Australia – not as good as we think we are (GNW 26/10/09: monologue)

The world reckons Australia is not as good as we think we are. A new survey shows that we’re more positive about ourselves than any other nation, but other nations rank us considerably lower on business, culture and social welfare. But you know us Aussies. We love being the underdog.

Sure, we may be a bit behind on business, culture and social welfare. But we’ll cane the Frogs at cricket!

Sure, we may be a bit behind on business, culture and social welfare. But we’ve got the best dwarf-tossers in the world! / best cane-toads in the world!

The world community doesn’t care much for Australia. Luckily, we don’t give a flying root about them either.

The world doesn’t see Australia as a good place to do business, despite our push-over Parliament, our corrupt police force, and our gangland extortionists.

How can they not take Australia seriously? We’ve got the Giant Pineapple, the Flying Birdman Rally, AND dwarf-throwing!

Australia? Uncultured? Pig’s arse!

Aussies are even proud that no-one else likes us. After all, we love being the underdog. / chicks love the underdog. / sheilas always love the bad boy.

Australia was the most self-confident country out of the 33 nations surveyed – but what’s not to love?

But why shouldn’t Aussies be proud? We’ve produced Jimmy Barnes the Scotsman, Angus Young the Englishman, and Russell Crowe the Kiwi.

Although given that we are the only major economy to be growing at the moment, who cares what they think?

Although given that we are the only major economy to be growing at the moment, clearly being popular isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

We are still the fourth highest country for them to want to invest in, however. Just because they see us as dodgy uncultured bogan hicks doesn’t mean they don’t want to ride on our financial coat-tails. Except of course they’re not coat-tails here, they’re sheep-dags.

As a country, we’re a dodgy bogan. We’ve got no culture, no money, and very little prospects – but we reckon we’re bloody grouse, and if you hang with us, we can sort you out.

Australia’s reputation scored third overall out of 34 countries, just behind Switzerland and Canada, or as we call them, “tall poppy countries”.

Australia didn’t have a good reputation among the citizens of G8 countries for innovation or technological advancement. But then they probably haven’t tried iSnack 2.0.

Australia didn’t have a good reputation among the citizens of G8 countries for innovation or technological advancement. But have they ever been to the Moomba Birdman Rally? I don’t think so.

Australia didn’t have a good reputation among the citizens of G8 countries for innovation or technological advancement. But who came up with the stump-jump plough, huh? Sure, it hasn’t revolutionised the world as much as the internet or the car, but you want any stumps jumped with a plough, and you’ll be crawling to us.

Australia didn’t have a good reputation among the citizens of G8 countries for innovation or technological advancement. But who came up with the Hills Hoist, huh? Sure, it hasn’t revolutionised the world quite as much as the personal computer or the silicone chip, but if you ever want to hang your washing up on something that spins, you’ll be begging us for forgiveness.

Mind you, the whole world agrees with us that we have the best blackface acts.

But of course the world doesn’t know us like we do. All it knows about Australia is that we beat up Indians and laugh at gollywogs.

Well if that’s what the world thinks about us, I’m glad we’re still doing our best to stop them from coming here.

A spokeswoman for Austrade said Australia needed to leverage this self-confidence into a new brand for Australia. Perhaps “Australia – better than you!” / “Australia – land of the smug.”

A spokeswoman for Austrade said Australia needed to leverage this self-confidence into a new brand for Australia. So far the best that they’ve come up with it “Australia – who needs ya?”

Austrade say Australia should capitalise on our self-image in our new brand to encourage investment. What about “Australia – Become ONE OF US.” / “Australia – can you lend us some cash? I swear you’ll get it back.”

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