What to do with the ex’s prezzies (The Glass House 25/10/06)

Actress Ellen Barkin is auctioning off millions of dollars worth of jewels that her ex-husband gave her. She wants to get rid of the jewels because they inspire bad memories her of her billionaire ex, but she’s kept all the jewellery from her previous husband. In general, she says the more expensive the jewellery, the worse the memories.

There is no real etiquette for what to do with presents from the exes. If the stuff’s just going to lie around unused because of bad memories from the relationship, then it probably is best to sell it. You could then use the proceeds to buy something nice for them – like a restraining order.

Of course there’s always the option of re-gifting jewellery. Though that might mean you have to find someone with the same initials as you.

Re-gifting to your new partner can create an awkward moment if you happen to run in to your ex and they recognise what they’ve given you. This potentially embarrassing moment can be avoided by killing your ex as soon as you see them. Problem solved. / …by killing your ex when you split up. Problem solved.

The worst is when your ex-partner has given you children. The bottom has totally dropped out of the child-prostitution market, and there’s only so many chimneys that need sweeping these days.

The worst is when your ex-partner has given you children. Although, enough garlic and rosemary, and they taste just like lamb!

I always return gifts from my ex – usually with one of my ears. / usually with the remains of one of their pets.

If a break-up’s gone badly, some people like to build a bonfire of all the gifts they’ve been given. Though it can be hard setting fire to a pair of earrings. / Though it’s hard to sit through the sound of burning puppies.

Forget dealing with presents from your ex – what the hell do you do with all the Christmas socks from Aunty Madge? You have to see her every Christmas!

The hardest gifts to decide what to do with include cars, houses, and children.

I always sell gifts from my ex – though it’s hard to get a good price for herpes. / genital warts. / a ruined sense of self-worth.

I feel guilty if I sell gifts from my ex. Problem is, I’ve accumulated fourteen watches I never wear, dozens of CDs I don’t like, and a used condom collection that is beginning to reek.

So I’ve left all my ex’s gifts to Ellen Barkin.

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