Glass House

Motivation for Immigration (The Glass House 7/6/06)

The new boss of the troubled Immigration Department hires a $1000-an-hour personal motivator to help him do his job. Of course he needs a motivator; it’s such an immoral, cruel, child-hating job, no-one could just do it for the money

“Look, do you think it’s easy locking children up and sending mentally-ill people off to other countries to die? If that doesn’t take real motivation, what does?”

“Now, I’m off to torture some bunnies. My motivator says that it helps with my empathy issues.”

The motivator encourages Mr Metcalfe to use techniques like maintaining a positive outlook. “They’re not inmates – they’re playfriends! And they may be sewing their lips together but at least they’re learning a craft.”

Mr Metcalfe is paid over $400,000 per annum but needs to spend an additional $1000 an hour on the personal motivator to “keep the edge”. Bono is said to be considering the ransom demand.

Look, spending $5000 on a personal motivator is okay, but spending $26000 on a personal masseuse seems a bit extravagant – and spending $52000 on a bedtime story-reader and tucker-inner is just way out of line.

The Department has changed its motto to “People are our business”. Other possibilities were “Locking up people is our business” and “We treat people like shit”.

The Department has changed its motto to “People are our business. And what we do with them is none of your business.”

At least 11 members of the department have had to hire motivational gurus. You can’t move for gurus in there. But everyone’s so motivated!

At least 11 members of the department have had to hire motivational gurus. It’s a Guru Zoo! Whoo-hoo!

Metcalfe said that the motivational guru was definitely “earning” his $1000 per hour fee. In fact what motivates him is having to justify paying those sort of fees.

I dunno. I reckon I could tell someone to pull up their bootstraps and maintain a positive outlook for no more than 800 bucks an hour.

Perhaps they could use a few more motivational gurus in the detention centres and island prisons too! “Come on, chin up, only an indefinite period to go!”

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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