Good Next Week (GNW 5/10/09: closing)

Tuesday, October 6
The Man Booker Prize will be awarded to the person who books the most men. (It’ll be a traffic cop AGAIN!)

Tomorrow the winner of The Booker Prize will be announced, despite pressure from some corners to rename it the Booky-Wooky Prize.

Thomas The Tank Engine will be live on stage in Canberra, and thousands of children will rush the stage in the hope of catching him out of town.

Thomas The Tank Engine & Friends will be live on stage in Canberra, which may very well be the only public transport you’ll find there.

In Melbourne, there’ll be a hearing into the failure of the “Grocery Choice” website. But will it be the cheapest? / best value for money? / best hearing money can buy?

In Melbourne, there’ll be a hearing into the failure of the “Grocery Choice” website. My guess is that either the major supermarkets were opposed to a scheme that forced them to compare prices, or the government wasn’t aware that a website needed a computer to run on.

In Devonport, there’ll be a hearing into Australian food production. Apparently, we grow a lot of it out of the ground! And I thought it came from the shops.

In Devonport, there’ll be a hearing into Australian food production. Finally, we’ll find out what really goes into Burger Rings. / where blue gelati REALLY comes from. / what’s really in a crabstick.

Wednesday, October 7
Kyle Sandilands will return to his breakfast show, after a 4 week suspension & “external counselling”. Hopefully no-one will bother listening to him anymore. After all, you can always catch the highlights on the news.

On Wednesday, Kyle Sandilands will return to his breakfast show. He will apologise to his listeners, and swear that he has learnt his lesson, and will from this day forth try to keep his racism, misogyny, and jokes about spazzies at home. / moronic opinions to himself.

On Wednesday, Kyle Sandilands will return to his breakfast show, after a 4 week suspension & “external counselling”. That’s a euphemism for a right royal pummelling.

It’s the 8th anniversary of the U.S.-led invasion of Afghanistan that toppled the Taliban regime. No wonder it’s been so peaceful there!

It’s the 8th anniversary of the U.S.-led invasion of Afghanistan that toppled the Taliban regime. Though unfortunately it toppled onto a pile of nice soft regenerative pillows.

The Competition & Consumer Commission will release its decision on the proposed merger of Caltex & Mobil. Apparently it would be OK if they weren’t both petrol companies.

The Competition & Consumer Commission will release its decision on the proposed merger of Caltex & Mobil. They’ll only agree to it if the companies avoid “Calbil” and stick to “Motex”.

The Competition & Consumer Commission will most likely reject the proposed merger of Caltex and Mobil, as it sounds like a cabal.

Slayer & Megadeth will hit Brisbane! It’s the perfect place to play for bands who were big in the early nineties – coz in Brisbane, nothing’s changed.

Slayer & Megadeth will hit Brisbane – together – for a night of rusty metal!

Marilyn Manson’s tour will hit Adelaide. Well, Snowtown.

Marilyn Manson will hit Adelaide, as part of his “Scraping the bottom of the barrel tour”.

Marilyn Manson will hit Adelaide, look around, and run off shrieking like a little girl. Not so scary now, are ya.

Simon Cowell will turn 50. Don’t be fooled, kids, your popstars are being chosen by Gramps!

Simon Cowell will turn 50. Unfortunately, he looks like being voted out in the next round…

Thursday, October 8
Thursday’s “World Sight Day” is marred by everyone getting blind at the afterparty.

Thursday’s “World Sight Day” is, at this stage, looking good…

Thursday is World Sight Day, which is a bit of a poke in the eye to the blind. Not that that’ll worry them.

Thursday is World Sight Day. Just keep quiet and the blind will never know they’re missing out.

Thursday’s Australian Event Awards will be such a glittering event that it’ll take home all its own awards.

Sydney will host the Australian Event Awards. The winner will be “Nominee”.

On Thursday, Sydney will host the Australian Event Awards. The award goes to the best event of the year, which, if it plays its cards right, could be this one!

The Migration 2009 conference will be held in Melbourne. No, Kuala Lumpar. Hang on, Taipei?

In Melbourne, it’s the Migration 2009 conference. Perfect if you live in Perth. / Bolivia.

In India, the Champions League Twenty-20 cricket tournament will start, and the Australians will be hoping that success might make us forget about the Ashes. It won’t.

Friday, October 9
In Melbourne, Craft-Fest 2009 will hold a candlelit vigil for victims of the Melbourne macramé massacre. (So tragically knotty.)

The opening party of the 2009 Melbourne International Arts Festival will create controversy when an installation is mistaken for an aperitif.

Friday’s opening party of the 2009 Melbourne International Arts Festival will go horribly wrong when someone just off the street not only understands the art quite easily, but finds it quite pleasant to look at. / but really relates to it. / but feels it really was worth the money.

Wolfmother will release their new album, “Sabbath Want Their Riffs Back”.

On Friday, Wolfmother will release their new album, though only Andrew Stockdale remains from their last album. So at least we know who the wolfmother is.

Saturday, October 10
In Sydney, the World Masters Games will kick off. As will a few of the athletes.

Sydney will host the Commercial Radio Awards. Kyle Sandilands is the red-hot favourite for most inhuman anti-semitic rape-detector!

On Saturday, Sydney will host the Commercial Radio Awards, on the hour, every hour, playing the best of old and new good time classic hits, here’s Fleetwood Mac.

The SpongeBob Squarepants “Think Happy” tour will hit Wollongong, where he’s a fashion icon!

On the Gold Coast, it’s the Global Illumination cocktail dinner, which will fight breast cancer by turning Seaworld pink. It also serves the purpose of fighting homophobia in penguins.

On the Gold Coast, the Global Illumination cocktail dinner will be turning Seaworld pink to raise money to fight breast cancer. Once they’ve covered the cost of turning Seaworld pink.

On the Gold Coast, Saturday’s “Global Illumination cocktail dinner” will serve light snacks only.

On Saturday at SeaWorld, it’s the “Global Illumination cocktail dinner”. And if the world isn’t glowing, have another drink.

In Adelaide, it’s the Oz Asia Symposium. That’s a good idea, I sympose.

Sunday, October 11
On Sunday, Pope Benedict will canonise 5 more new saints, before turning the cannon on himself.

On Sunday, Pope Benedict will canonise 5 more new saints, and water-canonise any protestors.

On Sunday, Pope Benedict will canonise 5 more new saints. Frankly, God wishes he’d stop – has he no sense of personal space?

SpongeBob Squarepants will bring his “Think Happy” tour to Newcastle – well, when I say that, we all know that Newcastle isn’t actually real.

Monday, October 12
L.A. Fashion Week will unveil the 2009 Spring collections. Uncomfortable to wear, but ever-so bouncy! (Being made out of springs and all.)

L.A. Fashion Week will unveil the 2009 Spring collections. Only about four months after their 2009 Spring ended. So at least they should be budget-priced by now.

It’ll be 10 years since the world’s population hit 6 billion. To celebrate, why not kill a few?

It’ll be 10 years since the world’s population hit 6 billion. Turns out more ain’t the merrier after all. / Two heads may be better than one, but clearly there’s a threshold.

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