Undersmutty (GNW 28/9/09: monologue)

The Australian Christian Lobby has launched a “Tame the Tube” campaign to demand tougher rules on sex, violence and foul language on TV. Of course, they’ll keep demanding it until there’s no sex, no violence, no swearing and no TV. / TV should be for promoting Christ and THAT’S IT.

“Underbelly” has copped a massive caning from anti-smut activists. But it kinda enjoyed it. / Which has been filmed, and will be airing later in the year!

Yes, well, what do you expect if you’re watching a show called “Underbelly”? It’s not called “Wrists and Ankles”, is it.

What? There’s violence in a show about brutal criminal gangs?

There should be less sex and violence, and more praying and clapping!

The Christians have proposed a new subtitle for Underbelly 3: A Tale of Hymns and Clapping. / A Tale of the Holy Trinity.

Of course “Underbelly” is Australia’s top-rating drama. But I’m sure it’d rate just as well without the sex and violence.

And it turns out there’s way too much sex and violence in the Bible too. BURN IT! BURN IT!

It’s another thing to blame the Chaser about. The over-the-top reaction to their sketch has given wowsers throughout the country heart that they can dictate what the rest of us watch!

But the ratings show that the Australian public loves sex and violence. It’s jokes about children’s hospitals that we can’t abide.

Not only should “Underbelly” be heavily censored, it should have its name changed. Once your mind starts wandering under the belly, you’re already Satan’s tool. / already in Satan’s hands. / you might as well be slobbering on Satan’s pork pitchfork.

But how do they know about all the sex and violence in “Underbelly”? Surely they’re not watching it THEMSELVES?

You know as soon as you hear the word “smut” that God can’t be far behind.

ACL managing director Jim Wallace pointed to one episode of “Underbelly” which featured both a “discipline fetish” scene and a rape scene, which forced him to write a dozen angry letters just to ease his erection.

Because there’s nothing God hates more than discipline and rape. Unless it’s him doing it. / Unless it’s in the Old Testament. / Unless his him and his angels doing it.

Religious groups are saying that children shouldn’t be able to see swearing and sex on TV. You know what I think children shouldn’t be able to see? Images of men being whipped, beaten, and hung on crosses to die.

Funny that the people who find sex and saying “shit” offensive are the same people who love gazing at a torture victim nailed to a cross.

The f-word, as the prudes call it, is a word that can express anger, love, arousal, lust, pride, joy, or emphasis. Let’s see the religious nuts do that with “Christ” or “baptism”!

They object to the “f-word”, yet are perfectly happy to hear “puck”, “huck”, “shuck”, “feck”, “frig”, “fugg”, “buff”, “shunt” and “wukka wukka”. (Gordon Ramsey’s new series should be hilarious!)

It’s not the swearing that bothers me – it’s the film clips that are verging on hardcore porn. Although maybe ‘bothers’ is the wrong word.

There’s a place for hardcore porn, and it’s not in between cartoons on a Saturday morning. It’s the internet!

The Australian Christian Lobby says that if we have to have smut, it should be good old-fashioned smut like “Are You Being Served?” Heh heh. He’s free. / She’s talking about her cat, but it sounds rude!

The Australian Christian Lobby says that if we have to have smut, it should be good old-fashioned smut like those hilarious “Carry On” films. Heh heh. Matron.

Of course that won’t effect us. Our humour is strictly intellectual satire. (long fart noise)

Well there goes our new game, So You Think You Can Simulate Sex With A Donkey.

Sure, a lot of swear words are banned outright from television, but they are greatly disappointed we can still say “teat”, “flaps”, “scrotum”, “mating”, “vulva”, “copulate”, “fellatio”, “urine”, “buttocks”, “teste”, “gusset”, and “Daryl Somers”.

Not only do they object to our foul language and dirty minds, but even the title of the show, as the phrase “Good News” should only be used to refer to the word of the Lord as told in the Good News Bible. They suggest we change our name to “Week of Satan”. / “Seven Days of Satan”. / “The Week of Blasphemy”. / “The Seven Days of Sin”.

So from now on, every time one of us has a dirty joke, we will replace it with the word “Fielding”. Hopefully that will shut the little fielders up. / Now, please, just shut the field up. / Now, field off and die. / Hopefully now those fielding motherfielders will just shut the field up.

And they insist we have no more Christian-bashing. And I agree. Why bash them when we could be using lions! / when we could be banging them up on crosses?

But we should be friends with the Christ-lovers. After all, we came back from the dead too…

But we actually have a lot in common with Christ. Not only do we preach the Good News, but we came back from the dead – and not just after 3 measly days either!

It might sound egotistical, but I think we’re a lot more impressive than Christ. Christ had 12 followers while he was alive – we’ve got ratings in the millions. Christ came back to life after three days – we came back to life after 8 years! And sure, Christ could walk on water and feed the hungry – but we can say motherfucker on air! / And sure, Christ could take his blood and turn it into wine, but we can turn a story on economic rationalism and turn it into a joke about dicks!

But what would “Good News Week” be without smut? For starters, we’d have to get rid of Mikey.

Though if we cut the swearing, sex, drugs and violence out of our program, at least the programs after us would start on time. At 8:35.

To appease the conservative Christian lobby, we’ve decided to tone down “Good News Week”. Next week’s guests are Fred Nile, Archbishop George Pell, and two mutes.

Looks like I will no longer be able to say (BLEEP), (BLEEP), (BLEEP), or “conservative Christians can kiss my arse”. Oh, looks like I can say that one after all.

So we won’t be allowed any more offensive language on the show. We can, however, still go like this. (flip two angry birds)

Well there goes any hope of getting Tony Abbott on the show.

We’ll be adapting our own format in response to the demands, so each week we’ll be featuring a conservative Christian lobbyist, getting gang-banged by coked-up shitheads.

Of course it makes it a bit difficult for our show. If we didn’t include any sex, drugs or violence, we’d only be left discussing the cute puppy stories.

So tune in next Monday for “Cuddly Kittens Week”, featuring all the sharpest satirical barbs about the very fluffiest felines!

OK, we’re going to make one concession – from now on, no taking the Lord’s name in vein. We’ll smoke it in a bong instead!

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