Boats, people & the Liberal asylum (GNW 28/9/09: monologue)

The Opposition says a big surge in asylum seeker numbers is an urgent problem. More a problem for Christmas Island than the rest of us, but still – URGENT!

The Opposition wants asylum seekers to be dealt with. Not in the sense of dealing with them, more in the sense of completely obliterating them.

The Opposition wants asylum seekers to be dealt with. Not in the sense of processing them, or housing them, or helping them – more in the sense of locking up and forgetting about them.

The Howard government’s tough stance on asylum-seekers seemed to dry up the boats arriving from 2001. Or perhaps it was because he bombed them all at home!

There have been more people arrive illegally by boat this year than in the previous seven years put together. But then, who would WANT to come here to live under Howard?

Rudd’s chuffed. They do say that boatpeople coming to your country is actually the sincerest form of flattery.

The government says that the arrivals have occurred because of domestic turmoil in places like Sri Lanka, Pakistan, Afghanistan and Iraq. I guess for the last seven years, those places have been a vision of serenity. / And their seven-year stint as islands of peace is over.

The government says that the arrivals have occurred because of domestic turmoil in places like Afghanistan and Iraq. Looks like if we want to bring down the boatpeople, we’ll have to invade them all over again. / Interestingly there weren’t any refugees when we were bombing the crap out of them.

25 boats have arrived this year alone, the total number that arrived in the previous seven. It turns out John Howard’s recent hospital scare was caused by over-excitement. / excessive ejaculation.

25 boats have arrived this year alone. And they’re no doubt all throwing their little ones off the whole way over.

25 boats have arrived this year alone. Although calling them “boats” is like calling a piece of shit on a stick “Norgen Vaaz”.

The opposition claims this new influx of boat-people is because of Rudd government’s changes to detainee policy. Yeah, people really just wanna try out that new relaxing razorwire.

The government claims that the new influx of people is due to domestic turmoil in countries like Sri Lanka, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Iraq. But the opposition insists that most of the asylum seekers are really just coming over to try out the new extra-comfy cells on Christmas Island.

It’s our own fault for having detention centres on a place called Christmas Island. Most of the boat-people are just coming over to see Santa. / to get the presents.

The irony is, it turns out most of the boat-people are coming over just to try out that new funky citizenship test.

The Opposition believes the influx of refugees is the direct result of the Rudd Government’s softened stance, including ending the use of detention centres on Nauru and Papua New Guinea’s Manus Island. Because, when you’re on the run from violence, persecution, and warfare, the main thing you’re thinking of is which particular island they’re going to lock you up on.

The Opposition blames Rudd Government policies including closing the Nauru detention centre. Refugees are much happier to come knowing that they’re not going to be held on an island made of poo. / Nothing keeps refugees away more than sticking them on Poo Island.

The Opposition believes the influx of refugees is the direct result of the Rudd Government’s softened stance, including replacing temporary protection visas with full visas. Because the main thing you’re contemplating, as you squeeze into that tiny leaking deathtrap of a boat with your life in tatters, is Visa details.

The Opposition says the Government should never have replaced temporary protection visas with full visas. Now refugees are rushing here in the hope of getting Visa CARDS.

We Australians don’t like boatpeople. Boats are for fishing in, not cross-breeding with.

It’s easy to pick a boatperson – just check out their keel.

But even more of a problem than boatpeople are the recent influx of sharkpeople. Sharkpeople from the planet Quump!

But the Opposition isn’t mentioning the 300-odd World Youth Day pilgrims who are still on the loose in Australia. But that’s OK, they’re at least prepared to feign Catholicism!

But the Opposition isn’t mentioning the 300-odd World Youth Day pilgrims who are still on the loose in Australia. But at least they’re not taking up room on Christmas Island. / And what better place for a bunch of Catholics than Christmas Island!

I think if you’ve braved the death-defying conditions of being smuggled here, you deserve to stay here. I mean, what did YOU ever do? / I mean, the only claim the majority of us have is that we happened to get plopped out of some chick who was already living here.

Opposition immigration spokeswoman Sharman Stone said that “Quite clearly we’ve got a completely out-of-control back door now”. Which explains why the opposition is full of SHIT.

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