The Sideshow Ep. 2: monologue material

Our beloved Prime Minister made a big speech in Queensland designed to show the Coalition was the party of fresh ideas & future prosperity. Coz when you’ve got radical new ideas, you want to showcase them in Queensland. / Aaah, Queensland. The home of radical intellectualism.

It was the first in a series of speeches called “Australia Rising”. It was initially called “Australia Uber Alles”, but Howard thought it was a bit too soft.

It was the first in a series of speeches called “Australia Rising”. It was initially called “Australia Rising From The Grave”, but Ruddock thought it was too much of a giveaway.

Phillip Ruddock will also be giving a speech on “Australia Rising From The Grave”.

It was the first in a series of speeches called “Australia Rising”. The next series is “Australia Flaps”, followed by “Australia Flies Off Into The Sky, Chirping”. Don’t know what Johnny’s smoking.

Howard said the moral challenge of our time was “to build a prosperous, secure & fair Australia.” And the only way this could be achieved was by getting rid of award wages, locking up asylum seekers, and shooting Iraqis.

Howard said he wanted “a fair Australia.” Or at least, a “fair-skinned” Australia.

That’s right, a fair Australia, where everyone can persecute Muslims equally. / where everyone gets their own little darkie slave.

He said committing to a greenhouse gas reduction target will be the most important economic decision Australia will make in the next decade, & the Labor Party can’t be trusted to make it. But his government can be trusted – now they’ve finally admitted climate change exists.

He said Labor offered voters “the politics of good intentions”. Unlike the Liberals, which have no good intentions at all… / Unlike the Liberals, whose intentions are all pure satanic evil… MOOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

He said Labor offered voters “the politics of good gestures”. Which will guarantee them victory in Parliamentary Charades! / at Parliamentary Question Mime.

Our beloved Prime Minister made a big speech in Qld. designed to show the Coalition was the party of fresh ideas & future prosperity. Because if you’re looking for fresh ideas for the future, a 68 year old PM who’s been rusted to the Lodge for 11 years is the man for you!

Frankly I don’t want a 67 year old getting any “fresh ideas”… / getting fresh with me…

Howard’s big fresh idea was…THE ECONOMY! Hmm, strange. I think he might have actually mentioned that before at some stage.

Howard wants to focus on the economy as his government has such a flawless record. Apart from the record current account deficit, personal debt, and unaffordable housing, it’s flawless! Oh yes, and eight interest rate rises in a row. Otherwise flawless!

It was the first in a series of speeches called “Australia Rising”. I wonder if he named it after “Lucifer Rising” or “Hannibal Rising”. Either way, we’re in deep troub.

He’s also got a plan to address the drought, called “Australia Rising Damp”.

Howard’s new series of speeches are under the heading “Australia Rising”. Well, at least our sea levels are.

Australia would want to be rising, so we can stay above the sea level.

Howard said the moral challenge of our time was “to build a prosperous, secure & fair Australia.”

Kevin Rudd claimed the greatest moral challenge of our time was climate change, which Howard dismissed. His greatest challenge will be dodging tough questions about why the sea-levels are rising.

Howard said his own great moral challenge would be finding some morals.

Howard said great challenges faced what he called the “Sandwich generation”. That’s all the people forced to work at Subway after being dismissed from their AWAs.

Howard said committing to a greenhouse gas reduction target will be the most important economic decision Australia will make in the next decade. Or if the Libs are returned, the most important economic decision Australia will avoid making. / deny needs making.

He said committing to a greenhouse gas reduction target will be the most important economic decision Australia will make in the next decade, & the Labor Party can’t be trusted to make it. Better off leaving in the hands of someone who doesn’t really think the problem exists.

He said Labor offered voters the politics of good gestures & good intentions & little else. Whereas one thing you’ll never get from Howard is a good intention.

Alexander Downer says he’s never met anyone as vain as Kevin Rudd. Rudd has fired back, saying that Downer is just jealous coz he looks better in Downer’s fishnets.

Alexander Downer says he’s never met anyone as vain as Kevin Rudd. “One time he borrowed my lippy, and he nearly used it all up!”

Alexander Downer says he’s never met anyone as vain as Kevin Rudd. Yes, but he’s never met himself, has he?

Because Downer is the model of humility. That’s why he wanted to be PM in the first place. / That’s why he ended up starring in a two-part TV special.

Alexander Downer accused Rudd as being the most vain person he’s ever known. The second part of Downer’s “Australian Story” special screens on Monday, because he strongly felt that only one special wouldn’t do him justice.

Rudd has responded by saying, “Oh yeah? Well, Downer weed his pants. / stinks like wee.”

Rudd has responded by saying, “I might be vain, but least I’m not Alexander Downer.”

Rudd’s so vain, he probably thinks this joke is about him…

Downer said “Oh look, I’m Kevin Rudd, I’m so great, lardy dah, I know Chinese and where other countries are and stuff, and I wear girl’s undies. Oh hang on, that was me. Damn!”

On “Australian Story” this week, he also described himself as a “Sherman Tank”. That’s rhyming slang I think – I’ve always thought he was a bit of a “Sherman Tanker”. / Well, actually, he said he was having a sherman tank.

Rudd has responded by saying, “I might be vain, but least I’m not a bloody Sherman Tank.”

Downer called Rudd vain as part of his ABC special “The Sherman Tank: Takin’ Shots”. / Takin’ No Prisoners”.

He also described himself as a “Sherman Tank”. That’s great, but what we really need is a Water Tank.

He also described himself as a “Sherman Tank”. Really? I’ve never seen a Sherman tank in fishnets…

He also described himself as a “Sherman Tank”. So we’re sending him straight to Baghdad!

He also described himself as a “Sherman Tank”. Meaning he has a length of 6.06 metres, weighs 31.6 tonnes, and can fit 5 soldiers – 4 downstairs and one up his gun-turret.

He also described himself as a “Sherman Tank” – cumbersome, rusty, and obsolete. / Meaning he is about 50 years out of date…

He also described himself as a “Sherman Tank”. Rudd has fired back, claiming to be a tactically superior “Tiger Tank”.

And, like a lot of tanks these days, Downer was entirely paid for with AWB kickbacks.

In Denmark, Mary & Fred have had a baby daughter.
And in keeping with Danish tradition, her name won’t be revealed until the christening in July. So far, sources suggest her name will be Margrethe or Ingrid or Henrietta – but I think she should be called Apple. I’ve always wanted an Apple Danish Queen.

In Denmark, Mary & Fred have had a baby daughter.
And in keeping with Danish tradition, her name won’t be revealed until the christening in July. With the spate of weird celebrity names lately, odds are it’ll be something like Suri or Apple or Custard-and-Apricot. Although, that’d be pretty cool – she’d be a Custard-and-Apricot Danish Princess!

They christened their first child Christian. Well that’s inventive. “Er, what should his christian name be? I know – Christian.” What are they going to call the new one? Christiana?

In Denmark, Mary & Fred have had a baby daughter.
She’s third in line for the throne, after Dad and her brother. She’ll probably have 4 given names like her big bro, whose full name is Prince Christian Muslim Krishna Jew. Rumours are her name will be Mormon Buddhist Pagan Modern-Day-Church-Of-Latter-Day-Saints. Sorry – Princess Mormon Buddhist Pagan Modern-Day-Church-Of-Latter-Day-Saints.

If their first child is Christian, why not balance things up and name her Satanist?

Why not give her a name reflecting her Aussie heritage? Like Sheila? Or Edna? Or Kylie? I know – Charlene!

Why not give her a name reflecting her Aussie heritage? I know! Princess Charlene Janette Kidman Vanstone!

I reckon she should have a name reflecting her Aussie heritage. Something like Princess Bradman Ned Kelly Giant Pineapple.

Of course, the child will be half Aussie and half Danish – so they’re calling her Pav. / Princess Lamington.

They want a name that represents her Danish qualities, but that also represents her Aussie aspects. They’re calling her Pav. / Princess Lamington.

She’s going to be the Princess of Denmark – she should be called Hamlettie. Sorry you younguns, that’s Shakespeare. You might not know it yet, but you’ll be forced to read it one day.

She’s going to be the Princess of Denmark – she should be called Denmarcia.

They were thinking of calling her Tasmania – until they realised all the boys would be asking to see her map…

In the U.S., the National Rifle Association has been asked to help make it harder for the mentally ill to buy guns. At the moment, only 22 states submit mental health records to the background check system. Hopefully if you have to prove your sanity it’ll prevent guns being issued to people like the Virginia Tech gunman and Dick Cheney.

In the U.S., the National Rifle Association has been asked to help make it harder for the mentally ill to buy guns. But gun shops are complaining – with the paranoid psychos not buying, they’re gunna have to rely 100% on the mafia and gangsta-rap market.

In the U.S., the National Rifle Association has been asked to help make it harder for the mentally ill to buy guns. The mentally ill are up in arms!

Gun control is a difficult issue in the US. 70% of Americans are in favour of gun control – but unfortunately the other 30% are the ones with all the guns…

A spokesman for the NRA dismissed the idea. “Without armed crazy people, whose gunna defend us against the Martians?” / Oo-foes?” / Interdimensional Reptiles?”

The NRA agreed to implement a modified scheme, where if any mentally ill people apply for a gun, the NRA get to shoot them.

If the law gets passed, Dubya might have to give back his nuclear arsenal… / noo-cul-ar bombs…

But if brain-damaged lunatics aren’t allowed to have guns, what’s Rambo going to do?

If she’s elected President, Hillary Clinton will put the “First Gentleman” to work as a roaming ambassador.
“I can’t think of a better cheerleader for America than Bill, can you?” You should see his pompoms! / He looks so hot in that little skirt!

She said: “We need to really get people around the world feeling better about our country. Right now they’re rooting against us & they need to root for us.” Or, if they’re not willing to go all the way, they can just use a cigar…

She said: “We need to really get people around the world feeling better about our country. Right now they’re rooting against us & they need to root for us.” She’s appointing Bill chief of “rooting for us”, and Monica Lewinsky chief of “rooting with our husbands”.

If there’s one thing Bill knows, it’s how to get people rooting.

If Hilary is elected president, Bill will be the country’s inaugural “First Gentleman”. And given that we’re talking about America, that may very well be the case. / And given that we’re talking about America, he could very well be the first gentleman full stop.

If Bill becomes the First Gentleman, I hope he’d become a proper Southern Gentleman. I can just imagine him firing the six-shooters in the air – “Yee Haw!” He’d have to grow a big white mo though.

Hilary thinks too many people are rooting against America. Back in my day, we’d just root against the toilet walls.

Hilary thinks too many people are rooting against America. In fact, they’d be rooting for the terrorists, except that the team colours are so drab – and the team song is in some weird foreign language. / and they can’t pronounce most of the words in the team anthem.

Hilary thinks too many people are rooting against America. In fact, they’d be rooting for the terrorists, except that the full forward keeps blowing up.

As opposed to Bill, Laura Bush is currently rooting for Barney the dog. “I really hope he wins the War on Terror!”

A survey of the big fast food chains has found they don’t like offering healthy options on their menus because it lowers profits. In fact, their preferred option is to make food out of raw sewage. They’ve got a very cheap supply and it cuts down on waste disposal costs…

A survey of the big fast food chains has found they don’t like offering healthy food on their menus because it lowers profits. And some of them don’t like to offer food at all.

A survey of the big fast food chains has found they don’t like offering healthy menus because it lowers profits. Even those that do offer healthy menus still don’t offer healthy food

One manager suggested that a healthier fast food menu is like “putting lipstick on a pig”. Yep, that still sounds pretty unhealthy.

One manager said, “Offering healthier menu items is like putting lipstick on a pig.” But I do that all the time – it helps maintain the illusion…

One manager said that offering a healthier menu was like putting”lipstick on a pig.” Which coincidentally is their most popular menu item.

One manager said, “Offering healthier menu items is like putting lipstick on a pig. Or in McDonald’s case, on a cow.”

One manager said, “Offering healthier menu items is like putting lipstick on a pig.” Since the comment, sales of their “crispy piglips” have hit rock bottom. / Well, I’m not buying their “glossy baconburger”. / That “bacon and lipstick burger” is the healthiest thing on the menu.

One manager said, “Offering healthier menu items is like putting lipstick on a pig – there’s lots of squealing, cussin’ and strugglin’, and when you’re done, you can pretend it’s your mother!”

One manager said, “Offering healthier menu items is like putting lipstick on a pig.” Which tells you less about the fast-food industry, and more about his private life.

One manager said, “Offering healthier menu items is like putting lipstick on a pig, getting a g-string onto a goat, and convincing your cow to put on the gimp mask. But that’s only on Training Day.” / But enough of our staff problems.” / We don’t know what he was talking about.

Inventors have created a soap infused with caffeine. It helps users wake up in the morning – but it tastes like shit.

But it still tastes like soap.

Mmm… that full 43 bubble flavour!

Inventors have created a soap infused with caffeine. Finally, people can stop going to the coffee-shop for a scrub. / to wash their hair.

Inventors have created a soap infused with caffeine. Which is great in a bubble bath – you can pretend you’re a Tim-tam being dipped.

“Shower Shock” soap supplies the equivalent of 2 cups of coffee per wash. It’s great – showering with this soap is so refreshing you can actually skip your morning shower!

They’re the same inventors who created Milo-flavoured toothpaste, Earl Grey exfoliating cream, and the Hot Chocolate Douche.

Better than their earlier invention – coffee that gives you an all-over clean. / coffee that just tasted like soap.

“Shower Shock” soap supplies the equivalent of 2 cups of coffee per wash – but to get the full effect, you have to wash in hot frothy milk. (And scrub with a friand.)

The soap wakes you up by suddenly turning off the hot tap…

The soap actually still cleans you really well, especially the Grande Mochaccino. / the Skinny Mocha Latte. / the short black.

Don’t know about you, but I’m usually awake by the time I’m in the shower anyway. My days of waking up in the shower are long gone.

Sheryl Crow has been racking her brains to help solve global warming and so has designed a clothing range with a detachable, replaceable “dining sleeve”. So rather than using a wasteful paper napkin you just wipe your mouth on your sleeve. So next time you see her with an off-the shoulder dress, it may just be a jumper after a big meal.

Singer & tree-lover Sheryl Crow thinks paper napkins are “the height of wastefulness”, so she’s designed
a clothing line with what she calls a “dining sleeve”.
It’s detachable & can be replaced with another sleeve after you’ve wiped your mouth. And you should see her range of panty liners.

One disadvantage is if you’re eating a particularly messy plate of ribs, you could end up totally nude.

While we wait for Sheryl’s clothing line to hit the shelves, you can test it out by stapling napkins to your T-shirts.

She may have an uphill battle convincing the fashionista that the latest trend is wrapping your arms in hankies.

Good on you Sheryl, you’ve just invented the wearable hanky.

“The design will offer the diner the convenience of wiping his mouth on the sleeve rather than throwing out a barely-used paper product. This idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold.” She’s still finalising the name: she’s narrowed it down to the “Sheryl Snot-Sleeve” or the “Crow Crust-Cuff”.

She also suggests the sleeve would be great for people with annoying colds. Could I suggest the brand name Greensleeves?

But if Sheryl Crow is really against wastefulness, why does she record so many shit albums?

Sheryl Crow has always been against wastefulness – that’s why, for every new album, she just recycles all her old songs.

As well as the “dining sleeve”, she’s also invented the “spitting hat” and the “wiping jock”.

Her concerns about paper don’t just stop at napkins. She’s also insisting on printing books and newspapers on sleeves and trouser legs – and from now on all her albums are only being released on corduroy.

Her concerns about paper don’t just stop at napkins. She’s now insisting that, instead of wasting roll after roll of toilet paper, people should just wipe themselves on copies of her albums. I know I do.

Sheryl also suggests that a limit be placed on toilet paper – just one square per visit. Or you could just use copies of her albums.

Sheryl also suggests that a limit be placed on toilet paper – just one square per visit. And if that’s not enough, you can just use your sleeve.

Sheryl also suggests that a limit be placed on toilet paper – just one square per visit. Like Elaine on “Seinfeld”, she hasn’t got a square to spare…

APOLOGIES: SHOW 2

Boris Yeltsin won’t be able to make it due to encroaching rigor mortis.

Sadly due his sad demise, we’ve had to cancel Boris Yeltsin’s drunken tap dance.

Boris Yeltsin was going to appear on the show, but he’s
off to the Iron Curtain in the Sky…

Boris Yeltsin was going to appear on the show, but he’s
decided he’d rather be dead than red after all…

Alexander Downer can’t be here tonight – he’s been deployed to Afghanistan, / he’s having his caterpillar tread replaced. / Coz he’s a tank, remember?

Alexander Downer can’t be on the ABC tonight. For once.

Vladimir Putin was unable to make it tonight as he disapproved of the ABC’s coverage of his media control policy.

John Brumby was going to be on the show tonight, but we locked the doors and told him to leave us alone.

Princess Mary was going to appear on the show tonight, but she was busy at home with a little Danish.

We were going to invite the new Danish princess on the show, but unfortunately we didn’t know who to address it to. (Because she doesn’t have a name.)

The new Danish princess can’t be on the show tonight because it’s nap time.

Princess Mary can’t make it tonight; she’s busy deflating.

The whole family of Danish Royals were booked to come on the show tonight, but unfortunately they’ve been waylaid by the entire royal family of Ice Cream.

Fred and Mary’s new untitled baby Princess was going to be on the show tonight, but, in strict Danish tradition, the baby isn’t shown to the public until its horns are removed. / until it’s crispy brown. / until there’s enough for everyone. / until everyone’s finished with the main course.

Sheryl Crow was booked to come on the show tonight, but she caught a cold on the way here, and is now totally covered in mucous.

Alec Baldwin is unable to make it tonight, but he left us a message – which, due to the 730 timeslot, we can’t play on air…

Alec Baldwin is unable to make it tonight, but he left us a message: (reading) “I’m sorry I can’t appear on your stupid little show, but I’m kinda busy right now, why don’t you piss off and die.” Nice man, Mr Baldwin.

The Antichrist was going to be on the show tonight, but he got a better offer from the Vatican.

The Virginia Tech shooter was going to be on the show tonight, but it’s way too soon to make jokes about that on national television. (Check the Internet.)

The inventor of the caffeine-soap was going to come on the show tonight, but he slept in…

The inventor of “Shower Shock” soap was going to come on the show tonight, but he was too wired after falling asleep in the bath…

Kevin Rudd was going to be on the show tonight, but he’s having his hair primped. In Mandarin.

The pig-lipstick guy was gunna be on the show tonight, but his date took way too long putting her makeup on – and then she had to marinate.

NEXT WEEK

The federal govt. will start spending $100 million on ad campaigns aimed at showing how much they care about you, the taxpayer, and how thankful they are that you’ve paid for their latest 100-million-dollar ad campaign about how much they care about you, the taxpayer…

The federal govt. will start spending $100 million on ad campaigns aimed at showing how much they care about you, the taxpayer. Of course they’re thankful – without you, who would fund their ad campaigns?

The federal govt. will start spending $100 million on ad campaigns aimed at showing how much they care about you, the taxpayer. Expect to see family-friendly promotions from Alex the Tank Engine.

A huge advertising blitz on superannuation law reform will be launched. There’s a catchy tune too: “Superannuation law reform, superannuation law reform, now you don’t have to kill yourself with chloroform!”

Stick your fingers down your throat and shout for Huey – it’s Australian Fashion Week!

Australian Fashion Week begins! Retailers are excited – it’s the biggest week of the year for many of them, especially coke-dealers!

And, with Fashion Week beginning, there’s been concerns that some of the models are actually thinner than their coathangers. So the organisers have hung all the models in the cupboard and are parading the hangers down the catwalk…

And, with Fashion Week beginning, there’s been concerns that some of the models are actually thinner than their coathangers. So the organizers are just going to hang the clothes on the hangers and keep the cocaine for themselves.

And, with Fashion Week beginning, there’s been concerns that some of the models are actually thinner than their coathangers. And they eat less too.

And, with Fashion Week beginning, there’s been concerns that some of the models are actually thinner than their coathangers. So the organisers have demanded their coathangers go on a diet.

We’ll host hundreds of skinny models as part of Australian Fashion Week – to be followed by Australian Bulimia Week. / followed by Australian Drop Dead from Malnourishment Week.

For the fashionista, it’s Australian Fashion Week. For the rest of us, it’s Poor Body Image Week.

And if you see any pale stick-thin women dressed in plastic bags in Sydney streets, don’t assume it’s a junkie – it might be one of the world’s most highly paid supermodels.

Boris Yeltsin’s funeral – his last request was to be fired out of a missile launcher – at the U.S.

Boris Yeltsin’s funeral will be simulcast on a special edition of “Dancing with the Stars”: “Dancing with the Stiffs”.

Boris Yeltsin’s funeral will be simulcast on a special edition of “Strictly Dancing “, though we’re renaming it “Stiffly Dancing”.

Boris Yeltsin’s funeral is next week. He was going to be cremated until they realised that he’d keep burning for weeks.

It’s the final week of Logies preparations, and there’s been last-minute arguments as to whether they should actually change the name of the award, or keep it sounding like some form of diseased snot.

It’s the final week of Logies preparations, and Rove’s busy re-reading all of Daryl Somers’ old jokes…

The final week of Logies preparations, so it’s John Wood’s final opportunity to actually appear on a program so he can justify his Gold Logie.

The Melbourne Comedy Festival comes to an end. Oh, sorry, that’s the ALP national conference.

The ALP national conference comes to an end, and everyone gets a showbag – with a little bit of the Victorian budget in it. And a badge.

The ALP national conference ends. Though the closing ceremony will be an hour earlier to fit in with Kochie.

Baz Luhrmann starts filming his epic movie “Australia” about the 1942 aerial assault of Darwin. Hopefully it doesn’t bomb…

Baz Luhrmann starts filming his epic movie “Australia”. Hugh Jackman plays Queensland, and we get to see Nicole Kidman’s map of Tasmania…

Baz Luhrmann starts filming his epic movie “Australia”. Apparently Nicole Kidman plays the title role – and rumour has it, she’s got a great map of Tasmania…

Baz Luhrmann starts filming his epic movie “Australia”. Apparently Uluru is played by Amanda Vanstone…

John Brumby will deliver the Victorian Budget: a million dollars is going to be spent on buying clouds…

John Brumby will deliver the Victorian Budget, followed by Peter Costello delivering the federal budget: that’s right, it’s a budget-off! Woo! May the most fiscally-responsible man win!

The second part of the “Australian Story” special on Alexander Downer will be screened. This episode focuses on his humility; it’s called “Vanity doesn’t pay kickbacks”.

CLOWN OF RENOWN: ALEC BALDWIN (replaced at last minute)

In a voicemail message, Alec Baldwin called his 11 year old daughter a “rude, thoughtless little pig” without brains or decency. Gee, I wonder where she got that from.

Baldwin has apologised for calling his 11 year-old daughter Ireland a “rude, thoughtless, little pig”
in a voicemail message after she didn’t turn on
her mobile for a scheduled call. He then apologised for naming her “Ireland”, before apologising just for being a Baldwin.

Baldwin has apologised for calling his 11 year-old daughter Ireland a “rude, thoughtless, little pig”. He has since accepted that being a “rude, thoughtless, little pig” just runs in the family.

He also said to her “You don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being. I don’t give a damn that you’re 12 or 11 or a child or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the arse who doesn’t care what you do.” Her mum “doesn’t care” and her dad “doesn’t give a damn” – looks like Ireland’s pretty much on her own there…

But you shouldn’t yell obscenities at your children! A quick backhand works fine.

It’s a disgrace. If he wants to abuse a child, what’s wrong with Bindi Irwin?

It seems pretty unfair. What about if she’d been out of range? Or out of battery? Or out of her mind on drugs?

Baldwin knows that his daughter is a rude, thoughtless little pig without brains or decency. It was how he brought her up.

To punish her, Baldwin has named her Ireland and forced her to be one of his blood relatives. Take that!

He also said to her “You don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being.” Yes, the family resemblance is unmistakable… / A chip off the old block, eh? / That’s what being a Baldwin is all about. / Lucky her old man is such a lovely and caring chap…

He also said to her “I don’t give a damn that you’re 12 or 11 or a child” – hang on. He’s giving her a serve about her thoughtlessness, but he doesn’t know if she’s 11 or 12? It’s like he realises halfway through that he has no idea how old she is. “I don’t give a damn that you’re 12… er, or 11… um, or a… child. Whatever you are, you suck.”

Baldwin said, “I don’t give a damn that you’re 12 or… 11 or… hang on, I forget, are you a boy or a girl?”

What’s so great about having Alec Baldwin as a dad is that he behaves just like a child.

Baldwin was going to fly to L.A. to “straighten her out”. He also threatened to pull her hair and give her a chinese burn.

He then said he was going to fly to L.A. to “straighten her out”. Or recharge her mobile, whatever’s needed.

He then said he was going to fly to L.A. to “straighten her out”. On the Baldwin family torture-rack.

Ireland is going to move to get away from her furious old man. She’s going to move in with her sister Scotland, her older brother Wales, and her younger brother Shropshire North.

Baldwin now says he’s sorry, suggesting the stress of dealing with Kim Basinger had tipped him over the edge. And the stress of dealing with The Edge has tipped him over the George Clooney.

Alec & Kim split in 2001, but have been fighting ever since over custody & visitation rights. They both love that horrible little pig so much…

Alec & Kim split in 2001, but have been fighting ever since over custody & visitation rights. “You take her!” “No, you take her!”

Basinger’s lawyer says Baldwin is out of touch with reality. Baldwin says the lawyer is a stinky little weasel, and should stop reading his thoughts from space.

Kim Basinger has now hired a bodyguard for her daughter. Which can be awkward in the classroom. / Which is an unfair advantage when playing kiss-chasey. / Which is totally unfair in British Bulldogs. / Although he keeps leaping in front of her and yelling “Get down!” when she plays Poison Ball.

Alec’s daughter now has her own bodyguard, which is great for hide and seek. “Move along please, nothing to see here!”

Basinger was going to hire a bodyguard for her daughter, but Ireland said she was already being looked after by the IRA…

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