Glass House

The Superjesus (The Glass House 28/6/06)

The trailer for the new movie Superman Returns has inspired a lot of talk about the parallels between Superman and Jesus Christ. If only Pontius Pilate had’ve stocked up on kryptonite he could’ve avoided that tedious crucifixion…

The similarities abound:
– He can only be killed by crucifixionite,
– His enemy is Lex Lucifor, and
– Jesus used to wear his undies over his tights.

Some parallels in the new movie include Superman’s father sending his only son to show the light, Superman being stabbed in the side, and posing with his arms outstretched. And Clark Kent now gives a Sermon on the Mount.

And now there’s twelve superfriends. Including one called “Judas Man”, but I don’t know if I trust him…

Superman can only be killed by kryptonite; Jesus was killed on Crucifixion-Night.

Jesus returned from a crypt; Superman comes from Krypton.

Makes Jesus seem a whole lot cooler: imagine him with heat vision! “Take that, Romans!” BZZZT!

Turns out Christ didn’t actually ascend to Heaven – he was just leaping a tall building in a single bound!

As it says in Corinthians 12, “And lo, did he heal the leper, smite the Romans with his heat vision, and make a really cool palace out of ice!”

He isn’t actually the Man of Steel, he’s the Man of Thou Shalt Not Steal.

In fact, the original blurb for the Bible went like this: “Up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a different kind of bird? NO! It’s God-as-Man!”

Superjesus spends most of his time in the guise of mild-mannered Christ Kent…

Turns out Judas didn’t actually turn Christ over to the Romans, he gave away his secret identity.

It turns out Superman actually came from the planet Kristion…

The Superman-as-Christ theories are bound to boost sales of Dan Brown’s latest book, The Superman Code

Most superheroes have some Biblical parallels. Superman is really Christ, Spiderman is John the Baptist and Wonder Woman is Mary Magdelene. After all, WW is just MM upside-down – undeniable proof!

The bible is full of superheroes: just think of Mosesman, Aqualord and John the Batman!

If Superman really is Christ, does that mean it was actually Heaven that exploded, and there’s little bits of Heavenite floating around space?

So Christ really is an alien? The Scientologists are right after all!

The trailer features Marlon Brando saying, “Humans lack the light… I have sent them you, my only son.” It’s a reprise of Brando’s famous role as the God Father.

So it turns out God is actually Marlon Brando? Sure, God thinks he’s Marlon Brando.

On Krypton, Superman was known as Kal-El and his father as Jor-El. But El means “God” in Hebrew! Billy Jo-El must actually mean “the Piano Man of God”! And LL Cool J must mean God God Cool Jesus! Oh my El!

Many people have also pointed out the similarities between the Jesus Christ story and Mork and Mindy. Mork has been sent down from the heavens, at the end of every episode he speaks to God, and, while he doesn’t turn water into wine, he does drink through his finger, which is still pretty cool. And, if that wasn’t proof enough, at every Easter, we still celebrate with chocolate versions of his space-ship.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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