Screwing with the Chimps (The Glass House 31/5/06)

New research suggests that human beings and chimps may have interbred for four million years before finally separating genetically. Humans and chimps getting it on – that’s disgusting! Baboons are so much sexier… It’s their shiny blue inflatable arses that do it for me.

Chimps and humans are said to have exchanged genes for up to 4 million years until finally one of the chimps said, “I think your wife might be beginning to suspect…”

The X chromosome of humans and chimps is very similar, which suggests human-chimp interbreeding may have produced infertile male offspring but fertile females. Which explains Whitney Houston. / Which still doesn’t explain Dubya.

The idea of humans and chimps interbreeding is completely (chimp impression) ooohoohoohoohoo!

You cheeky monkey…

Well, now I know why I’m attracted to girls eating bananas…

Well, now I know why I’m attracted to hairy girls that like bananas.

For his next project, scientist Dr David Reich is going to try to explain why he likes having sex with sheep.

Dr Reich insists that humans and chimps were having sex until relatively recently. But his wife says that’s still no excuse. / But it’s over now, and he swears it’ll never happen again.

That’s why chicks love fur coats: it makes them feel more like sexy chimps.

We laugh, but why’s it weird for humans and chimps to have sex, but totally OK for donkeys and horses to go for it? This isn’t a joke, I just want to know.

Creationists were able to explain the situation easily. You see God created the chimps as the last experiment before creating us perfect humans. That’s why we find them so hot!

Apparently humans and chimps may have enjoyed four million years of interbreeding before settling down to the present speciation less than six million years ago. According the Creative Design, that’s just five million nine hundred and ninety-five thousand years before the Universe was created. And according to Scientology, it was the time of ChimpBeasts on the Planet Zark!

11 million years ago chimps and humans first parted ways genetically, but it wasn’t until just over 5 million years ago that we stopped interbreeding. 8 million years ago there were just masses of rutting mutant beasts.

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