Monologular jokes for Wil (The Glass House 6/9/06)


The Howard government has offered people in regions of high unemployment a $5000 payment to move to areas with a chronic skills shortage. Howard’s trying to encourage Peter Costello to take up the option – there’s just not that many vacancies in the Parliament House region…

A $5000 moving bonus! Move twice a year and it’s even better than the dole!

Brilliant for dole-bludgers who want a bit of a holiday!

It’s a great idea to move the unemployed to areas with a chronic skills shortage – a lot of dole bludgers are incredibly skilled in chronic! / there are a lot of dole bludgers with awesome chronic skills!

It’s great if your dream is to be unemployed in a faraway shithole. / in the middle of nowhere.

It’s great to give jobseekers the chance to work in places that need skilled workers –maybe next the Government will give jobseekers the chance to learn some SKILLS.


The new US Ambassador to Australia, Robert McCallum, says a lot of Australians are anti-American because they don’t understand how much the two countries have in common. It’s true, we do have a lot in common – for instance, we will always bomb the same places they do.

We both have elections, and we both vote in DICKHEADS.

We both start and end with the letter A, which is lucky for Bush – he doesn’t get much further in “that ABC song”.

We both love footy and beer; it’s just that our beer tastes better, and our footy isn’t played by wusses who need to wear a padded suit of armour JUST TO KICK A BALL AROUND!!!

McCallum said it’s OK to disagree with certain US policies but you should still be pro-American because of our shared values. Oh yeah? I don’t see you playing cricket.

Yeah. I don’t hate America as such. I just hate the fuckers who run it.

You know what I hate most about the Americans? They’re just unAustralian.


Kim Beazley described witnessing his wife giving birth as “like being locked in a room with a feral cat”. In fact it was basically like a scaled-down Labor caucus meeting.

It’s all worthwhile in the long run though – Kim loves his litter of feral kittens like they were his own children.

If you were giving birth to a Beazley, you’d get a bit feral too.

But imagine giving birth to Kim Beazley! It’d be like squeezing out a grumpy watermelon.


The Vatican have condemned Harry Potter as pure evil. I guess they’re barracking for Voldemort…

Vatican Chief “Caster-out-of-demons” said “Behind Harry Potter hides the signature of the king of darkness, the devil!” Well, he’s got to justify his budget allocation somehow. / Well, he might as well make himself useful.

Because there’s nothing more evil than children reading.

Harry Potter – it’s an anagram of “Terrorpathy”! NOOOOO!!

He must’ve got a sneak peek at the next book, “Harry Potter and the Dead Sodomized Pope” / “Harry Potter and the Virgin Sacrifice” / “Harry Potter and the Deal with Satan.”

Admittedly, the “J. K.” in “J. K. Rowling” does stand for “Jesus Killer”.


The Chinese govt. is purging prime time TV of violence, crime, adultery & foreign cartoons like “The Simpsons”, as part of its drive to return the nation to its “socialist spiritual civilisation”. Now I understand! “The Simpsons” is offensive, but torturing Falun Gong members is perfectly fine!

“There is nothing funny about having a cow-man,” said one spokesman.


The same artist who created a life-sized sculpture of a naked Britney Spears giving birth has unveiled what’s claimed to be a bronze cast of Tom Cruise’s baby’s first solid pooh. I’ve actually seen the artwork, and I think it’s shit.

Gallery director David Kesting, who’s showing the work, said, “A cast of a baby’s first poop can be a meaningful memento.” Pff. Looks like something my baby could do.


In the Philippines, thousands of prisoners have been shaving their heads & chests to donate hair to help mop up 20,000 litres of fuel that leaked from a tanker last month. Very reminiscent of the recent Australian Idol tragedy when 5,000 litres of “product” were spilt.

The oil spill now looks like an explosion in a Fudge factory. / in a Mousse Factory. / at Vidal Sassoon.

It’s the first time prisoners have been encouraged to become skinheads.

As well as shaving their heads for the cause, they are also shaving their chests, accompanied by a state-sponsored push for everyone to eat all their crusts.

They’re shaving their chests? Just how hairy are these guys?

They’re also using feathers to try to clean up the oil spill. George Dubya’s offered to supervise, using his extensive Texan knowledge of tar-n-featherin’.

It’s just like giving the ocean a tar and feather. That’ll teach it good!


The American National Guard have begun a program of handing out life sized cardboard cut-out replicas of their soldiers to the soldiers’ families, known as Flat Daddy or Flat Mommy. It’s just like having a real live soldier for a daddy but without the flashbacks and violent outbursts! / without the alcoholic abuse!

Most of the Flat Daddies are photos blown up and mounted on foam boards – although some are real Daddies just blown up…

The flat-daddies are so effective, the army’s using them in warfare; they’re perfect for sliding under the doors of enemy compounds; and for their quick getaway, you just make a paper aeroplane out of them and throw!

It’s great: when daddy gets a bit drunk and agro at the pub, you can just fold him up and take him home in your pocket.

Flat-daddies are a great idea: they’re a hardy companion and a great surfboard for the kids.

I guess it’s better to have a Flat Daddy than a Blown-to-bits Daddy…

Families of soldiers returned dead are also stitching the bodies back together to keep up the illusion. “Darren always did smell a bit, so it’s actually hard to tell the difference.”

It’s a great service for families who have a soldier in active duty, but even better for those that have lost someone in battle…

But what happens if one of the real-daddies dies? “Sorry kid – we’re taking the your flat-daddy away.” Or do they just keep the cut-out, and act like it’s still alive? I get the feeling we’re gunna get a whole lot of really creepy families soon…

And when I die I certainly hope my loved ones keep a cardboard cut-out of me around the house.

The only down side has been on occasions when soldiers have returned home from active duty. Some fly into fits of jealous rage and dozens of Flat Daddies have died due to being snapped in half.

One wife of a Flat Daddy was caught having an affair with a cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt. / with a poster of her husband’s best friend.

Some soldiers have pulled a swifty and swapped places with their two-dimensional replicas. They’ve only been found out when their replacements seemed strangely peaceful.

Some soldiers have pulled a swifty and swapped places with their two-dimensional replicas. (through clenched teeth) “No, I’m the Flat Daddy!”

In warfare, it’s the Survival of the Flattest.

However, it’s really bad for the children’s body-image: they want to be as thin as mommy…

“It was nice having him around, doing all the things my real daddy would do – but one day he was fixing some tiles on the roof and blew away…

To save money, the army is running over the real-daddies with tanks, and just mailing them home.

Flat-daddies are better in many ways than real daddies; they don’t have to worry about diseases or eating right – but you can’t leave them out in the rain.

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