I’m in love with my cow (The Glass House 2/8/06)

A lonely Russian farmer has asked President Putin to allow him to marry a cow. It seems world leaders must be softening on their stance towards inter-species marriage. So long as it’s not gay.

“I’ve always dreamed of marrying someone, milking them every morning, and finally eating them in pepper sauce. But none of the girls I’ve asked are interested!”

He says that since he fell in love with her, milking her and eating her children has felt a bit weird…

They’re going to get married in a church, and divorced in an abattoir.

Cows are hot as! They sure know how to fill out a bikini.

He’s just waiting for that special day when they say “I moo”…

Boris Gabov complained that he can’t find a woman because all the girls have left his small village in remote Siberia. Most of them left when he asked if they’d like to share a bed with him – and Clarabelle.

Boris just wants to get married; he’s scared that the cow’s just been using him for sex.

The farmer’s keen to legitimise his relationship with his cow. He’s sick of living in sin.

Apparently they’ve been fuck-buddies for years.

It’s true love: they spend all night grazing into each others’ eyes…

They’re looking forward to their honeymoooooon…

It’s udder madness. No, it is: he’s mad for udder.

Putin described the request as “udder madness”. He went on to say that the farmer could marry who-heifer he wants….

Well, cows sure give me the horn…

Putin responded, saying that marrying cows was not appropriate behaviour; but if he wanted to kiss unknown children on the stomach, to give him a call and he’d be right over…

Since all the girls have left town, Boris has been more or less forced to marry a cow. “I don’t want to weigh into that whole same-sex marriage debate – it’s so controversial.”

See, this is what happens when you allow same-sex marriage – the floodgates are open now!

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