Ruddy No-Friends (GNW 28/9/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Poor old Kevin Rudd had a bit of a fizzer at the UN. Not only did he have to speak over an hour late to a third of the audience he was expecting, but he missed Obama’s party at the Metropolitan Museum. And they were having fairy floss! / Luckily he still could go back to his hotel room alone and cry. / He was really looking forward to the crawdaddy and grits.

If he’d known he was only going to be talking to New Zealand and Indonesia, he wouldn’t have written all those lines about what a wonderful and great nation America is. (And he would’ve worn a less expensive tie.)

Although, it did give him a chance to tell all his favourite nigger jokes.

Seeing that he was only talking to New Zealand and Indonesia, Rudd loosened his tie, tossed away the script, and just blagged on for an hour about what a shitpile the States is. / about how much Obama stinks like wee, and how his parties are probably shit boring anyway. / and invited everyone to accompany him to the nearest tittybar to get SMASHED.

Poor Rudd. It was such a humiliating experience that he spent the whole night crying into a stripper’s tits.

He didn’t mind. He was only really there for the canapes.

Rudd is also touring the world trying to get support for Australia’s inclusion in the UN Security Council. Then his automatic kowtowing to whatever America wants will actually finally have some real weight!

Kevin Rudd drew the short straw at the United Nations General Assembly when his speech, the last of the day, started over an hour late and was delivered to a two-thirds empty chamber. Still, at least those who were there were gently lulled to sleep.

In the end he didn’t mind. He was just glad he’d remembered to bring along his giant L sticker to wear on his forehead.

Rudd’s speech began late, but made for a perfect end to the day’s presentations, especially for those who brought pillows.

The empty house was a bit of a downer to Rudd the day after Bill Clinton had called him one of the most intelligent leaders in the world. It was hardly worth getting the stains out of his dress.

The only people in attendance were mostly from places like New Zealand and Indonesia. That jet-lag can be a bugger.

However he did get an excellent reception when he later reprised his drunken table-top dance at Scores.

The late start to Rudd’s speech meant that he unfortunately had to skip the bit where he explained the meaning of “fair shake of the sauce bottle”.

His speech started late due to Muammar Gaddafi taking 96 minutes to deliver what was supposed to be a 15 minute speech. I preferred it when he was a terrorist. / And they say he’s renounced terrorism.

Rudd didn’t mind waiting for Gaddafi, especially since Gaddafi supported Australia being included on the UN Security Council. Although given that he also labelled it the “terror council”, it was perhaps a bit of a backhander.

Rudd’s late speech meant he missed Barack Obama’s party at the Metropolitan Museum. But Obama was the real loser – he missed Rudd’s speech!

The late start to Rudd’s speech meant he missed Barack Obama’s Metropolitan Museum party. Still, probably for the best – once Ruddy’s on the piss in New York, anything can happen.

Poor old Rudd! It was his big fancy speech, and no-one was there! It gave him terrible flashbacks to every single one of his birthday parties.

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