like that can just spoil the whole barrel. In fact the entire apple shipment is ruined. I think we may have to burn down the orchard.”

In Iraq, 27% of people viewed the US favourably, many of them through the viewfinder of a rocket-launcher…

In Iraq, 27% viewed the US favourably – out of all the great satanic scourges of the world that must be destroyed at all costs, America was the favourite!

It’s thought that America will become more popular if they ever have a democratic election again…

But isn’t it time we stopped all this negativity and started concentrating on what binds us all together? After all, as recent election results have shown, whether you’re American or Australian, Iranian or Palestinian, all anyone really wants is to blow some other bastard up.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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