Police quiz asks “Are you a psycho?” (The Glass House 13/9/06)

A secret psychological test used by Victoria Police to screen recruits has been leaked via the Internet. The test is used to screen our psychopaths with a series of true/false questions based on the flawless reasoning that psychopaths always tell the truth.

Wannabe officers have to answer true or false to a series of propositions such as “I am fascinated by fire” or “My soul sometimes leaves my body” – which is great for disarming suspects on the astral plane!

As well as identifying potential psychopaths it can also identify star recruits – the ones who shoot their paper into smithereens obviously have the right “shoot first, answer questions later” attitude.

Details of how the test is analysed are also available online. Mind you, it’s pretty easy to work it out – answer “I believe in the right of law” ‘yes’, answer “My demon makes me bleed people” ‘no’.

“Evil spirits possess me at times” should only be answered ‘yes’ if you also answer ‘yes’ to “But so do good spirits.”

If you answer “true” to “I like to control others”, “I love dressing up in uniform” and “Shooting people is fun” – you’re in!

You need to be able to weed out the psychopaths – after all, shooting civilians is a pretty specialised occupation.

According to one police spokeswoman, it’s not a “pass or fail” kind of test. It’s a “pass or you’re crazy” kind of test.

Successful applicants have to answer true to “Corruption is acceptable at a high level”, “Kickbacks are just good business” and “I am prepared to lie in front of a Royal Commission”.

The correct answer to “I have enjoyed using marijuana” is “Maaan, have I!”

Applicants are routed to specific squads depending on their answers: “I am fascinated by fire” is a test for the arson squad, “I have enjoyed using marijuana” screens for the drug squad, “I would like to be an auto racer” for high-speed pursuits, and “Sometimes I am so strongly attracted by the personal articles of others, such as shoes, gloves etc., I want to handle or steal them” leads you straight into confiscations.

One statement is “Someone has control of my mind”. The correct answer is “True – the superintendent”. / The correct answer is “Sir yes sir!”

Psychologically profiling recruits: it’s a great way of keeping track of which cops are the drug abusers and which ones are the sex offenders!

The police suspected the answers of the test had been leaked when 3 recruits in a row were diagnosed as being decent upstanding citizens with no interest in doughnuts.

Other true/false statements include “I do what Satan tells me” / “The best way to dispose of bodies is to burn them” / “My tinfoil hat protects me from the aliens” / “I always tell the truth on psychological tests” / “In psychological tests, I always give the answer I think they want” / “I am very disturbed by the number of ‘trues’ I am giving” / “This answer is a lie” / “I always lie.”

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