The Sideshow Episode 15: monologue material

Howard’s language and image seems to have changed as he desperately tries to appeal to younger voters. After the APEC cultural showcase, John Howard used these words: “I felt stoked that my country had such talented artists.” When asked about the conference in general, he said that “APEC totally owns”, and that (mime turntables) “wikiwikiwikiwikiworld climate change is the shizzl”.

Howard says that he is not trying to woo younger voters, insisting that he’s always been dat bling, aaaiiiiiiit?

Asked if he was trying to woo younger voters by changing his language, Mr Howard said “Like, whatever.”

After the APEC cultural showcase, John Howard said that he “felt stoked that my country had such talented artists.” He also added that he thought the performances “kicked arse”, the meal was “wicked”, and the nightclub was “fully sick as”. / and that he “fully rated” the crystal meth.

Howard also described the APEC dinner as “d-to-the-licious”.

Howard’s also been seen with his drizabone collar turned up, busting a few moves with his homies.

Now that APEC’s over, Howard can finally chillax in da hood for a day or two before busting his arse on this election mofo.

He’s also taken to wearing his official APEC akubra backwards.

Of course it’s not just Howard: Rudd’s latest campaign just has a picture of his head between a strippers’s boobs, and the caption “Dontcha wish your PM was hot like him? Dontcha wish your PM was a freak like him?”

APEC’s most notable achievement was the signing of the “Sydney Declaration” on climate change, a non-core promise to be nice to the Earth if we feel like it.

And the “Sydney Declaration”! Wasn’t that great! Finally, we’ve got world leaders to agree that they might do something unspecific about climate change, if they really want to. Go APEC!

The leaders also signed up to the lesser-known Sydney Declaration on Terrorism, where terrorists are encouraged to enter into voluntary, non-binding agreements not to cause too much terror, if that’s okay.

The APEC security wall has been pulled down now, having been a great success. Not only have the leaders escaped without incident, but the wall itself has suffered only minor injuries.

The security at APEC was a great success – the only breaches were people dressed as Osama bin laden.

The security at APEC was a great success, with the only people allowed in being world leaders. Oh, and people dressed as the world’s most wanted terrorist.

***

A special selection of prayers has been published by the Church of England to help people deal with Mondays. Why not just rename it Funday?!

God’s responded by taking back the day of rest. We’re clearly not using it properly.

The prayers are aimed at banishing the post-weekend blues with God’s help. For example:

“Oh Lord, grant me the power to make it to work on time and in good humour, or, if that be impossible, maybe just smite the place and give me the day off, Amen.”

“Oh Lord, bestow upon me the power to rise on time, to arrive at work on time, and to travel through time to undrink that last bottle of Shiraz.”

“Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name, you gave yourself Sunday off, I’m taking Monday, ta.”

“Oh Lord, you are all powerful, couldn’t you have made it an eight day week? Jesus Christ, what are ya?”

“Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, just after 2 or 3 more snoozes.”

“Oh Lord, on Monday you parted heaven and earth and let there be light. Well, I’ve opened the curtains – can I have the rest of the day off?”

“Heavenly Father, You know that day when you separated the heavens and the Earth, and everything was void and without form? How did you cope? Amen.”

“Dear Lord, Tell me why I don’t like Mondays? Or should I be asking Sir Bob Geldof instead? Amen.”

“Dear Lord, Please give me the strength to ignore the pounding in my temples, the courage to face 5 days of torture, and the coffee to zzzzzz…..”

“Almighty God, We thankyou for your generous gift of the weekend, but have you got any suggestions for today? I’m totally wrecked. Amen.”

“Dear God, Please grant me the good fortune to not be found out for throwing a sickie. Also, would a new car be out of the question? Amen.”

“Oh Lord, lead us not into temptation, but into the office instead.”

“Oh Lord, forgive us our trespasses, but I had no change for the ticket-machine.”

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Osama bin Laden’s released a new video – this time it’s a duet with Justin Timberlake. (“I’m Bringing Terror Back”)

Osama bin Laden’s released a new video – already it’s number 5 on the Terror Charts!

Osama bin Laden can’t be on the show tonight – after releasing his new video, it’s been non-stop interviews, signings and guest appearances on Video Hits.

Osama bin Laden’s released a new video, though it’s very light on the special effects compared to that one with the planes.

Osama bin Laden’s released a new video, although in contrast to most of his others, this one’s a fitness workout vid: “Osamacize”!

Osama bin Laden’s released a new video in which he’s dressed up as Chas from the Chaser.

To win a copy of Osama’s new video, just tell him in 30 words or less why America is the Great Satan. Answers on the back of an envelope to “Osama, A Cave, Border Region, Pakistan”.

This is true: in the new video Osama looks younger, and his grey beard has mysteriously become shorter, and turned from grey back to brown again. But rather than admit it’s actually just an old video, the CIA is insisting Osama’s actually cut and dyed his beard… and had some plastic surgery, and, er, maybe a little botox treament.

Pope Benny has called on Europe to stop being selfish and have more children – the reptiles need to feed.

We’ve got a little lost child in the studio here tonight, and if his parents don’t come to collect him in the next five minutes he’s going to be claimed by Pope Benedict…

Pope Benedict can’t be here tonight – since he called on Europe to have more children, he’s been voted the one who has to change all their shitty nappies.

Pope Benny has called on Europe to have more children – as long as they don’t do it by fornicating.

James Packer, whose wealth has recently been estimated at $8 billion, making him one of the 150 richest people in the world, your chicken parma and chips is ready.

James Packer’s wealth has been estimated at $8b and is one of the 150 richest people in the world, and one of the 10 most lovely and generous… can we borrow half a mill?

New debate about whether William Shakespeare wrote any of his plays or sonnets, and whether anyone gives a shit;

An announcement from William Shakespeare – apparently he didn’t write any of his plays at all, but did write all of the Harry Potter stuff.

There’s been fresh debate about whether William Shakespeare wrote any of his plays or sonnets, and new claims that the plays and sonnets don’t exist at all.

William Shakespeare issued a statement hitting back at claims that he didn’t write his plays, saying “Yeah, I dun em all an’ that, even them songet thingies.”

An announcement from William Shakespeare – apparently he didn’t write any of his plays at all, but did write a lot of the ads for the Napisan Challenge.

There’s been fresh debate about whether William Shakespeare wrote any of his plays or sonnets, and whether they really would have called poems “sonnets”.

Shakespeare didn’t write any of his plays or sonnets at all – it was J K Rowling. / it was Max Walker.

Kevin Rudd can’t be here tonight, as he’s standing in front of the mirror flexing his muscles and saying “I’m the man, I’m the man” – in Mandarin.

Could the Prime Minister please move his car, it’s in the way of the men doing Kevin’s landscaping…

Much speculation about whether Howard should stay as Liberal leader. Abbott and Costello are arguing over who’s on first, and what’s on second…

Winner of Liberal Party pass-the-parcel turns out to be John Howard again. Though watch out, Johnny, the parcel seems to be ticking…

**********

NEXT WEEK

Sun, Sept. 16
Australian TV celebrates its 51st birthday tomorrow, and will celebrate with a quiet night in front of the family.

Australian TV will celebrate its 51st birthday by sitting down with a hot cuppa cocoa and watching “Mother and Son” just one more time…

Australian TV will celebrate its 51st birthday by shaking its head and wondering what young people think they’re doing these days.

Australian TV will celebrate its 51st birthday by attempting to Skype with Voip, before having to have a little liedown.

Australian TV turns 51 – which is only one year older than Nick Cave. The ABC will celebrate by singing about death and shooting itself full of smack.
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Tomorrow is Open Day at Kirribilli House. Probably your last opportunity to take a peek at Janette’s housekeeping.

Kirribilli House has its open day, prompting bongheads from all over the state to see if they can smuggle one in and smoke a Kirribilli billy…

Kirribilli House has its open day – bring a spraycan!

It’ll be 59th Emmy Awards, with a special musical performance by the cast from “The Family Guy”. Well, I guess they’re no less 2-dimensional than most Emmy hosts… / Like most American stars, they’re totally 2-dimensional.

London Fashion Week kicks off – seven days of non-stop tweed!

London Fashion Week kicks off with a sexy catwalk display of handkerchiefs knotted at each corner and used as hats…

New Zealand Fashion Week begins, promising all the latest trends in gumboots!

New Zealand Fashion Week begins, with the catchy slogan “Plunge Yourself Deep into Wool”.

Next week is London Fashion Week and New Zealand Fashion Week. Well come on Fashionistas, which is it?

London and New Zealand both have their Fashion Weeks starting, so fashionistas are going to have to decide if they want to go to London or Palmerston North…

London and New Zealand both have their Fashion Weeks starting. Never have so many anoraks and overcoats been seen together at once!

Mon, Sept. 17
Britney and Kevin Federline will appear in court for a custody hearing, and the judge and jury will try to decide which one is less of a total loser / which one will be less damaging for the child;

Britney and K-Fed are going to court in a custody battle. Although Brit did originally think that meant a food fight. “Yum, it’s so custardy!”

Tues, Sept. 18
62nd General Assembly of the U.N. convenes, and debates whether or not they are ineffectual, powerless, or just lapdogs to the Illuminati;

Tuesday brings the US Republican Party Presidential Debate, so they finally see if they can find another candidate with the speaking skills of Dubya.

National Close The Gap Day: gives Australians the opportunity to show their support for closing the 17-year life expectancy gap between Aboriginal & Torres Strait Islanders and other Australians. The quickest way to this this, of course, is if you’re white – kill yourself.

In Sydney, the 7th Annual Bar Awards, the premier awards night for the hospitality industry, will kick off with a special appearance from Kevin Rudd and a couple of his favourite lapdancers…

Wed, Sept. 19
International Talk Like A Pirate Day. When asked why people are so interested in International Talk Like A Pirate Day, a spokesman said, “Don’t know, they just aaarrrrrrrrrr.”

MOBO Awards – Music Of Black Origin – in Britain. This will be quickly followed by the Music Of French Origin awards – otherwise known as the MOFO.

SBS Women Working In Television cocktail party. Anton Enus is going to jump out of a cake!

Wednesday is the SBS Women Working in Television cocktail party. Mary Kostakidis has had her invite withdrawn…

Thurs, Sept. 20
2007 Royal Melbourne Show will begin, but, as usual, without any actual royalty.

Peaches Geldof arrives in Australia for a visit. She’ll be staying with her good friends Crabapples Farnham and Watermelons Bloody Wilson.

Fri, Sept. 21
Next Friday is the International Day Of Peace. Well, that’s not going to work, is it. / Well, nice try.

And next Friday is World Alzheimer’s Day. I think. ..

World Alzheimer’s Day will be on this Friday, if anyone remembers.

World Alzheimer’s Day will be on this Friday. And then again on Saturday.

Kevin Rudd and Nick Cave both turn 50 next Friday! That’s kinda funny enough, isn’t it?

Kevin Rudd and Nick Cave both turn 50 next Friday! Kev’s going to celebrate by going into rehab for heroin, and Nick’s going to run for PM…

Nice Cave and Kevin Rudd both turn 50 on Friday. Don’t mix those presents up.

Nick Cave turns 50. He’s going to use the occasion to admit that he never actually used drugs at all, and actually always wanted to be a disco dancer.

Stephen King turns 60 – or is it really his evil undead twin?!

Liam Gallagher turns 35, which is nearly 15 in Gallagher years.

Liam Gallagher will turn 35, and drink himself into a stupor which will last until he turns 36…

Sat, Sept. 22
Next Saturday the Miss Pole Dance Australia will judged by Kevin Rudd… / Next Saturday brings Miss Pole Dance Australia. So now we know what Kevin Rudd will be doing for his 50th.

The 2007 South Pacific Dance Sport Championships will begin, or as they’re better known, the Spdsc’s. Catchy, innit.

James Blunt will release his 2nd album – and it will totally suck, to be blunt. And his album won’t be that great either.

Another terrifying release from a terrorist outlaw with the new album from James Blunt.

Thomas The Tank Engine musical will begin in Brisbane, with catchy tunes like “The 8:15 To Epping Has Been Cancelled”, “Please Validate Your Ticket Before Commencing Your Journey”, and the crowd-pleaser “We Apologise For Any Inconvenience”.

The Thomas the Tank Engine musical will begin in Brisbane, initially run five minutes late and then be cancelled.

Next Saturday, the Thomas The Tank Engine musical will begin in Brisbane, before suddenly being cancelled, leaving ticket holders standing in the rain with no hope of ever getting their money back. But it’s okay –Thomas will apologise for the inconvenience.

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