Wil’s monologue (The Glass House 31/5/06)

2 CENTS FOR YOUR SOUL

Under the new IR laws, workers have been asked to sign away penalty rates, leave loading and rest breaks for a hefty 2 cents per hour compensation. John Howard says they are contributing to “the general health of the economy”. Although, being only 2 cents, it’s mainly contributing to the health of the mixed lolly industry.

And since we don’t have 2 cent pieces anymore, they’re going to have to round it down to nothing. Sad but fair. / And who said John Howard was a cunning prick?

And when they starve to death, they should be happy because they’re not only helping the funeral industry, but they’re making more room for the rest of us!

Single mums are also going to be forced back into the workforce so long as it makes them at least $25 per week more than staying at home. That’s enough to buy them ooh, about 5 minutes worth of childcare!

WIGGLE ROOM FOR REFUGEES

With some government MPs threatening to cross the floor over plans to send all boat arrivals offshore, Amanda Vanstone has promised that there’s “wiggle room” in the negotiations. Unlike many of the boats.

Amanda Vanstone has said that there’s “wiggle room” in the negotiations; though, of course, less wiggle room if you are Amanda Vanstone.

So if the negotiations work out, all detention centres will be equipped with an actual Wiggle Room. It’s a family-friendly detention centre! And hearing the Wiggles will be the closest most of the boat people have come to a Hot Potato in months…

Amanda said there’s some wiggle room, but not quite enough for Dorothy the Dinosaur.

There’s wiggle room, especially if one of the boat people is Captain Feathersword.

FUNDAMENTALIST MARRIAGE

John Howard has described people campaigning for gay marriage as “fundamentalists”. But that doesn’t mean they’ll be given any fundamental social rights…

So, according to Howard, we’ve got fundamentalist gays campaigning for gay marriage, and fundamentalist Christians campaigning against it… is there anyone left in this country who’s not a fundamentalist? Well I’m not! I’m fundamentally anti-fundamentalist!

Howard’s line is that gay love is only acceptable if it’s between consenting world leaders.

COMPLETE BANKERS

Customer satisfaction with banks has fallen to its lowest level in 3 years, while they continue to ramp up credit card rates far above the Reserve Bank rises. Good to hear they’re addressing the issue sensibly. More wry ironic observations next week on The Glass House.

WITTY LATHAM

Mark Latham’s said to be at work on a non-fiction book about politics that’s said to be very witty. It’s called “Those Arseholes are Fucked” / “Arselicker and the Congaline of Suckholes”. / “A Taxidriver named Arsehole.”

TAX DEDUCTIBLE KICKBACKS

AWB claim kickbacks paid to Saddam Hussein’s regime are a legitimate tax deduction. Fair enough. If they had to pay tax on those payments, the tax would just be going to fund the war that was being fought against Saddam. And that just wouldn’t make sense, now would it.

AWB are at the centre of a fresh corruption scandal over wheat sales to India. Damn it, does that mean we have to invade India now too?

AWB Chairman Brendan Stewart said that after the $290 million Iraqi scandal, the company would do “whatever it’s going to take” to restore their reputation. And he means (suggestive face) whatever.

The AWB Chairman promised “whatever it’s going to take” to restore AWB’s reputation. Guns, drugs, kiddie porn – whatever it takes.

AWB Chairman Brendan Stewart said that after the $290 million Iraqi scandal, the company would do “whatever it’s going to take” to restore their reputation. Another $290 million perhaps?

SEASHITE

The Navy is pressing ahead with the $1 billion Seasprite helicopter program, despite the fact the choppers are grounded due to software issues, can’t fly at night or over the sea, and are no good for military missions. Turns out they accidentally ordered the Seashite.

It turns out the US had previously tried without success to give Seasprites away to Turkey, Greece and Thailand. But their old buddies Australia were happy to buy them for a cool billion! Yeah! I mean, otherwise, we were just going to waste that money on hospitals and schools.

SHARING BEDS

An American anthropologist says parents should allow children to share their beds “indefinitely”. It’s called the “Jackson technique”.

FARTFLAPS HALLIWELL

Geri Halliwell has named her daughter “Bluebell Madonna”. Bluebell because she likes the flower & Madonna because, “no-one else has that name”. Yeah, well no-one has the name “Fartflaps” either. / In fact “Violet Fartflaps” was her second choice.

JOLIEDAY

Half the Namibians voting in a radio survey believe the day Angelina Jolie gives birth to Brad Pitt’s baby should be declared a national holiday. Or at least a national Jolieday!

Half the Namibians voting in a radio survey believe the day Angelina Jolie gives birth should be declared a national holiday. And the other half think they should have a holiday for everyone’s birthday! Yay! Nambia here I come! (Now there’s a phrase you don’t hear often enough.)

NUCLEAR JOHNNY

Coincidentally immediately after meeting George Bush, John Howard has encouraged discussion of nuclear powering Australia. And there are so many good reasons!
o It gives the terrorists something to aim for!
o It’s funny listening to Dubya try to talk about it!
o It’s great for the nuclear waste disposal business!
o That way, the biggest nuclear threat to Australia can be… us!
o And if there’s a meltdown, it’ll speed up evolution! Three heads is better than one!
o And if there’s a meltdown, it’ll turn us all into X-Men!
o It’s much more efficient – we won’t need as much lighting once if we all glow!

The ALP is now saying we should move into uranium enrichment. So whoever you vote for, we’ll be one step closer to what we all really want – our own nukes!

EN RONG AOL

Two Enron chiefs, Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling, have finally been convicted of fraud. Lay got 165 years imprisonment, while Skilling was given 185 years. When questioned, Lay said (singsong childish) “Ha-ha! You got twenty years more than me!”

ABU MISTAKEN

Dubya has called Abu Ghraib the US’s “biggest mistake”. “Next time – no cameras!”

MCBOADICEA

The remains of the ancient warrior Queen Boadicea have been discovered under a Maccas in Birmingham. According to legend, rather than give up her land, she killed herself by drinking poison, or as we know it today, a Strawberry Thickshake.

ROBOT MOUNTAINEER

The mountain climber who lost his legs to frostbite has just returned from a climbing trip to Mount Everest. His prosthetic legs were fine – but this time he lost his fingers. But he’s not phased: he’s determined to keep going up that damned mountain until he’s totally prosthetic.

Edmund Hilary criticised him for abandoning a fellow Australian to die on the mountainside. I mean it’s a tough decision, but he didn’t have to go: “Puny human! I now pass you with my bionic legs! Bzzt-chink! Bzzt-chunk!”

CHENEY LEAKS

Dick Cheney might actually have to testify in front of a jury that ought to find him guilty of leaking Valarie Plame’s name. Well! What an imposition!

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