The Sideshow Ep. 14: monologue material

APEC SCHMAPEC

The APEC summit has finally delivered a knockout punch to climate change. The leaders agreed to a non-binding agreement, still to be ratified, agreeing on non-specific targets for the in-principle reduction of unspecified greenhouse gasses over a generally gradual time at some stage in the not-too-distant future. Perhaps.

All agreed that global warming was a problem – it was making it very difficult to get buyers for their beachside holiday houses.

19 of the leaders agreed that Iraq was a total debacle, while the other two just hid in the corner and sulked. Not naming any names…

As a special parting gift, each leader gets to take home a piece of Aboriginal land.

So far, they’ve agreed:

– that climate change only really effects people who don’t have powerful enough aircon in their SUVs;

– that “ratifying Kyoto” sounds like gobbledegook, neither of those are real words;

– that the Iraq war is going to plan, and once they capture Saddam, it’ll all be over;

– that the Iraq war must be nearly over, there aren’t that many Iraqis left!

– that the best way to deal with protestors and civil rights activists is to give them so many things to protest about that they spontaneously combust;

– that the threat of terrorism is nearly as powerful as the aroma of that coffee, oh, and can i have another iced vovo?

– that the threat of terrorism is just as great now as it was on 9/11, er, except it’s much better now because of all our extra security and so on, ah, yes.

– that terrorism like totally sucks;

– that the War on Terror has pretty much wiped out all terrorism, just like the War on Drugs wiped out drugs and the War on Crime wiped out crime.

– that protestors are pretty much exactly the same as terrorists, except they’re against violence, human rights abuses, blowing themselves up, and terrorism;

– that tough border security is the only way to keep out mass murderers, war criminals and terrorists, unless they’re members of APEC;

– that poverty is only really a problem for people below a certain level of income; / for the poor;

– that “making poverty history” is easily done by writing about it in history books;

– that “unemployed” is just another way of saying “an ungrateful little complainer who should get off drugs and get a job”;

– that if we wiped out all poverty, there’d be no-one to make our sneakers;

– that we need a little bit of poverty left, as something for all the poor people to do;

– that the economy must be fed, and that what it likes to eat best is the blood of the innocent;

– that the solution to world hunger is something best discussed after we polish off this five course gourmet feast;

– that liberty and democracy are really great ideas until you’ve got an APEC to run;

– that the economy doesn’t just rely on the weapons trade – there’s also drugs!

– that if Geldof tries to organise another charity concert, he’ll have a private audience with Mr Sniper;

– that it’s much easier to discuss noble ideas like peace and justice when you’re in a 5-star bunker surrounded by security guards / when there’s a solid steel wall between you and the commoners;

– that charity should begin at home – and governments and businesses ain’t run from home, baby;

– that the main difference between a refugee and an illegal immigrant is what setting you put the electrodes on;

– that the main difference between a refugee and an illegal immigrant is whether you let them sew their lips together, or just shoot them full of tranquilisers;

– that refugees should be given refuge, if there’s absolutely no way to send them back home to die;

– that refugees should all be given a home, and that home should be in the desert somewhere, behind razor-wire;

– that al Qaida still poses a threat to the western way of life,
especially to our love of tits and alcohol abuse;

– that the capital city of Australia should be changed to Texas;

– that APEC is really great, but who let in all the ching chongs?

Bush has already left the conference, to the relief of the other leaders, who can now finally say what they really think of him. So long as Johnny doesn’t snitch. / dob.

With Bush having left the country now, the rest of the leaders can all gang up on Howard as the sole Iraq invader. He should be careful – Wen Jaibao can give a nasty Chinese burn.

Unfortunately, Dubya spent a lot of his time at the conference demanding to know exactly where “Canadia” was…

Now that Bush has gone home, they can finally talk about Iraq without having to keep a straight face…

Many of the leaders expressed concern about the large number of protestors. Vladimir Putin couldn’t understand why they’d been left alive. / Wen Jaibao couldn’t understand why they’d been left alive.

UNBORN FACEBOOK

A 6 month-old Aussie foetus has its own FaceBook page and hundreds of “friends”. Well, who better to play with an unborn foetus than imaginary friends?

A 6 month-old Aussie foetus has its own FaceBook page and hundreds of “friends”. And its umbilical cord has a number one song on MySpace!

Why does it need a FaceBook page when it barely has a face?

Bubba Waring is also very popular on MyUterus and WombSpace.

Bubba Waring will be born in 3 months, and is described by its mother as “the world’s most famous foetus.” And its placenta is the world’s most popular afterbirth!

Unfortunately the foetus’s popularity has started waning once it started spamming its friends with offers of cheap amniotic fluid.

The mother got the idea when the baby started poking her…

The mother was hoping that the foetus might start poking other people rather than just her.

I wouldn’t want to be friends with a foetus. I want my friends to have more life-experience. / All they talk about is placenta. / They’re so self-absorbed. / I mean, the only thing we have in common is an innate appreciation of tits.

It’s handy for the parents, they can get used to the baby taking over their lives before it’s even born.

Bubba Waring will be born in 3 months, and is described by its mother as “the world’s most famous foetus.” The foetus described its mother as “the world’s pushiest stage-mum”.

“It’s been great that Bubba’s gotten all this attention,” said the Mum. “Although the laptop’s a bit uncomfortable.”

They’ve got the world’s first ADSL-compatible umbilical cord.

The mum’s been seen wearing her new t-shirt that says “intel inside”…

The sign on their car says: “baby on motherboard”…

ANNOUNCEMENTS

First of all, an announcement from the members of APEC: Dubya’s on a plane now, we can all stop pretending and go back to being a NORMAL CITY AGAIN!

Would the car with the numberplate “APEC-666” please move, you’re giving the whole thing away.

We’ve got here a message from APEC to Dubya: “Dear Mr Bush. Thanks for popping in, shame about you getting here 2 days early and leaving before we’re actually finished. Maybe next time you might come at the right time, and stay for the entire duration of the conference. Oh that’s right – there won’t be a next time…”

We’ve got here a message from APEC to John Howard: “Dear Mr Howard. It is lovely to see the smiling faces of your people as they enjoy their democratic freedom – NOT! Good work, look forward to seeing you next time. Oh that’s right – there won’t be a next time…”

We’ve got here a message from Dubya to the rest of APEC: “So long, Suckers!”

Would the owners of the motorcade of black limos flying US flags please move your cars – you’re running late!

George Bush is on his way home – which means he’s outside the security fence! Get him!

There’s been a terrible accident in Baghdad when George Bush’s plane spiralled down. Finally decided to play the terrorists at their own game – and just in time for September 11!

We’ve got an announcement from Osama, of all people. “Dear Australia, with the 6th anniversary of 9/11 coming up, I’d just like to say g’day to my favourite tiny non-threatening country. America is the Great Satan, and Australia is Little Lucifer, and I thak you both for your hard work. Iraq had barely heard of al Qaida 6 years ago – now, they’re my biggest market! Your “war on terror” is an absolute pisser – very well done. And as for pretending that funny-looking dwarf with the eyebrows is really your country’s leader – I have never laughed so hard in my life. Keep up the good work! Lots of love, Osama. PS: with a bit of effort, we can keep this thing going forever!”

We’ve got an announcement from Dubya: “Dear Australia, with the 6th anniversary of 9/11 coming up, I’m confused. How many candles should I put on the cake – 9, or 11?”

Phillipine President Gloria Arroyo has been voted best bit of ass at APEC, followed by Susilo Bambang Yudiyono. With Helen Clark in third. Got to get those teeth looked at, honey.

Kevin Rudd can’t be here tonight; he’s standing at the APEC security fence trying to get a good view. “Hi! George! Bambang! It’s me, Kevin! I’ll be the PM in a few months! Honest!”

John Howard’s apologised for not calling the election yet, but he couldn’t take a chance that that Rudd fellow could hang out with all the big cheese.

Don’t forget to enrol to vote now; if you’re not on the electoral roll when the election’s called you can’t vote. No joke there, just a good idea.

There’s an announcement here from the AFL: apparently, there’s a rumour flying around that some of their players are not on drugs. The AFL wish to deny all allegations of this sort, and insist that not only are all their players consistently high as kites, but several of them are actually some of the best dealers around, with low low prices on the finest Class A substances around.

To deal with the drugs scandal, the AFL has assembled a crack team of experts, as well as a dope team of experts, an ice team of experts, a smack team and a couple of teams dedicated to ecstasy and horse tranquiliser.

There’s an announcement here from the AFL: apparently, many of their drug-users are addicted to football.

No AFL players could be on the show tonight: half of the teams are busy preparing for their finals matches and the other half are out getting absolutely shitfaced.

NEXT WEEK

APEC ends, with a celebratory riot of destruction;

APEC ends, replaced with the compulsory Marking of the Beast;

APEC ends, and all the protestors can go home, satisfied they’ve made the world a better place;

With the South Australian and Brisbane Writers Festivals both beginning, writers are going to remain pretty much unknown in two festivals at once!

With the South Australian and Brisbane Writers Festivals both beginning, writers are going to have to make a choice – unless they manage to come up with some sort of cloning or parallel universe narrative.

It’s 6 years since the September 11 attacks, and Osama will be appearing on a special edition of “Where Are They Now?”

It’s 6 years since the September 11 attacks, and Osama will celebrate by going to a screening of “World Trade Center” and throwing paper planes…

The MTV Video Music Awards; soft porn the kiddies can sing along to!

The Great Australian Bush Walk. It turns out the plane tickets were too much for poor Dubya.

Sunday is National Gynaecological Awareness Day, to be followed by National Clitoris Awareness Day.

Sunday is National Gynaecological Awareness Day, or as I prefer to call it, Papper’s Day…

Sunday is National Gynaecological Awareness Day. The organisers are launching a smear campaign…

Sunday is National Gynaecological Awareness Day, with the first ever awarding of the Vag of Honour.

Tomorrow is National Gynaecological Awareness Day; little-known in Australia, but extremely popular with the Brazilians.

Mercedes Corby starts legal action against Channel 7 for defamation, and legal action against her parents for giving her such a fucked-up name;

Mercedes Corby starts legal action against Channel 7 for defamation, and Mazda 323 Corby starts legal action against her parents;

Tuesday is the 6th anniversary of the Twin Towers; not as good as the Fellowship, but still okay.

The World Cup of cricket’s new extra-quick format, 20/20, kicks off on Tuesday and ends six hours later…

The 2007 Classical Music Awards will announce this year’s best songs over 200 years old.

It’s the 2007 Classical Music Awards with Beethoven a hot favourite for the 196th year running.

Thursday’s Roald Dahl Day will be cancelled when it turns out that he’s actually dead.

Thursday is Roald Dahl Day! The Twits prize goes to George Dubya and John Howard; The Giant Peach award goes to Pamela Anderson’s breast, and Paris Hilton gets The Magic Finger.

Stephen Harper will be the first Canadian Prime Minister to address the Australian parliament. He’ll tell us what it’s like to actually live next to Bush, rather than just have a long-distance relationship…

The Socceroos play Argentina in a “friendly”; although, by “friendly”, they mean we’re gonna kick their Argentinian arses!!!

The Socceroos play Argentina in a “friendly”. In fact they’re taking the game so casually that they’ve selected actual roos to play.

The Socceroos play Argentina in a “friendly”; although the Socceroos might have to have a drink or two before it gets that “friendly”.

The 61st U.N. General Assembly will have its final session on Wednesday, followed a day later by the first session of the 62nd. Wednesday night, everyone lets their hair down by going to Scores for a lap dance.

On Thursday, the beginning of Ramadan fasting coincides with the Jewish New Year. Which is handy, because the Jews can feast on all the food the Muslims don’t eat.

Gold Coast Fashion Week, with all the most glamourous thongs, cossies and zinc from the world’s hottest designers, all worn by Australia’s chic-est bogans.

Miss Earth pageant; immediately after she wins her crown, she has all her hair cut off, and gets stripmined for uranium / drilled for her last few reserves of oil / immediately after she wins her crown, she’s raped by Western business conglomerates.

Shane Warne turns 38; while his hair turns 5!

Shane Warne will turn 38. And German.

Shane Warne will turn 38. Surely he’s old enough to know better.

Shane Warne will turn 38. I don’t wanna know about it when he’s in his “naughty forties”…

Al Gore will arrive in Sydney on Friday, and immediately have to race off to the dentist with an inconvenient tooth;

Loud Shirt Day in W.A., S.A., Vic. & Qld.; Sydney, of course, is way too fashionable for that.

Friday is Loud Shirt Day in WA, SA, Victoria and Queensland. New South Wales got their chance today with the APEC outfits.

In Washington, Bush will receive the 2nd Interim Progress Report on Iraq; “not going so well after all – maybe take back that whole “mission accomplished” thingie…”

The 2007 Celebration of Youth ball will take place, with the guest of honour – the Facebook Foetus!

And it’s the 2007 Celebration of Youth Ball, the one night of the year when kiddies and teens all get together and spend the night hunting the elderly. / slaying the old and weak.

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