News for Wil’s bit (The Glass House 17/5/06)

RUBBING NOSES IN WORK CHOICES

Great news! The government’s decided to save our money rather than spending it on another round of Work Choices ads. They decided that another campaign would have the effect of “rubbing people’s noses in it”. And you don’t want your nose anywhere near shit like that…

It’s not our noses that need rubbing in it – it’s not our shit! / we didn’t make the mess in the first place!

Sacking people for no reason could also be seen as rubbing our noses in it.

Docking workers’ pay for collecting money for mining widows could also be seen as rubbing peoples’ noses in it.

It had the effect of rubbing people’s nose in it, where the government really wanted to “slap us across the face with it”.

It had the effect of rubbing people’s nose in it, where the government really wanted to “stab us in the heart with it”.

Advertising has proven to be the wrong way to disseminate information about Work Choices. Apparently lying to people with obvious propaganda isn’t always as informative as the government hoped.

So rather than rubbing our noses in it, the government will treat the IR laws just like it treats children in detention and the Iraq War, by pretending it doesn’t exist. “The electorate has moved on! Nothing to see here!”

ARMY COOTS

Defence Chief Angus Houston has backed plans to recruit older people into the military. Fair enough. It’s only the elderly that can remember the last time we fought a war that was actually justified.

Houston quashed the suggestion of an over-55 frontline infantry unit, or as the proposal had put it, an “Expendable Squad of Nearlydeads”.

Defence Chief Angus Houston has backed plans to recruit over-55’s into the military, but they won’t be put in the front-lines. No, the people we want to die are the young ones.

We shouldn’t have an over-55 infantry. You know old men: no sooner have they got the enemy in their sights than they start complaining about how war was so much better in their day, how the price of bullets is ridiculous, they used to be 500 an ‘apenny, and the bullets back then used to last, not like this rubbish, and you call this a uniform?

BUSH THE TURD

George Dubya Bush has suggested that his brother Jeb would make a great President. Huh. Like he’d know.

Coz if there’s one person who knows quality leadership, it’s Dubya.

Dubya’s also said that Jeb’s political future is “very bright”. But then compared to Dubya, just about anything looks “very bright”.

It might end up being Jeb Bush versus Hilary Clinton for the US Presidency. Good to know it’s a family business… / I didn’t know the White House was a family business.

So the presidential race might be Jeb Bush versus Hilary Clinton. But who do you vote for if you want someone who isn’t building an imperial dynasty?

If there are any Americans watching… please. Please. Don’t vote him in. Please? Two Bush Presidents is already about nine too many.

COLD WAR II

Icy relations between the US and Russia when Vladimir Putin compared the US to a hungry wolf that “eats and listens to no-one”. It’s probably good that it eats no-one, though…

The comment is viewed as highly offensive; people have never been clusterbombed by hungry wolves.

The US have struck back, saying that they do listen – it’s just that they know better.

The US have struck back, saying that they do listen – just in a range beyond human hearing…

Donald Rumsfeld replied, “We’re not like a hungry wolf! We’re more like a thousand hungry wolves, plus a bear with laser eyes!”

E.T. HACK HOME

A British man is accused of perpetrating “the biggest hack of all time”, accessing 97 US Government computers, obtaining passwords, and apparently “deleting files and logs” after the 9-11 attacks. Conveniently he appears to have deleted anything that may have implicated any American involvement in the attacks. / incompetence in preventing the attacks.

He also just happened to delete all the evidence for Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction, all the files on human rights abuses in Guantanemo Bay, and all references to the Illuminati. / who’s really in charge.

(Obviously Lying American Representative) “Ah, yeah, he’s deleted all the files that have anything to do with prisoner abuse, the evidence against Saddam, and all the photos of George Bush turning into a reptile.”

The man claims he was just searching for evidence that America was hiding extraterrestrial technology. That’s just ridiculous! If the ETs were helping the US don’t you think they’d have won the Iraq War by now? They should just whip out their death rays and light sabres. (mime light sabre and make light sabre buzzing) “Take that Osama!”

He’s uncovered some startling secrets: apparently Michael Jackson isn’t an alien, either.

He’s uncovered some startling secrets: Saddam didn’t have WMDs, but he did have his own troupe of dancing extraterrestrials.

He discovered the real reason for the War in Iraq – Saddam’s alien technology was a threat to the free world!

The US government has reverse-engineered alien technology. That’s how we got the Stealth Bomber, the Microwave Oven, and those cool little sticks that you snap and they start glowing. / central locking. / Velcro. / Hypercolour technology.

YOUNG LOGIE HEWITT

The Hewitt-Cartwrights have come under fire for taking their 5 month old baby on stage with them at the Logies. Well, it’s not like they had a choice – childcare places are especially hard to find on Logies night.

Young Mia did a very serviceable job up there. Actually she’s the most articulate out of the three of them.

Hopefully Mia will be up for a Gold Logie next year – after all, she’s actually been on TV now, which is more than her mum ever did for her Gold Logie nomination…

BLUE SMARTIES MAKE DUMMIES

After their high-profile launch some years back, they’ve now had to withdraw blue Smarties from the market after nutritionists found that they can have negative effects on children. The colour, “Brilliant Blue”, is derived from coal tar. You don’t want to know what “Shithouse Brown” is made from…

It’s the green Smarties I’m more worried about – I hear they can give you brain damage. I mean, ever seen Pamela Anderson act?

All the different colours have different effects. I once knew a guy who took three blue ones, two green ones and half a pink; he didn’t come down for days.

SUSPENDED FOR STUPID SONG STUPIDITY

A 16 year old American student has been suspended for singing the old chestnut “On top of Ol’ Smokey, all covered with blood, I shot my poor teacher with a .44 slug”. She was then asked why she had threatened her teacher. Maybe it was because the teacher was a PARANOID MORON WHO THINKS THAT A KIDS’ SONG IS A DEATH-THREAT!

They’ve already suspended a couple of kids for “wanting to hang their boobies on the line”, and expelled a boy who suggested that “Batman smells”.

You’re not allowed to pick people with “it pit dog shit, you are not it” unless it actually does pit dog shit.

TERRORIST TEACHER

A Brisbane teacher, John Howard Amundsen, has been arrested for fraud and constructing four bombs, some containing razor blades and nails. He claims the bombs were for an as-yet-untitled film. Yeah, it doesn’t have a title yet, or actors, or even a script; but he just knew it was going to need nail and razor blade-filled BOMBS!

That’s the way to make a film these days; before anyone will give you funding, you need to have your deadly bombs ready!

The bombs weren’t going to be in the film; it was the only way he could guarantee the film would be financed.

Still, if my given names were “John” and “Howard” I’d probably want to blow someone up too.

Mr Amundsen was a popular teacher who took woodwork, metalwork and massacring.

HOWARD LOVES G-BAY

Johnny Howard has continued to defend Guantanamo Bay despite the British Attorney General calling for it to be closed, and George Bush’s claim that he’d like to close it. In fact if all those pussies are going to keep backing down, he’s just going to have to run the prison himself.

Of course Johnny defends Guantanamo Bay; that’s how he wants to run the entire country!

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