The Sideshow Ep. 16: monologue material

Kevin Rudd’s launched his election campaign already. In fact he’s so sure of becoming PM now that he thought he was able to announce the election date himself.

John Howard’s still stretching out the date of the election as he heads towards the three year mark of this term. I think he’s hoping that if he never calls the election we might not notice and he can just stay PM forever.
That naughty pixie Kevin Rudd is on a roll. He launched Labor’s election campaign before Howard actually set a date, with the slogan, “New Leadership”. Howard’s slogan is “Same old shit”. / “Same old crap – but not for long!”

Rudd’s already acting as if he’s PM – he’s rorting taxpayers, lying through his arse, and is seriously considering declaring an illegal war.

Rudd’s head is now so far up his own arse that he can give himself a lap dance.

He also wants to face the P.M. in 3 debates, including one conducted on YouTube. Of course, a debate on YouTube usually goes: “U R so gay” “No, U R” “No, U R, U totally suck” “Not as much as u” “LOL ROTFLMAO”.

Rudd’s challenged Howard to three debates, including one conducted on YouTube. Although it might be more accurate to call that one a flame-war.

Rudd wants to conduct a YouTube debate against Howard. The only problem will be that Howard will delete all of Rudd’s comments.

Rudd wants to conduct a YouTube debate against Howard. Of course, they’ll spend most of their time trying to delete each others’ comments.

Rudd wants to conduct a YouTube debate against Howard. But if the voters get their way, the next prime minister will end up being Britney Spears / being a dog who can sing “i ruv you”. / being a child being hit in the face with a swing.

***

One of the world’s leading authorities on al-Qaeda says the organisation was spreading “like a KFC franchise”. They’ve even initiated drive-thru car bombings.

One of the world’s leading authorities on al-Qaeda says the failure to capture or kill bin Laden has meant the organisation was spreading “like a KFC franchise”. Well, their wings are to die for…

You should try al-Qaeda’s Hot Wings… very spicy.

When they blow you up, they at least hand you a refresher towelette…

They’re not suicide bombing after all – they’re just dramatically upsizing.

If al Qaeda’s like KFC, does that make bin Laden the Colonel?

Come to think of it, put a turban on Colonel Sanders and…
Colonel bin Sanders
Ha! I knew it! The Colonel’s a terrorist!

But when you go into your local al-Qaeda branch, watch out for the Zinger burger – it really packs an extra zing.

That’s why the US government are so determined to find bin Laden – they’re desperate for those 11 secret herbs and spices.

Abdel Bari-Atwan said, “There used to be just one address, like the first cave on the left, but now there are 6 or 7 addresses” – and most of them have a drive-thru.

When you visit you local al-Qaeda branch you now have the choice to eat in or be blown away.

Al-Qaeda has 6 or 7 addresses now? No wonder we can’t find Osama!

One of the world’s leading authorities on al-Qaeda says the failure to capture or kill bin Laden has meant the organisation was spreading “like a KFC franchise”. He went on to say that they “are as bloodthirsty as Pizza Hut”, and “as evil-hearted as Ronald McDonald”.

Now that it’s become just like an imperialist western chain, bin Laden has vowed to blow himself up. But then, that is the al Qaeda way.

You ought to try the Al-Qaeda Combo: for $8.95 you get a car bombing, fifth degree burns and a Coke.

You ought to try the Al-Qaeda Combo: for $8.95 you get 72 virgins, eternal worship, and a Coke.

Al-Qaeda’s not just finger-lickin’ good – they deep-fry the whole hand.

In a lot of ways, al Qaida’s better for you than KFC: if you’re blowing yourself up, you know you’re not going to die from heart disease! / ever seen an obese terrorist? / when you’re living in a cave, you never need to watch your cholesterol.

***

A controversial teenage chastity campaign from the U.S. is on its way to Australia. The “Silver Ring Thing” project encourages teenagers as young as 12 to pledge publicly to stay virgins until they’re married. After that, they can be as slutty as they like.

Members of the Silver Ring Thing pledge to remain virgins until they’re married. Then they can screw whoever they like.

For $20, they buy an inscribed ring that they wear all the time & receive a “chastity bible”. It’s like a regular bible, but without all the begatting.

Silver Ring Thing members are issued with a special “chastity bible”, which omits the parts about begatting, adultery and Sodom & Gomorrah.

For $20, they buy an inscribed ring that they wear all the time – just don’t ask where they have to wear it…

For $20, they buy an inscribed ring that they wear all the time & receive a “chastity bible”. For $50, they get a plug.

There are rallies that include audience involvement, comedy & tearful testimonials from “born-again virgins”. Then there’s a massive gang-bang.

The good thing about being a born-again virgin is you can do it again and again and again…

The rallies incorporate tearful testimonials from “born-again virgins”, which is a really great pick-up technique.

The Silver Ring Thing believe in sex for procreation, abstinence before marriage, and marriage before the age of 18 because I’m just so HORNY.

In actual fact, the Silver Ring Thing don’t want your thing near anyone’s ring.

Silver Ring Thing events include rock bands and even sketch comedy. You should see this sketch where promiscuous teenagers are roasted in Satan’s fires! It’s Hell-arious!

While it hasn’t brought down teen sexual activity that much, teen marriages have skyrocketed.

The Silver Ring Thing tells teenagers that, instead of having sex before marriage, they should worship an invisible spirit who punishes dead people. Coz having sex before marriage is crazy.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Bush & Cheney are gearing up to declare attack Iran. In fact they are now claiming that the War on Iraq was actually just a typo.

We have an announcement from Bush & Cheney, who are gearing up to attack Iran – turns out the entire Iraq war was based on a White House typo.

Bush & Cheney are gearing up to declare attack Iran. In fact they are now claiming that the War on Iraq was actually due to a typo. Which makes more sense out of the upcoming war with Bussia, the recent offensive in Chinoo, and the bombings in Korth Norea.

Bush & Cheney can’t be on the show tonight, as they’re busy gearing up to attack Iran – they don’t care who they’re bombing, and I quote, “as long as those sand-niggers get a can of whupass”.

Bush & Cheney can’t be on the show tonight, as they’re busy gearing up to attack Iran – Cheney desperately wants to shoot someone.

Dubya & Dick, not content with making a shemozzle of Iraq and Afghanistan, are gearing up to attack Iran. However given the lack of success in Iraq they are actually going to be the only two soldiers. Good luck, lads!

America’s favourite funnymen, Dubya & Dick, are gearing up to launch a war against Iran. And why not? All their other wars have been so successful! (Apart from the Afghanistan and Iraq ones, that is.)

Would the owner of the 1950’s model “Blatant Lie” painted red white and blue, please move it. Your time is up, and you’re blocking in the “Any Chance For A Peaceful World” combi-van.

Former US Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan has announced the Iraq War is largely about oil. And slightly about Bush not liking Saddam’s moustache.

Former US Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan has announced the Iraq War is largely about oil. So it’s the Iran war they’re about to declare that’s actually about self-defence. / So it wasn’t the Iraq war that was about self-defense at all – it was the Iran war… that Bush and Cheney are about to start.

Alan Greenspan was going to be on the show to talk about his new book, in which he says the Iraq war is largely about oil, but we wanted him to tell us something we hadn’t already known for the last 5 years…

Former Chairman of the U.S. Federal Reserve Alan Greenspan can’t be here tonight – he’s busy trying to dodge CIA snipers.

Former Chairman of the U.S. Federal Reserve Alan Greenspan can’t be here tonight – he’s busy writing a new book about how bears actually shit in the woods, and that the Pope is really a catholic.

Family First Senator Steve Fielding wants families having a third child to be given a “Bumper Baby Bonus” of $10,000, and an additional bonus of $50,000 if you’re having the son of god. / a virgin birth. / giving birth in a manger.

Family First Senator Steve Fielding wants families having a third child to be given a “Bumper Baby Bonus” of $10,000. He was one of 16 kids himself. Now that’s a cash crop! / No wonder he puts Family First… he can’t see past them…

We’ve got an apology here from Britney Spears for her MTV debacle. Apparently her lacklustre dance moves were due to her being sober and straight.

We’ve got an apology here from Britney Spears for her MTV debacle. She apologises for losing her ability to sing and dance – but she says she’s still the best racoon-skinner in the whole trailerpark. / but she still gives the cheapest handjobs in the whole trailerpark.

Britney Spears was going to be on the show tonight, but when she decided to come on totally pissed wearing nothing but a bedazzled bikini, we thought it’d be better to just send her to the office of Kevin Rudd…

Prince is launching legal action against YouTube, to “reclaim his art on the internet”. YouTube wrote back to him, with a one-word message that said “Art?”

Prince has launched action against YouTube to “reclaim his art on the internet”. He needn’t bother – it’s bloody impossible to search for that symbol thing on Google. / my keyboard doesn’t even have that symbol of his.

O.J. Simpson’s going to be on the show tonight – but he has to break in.

O.J. Simpson has been arrested for breaking and entering a Las Vegas hotel room. He claimed he was only retrieving property that had been stolen from him – a pair of gloves, a gun, his wife’s body…

Barbra Streisand will tour New Zealand not Australia, because she was hurt by criticism of her last tour. Critics are pleased that they won’t have to sit through another free concert from her…

Barbra Streisand can’t be on the show tonight, as her latest tour will go to New Zealand but not Australia. Apparently she was hurt by Australian criticism of her last tour, so we don’t get one this time around. So everything worked out for the best, really, didn’t it?

Barbra Streisand can’t be on the show tonight, as her latest tour will go to New Zealand but not Australia. We’re currently trying to organise a backup jew.

The Liberal Party has announced that their next term in office will be driven by their strong team, with initially Howard as PM and Costello as Treasurer, followed by Costello as PM and… er… some other guy as Treasurer. And who wouldn’t trust the national economy to the steady hands of… some other guy?

The Liberals have just sent through their new press release, promoting itself as being from the Howard-Costello team. Although that’s been crossed out.

Would Mr Peter Costello please come and collect his Prime Ministership, it’s been ready for years and it’s going stale.

**********

NEXT WEEK

Sun, Sept. 23
Tomorrow is Spring Equinox, the most important day of the year for those three or four druids who still give a shit.

Tomorrow is Spring Equinox, the year’s most average day! You’re right, it is a bit hard to get excited about.

Tomorrow is annual Harbour Bridge Fun Run, followed by the annual Harbour Bridge Grumpy Collapse / followed by the annual Harbour Bridge Wheezy Lie-Down.

The Australian University Games will begin tomorrow. And boy, do those nerds know how to run!

The Australian University Games will begin tomorrow. I can’t wait to see the Hop Step and Reference / the 50 metre Research / the Synchronised Bibliography / the hundred-metre Ego-stroke.

All the excitement of the Australian University Games – my favourite event is the 100 metre geek. / 100 metre drunken grope.

The Australian University Games will begin tomorrow. It’s great fun, but you’ve got to be quiet: it’s held in the reference section.

The Australian University Games will begin tomorrow. Just like the Olympics, but instead of athletes, they have pissed virgins.

The Australian University Games will begin tomorrow. Instead of hurdles, contestants will have to leap over all the drunken teenagers snogging on the oval.

The Australian University Games will begin tomorrow. It’s the Drunken Virgins versus the Crabby Pedants!

Tomorrow is 75 years since the kingdom of Saudi Arabia was established. To celebrate, there’ll be beheadings all day long!

Tomorrow is the 75th birthday of the kingdom of Saudi Arabia – and as a special treat, the King gets to play with all the chopped-off hands.

Tomorrow is the 75th birthday of the kingdom of Saudi Arabia – just be really really careful when you’re playing “Pass the Parcel”….

Tomorrow is the 75th birthday of the kingdom of Saudi Arabia – and you haven’t lived until you’ve played “Pin the Tail on the Donkey” with real donkeys!

Mon, Sept. 24
Monday night’s the Brownlow Medal, so coke dealers, make sure you’re well stocked up…

Monday night’s the Brownlow Medal, the only night of the year that mixes footy meatheads and skimpy frocks. Apart from Sam Newman’s birthday.

And on Monday, we have the AFL Brownlow Medal. It’s the biggest day of the year for footballers, their wives, and their dealers!

The US “Dancing With The Stars” begins, featuring… er, Scary Spice, and… um… hmm, Jennie Garth from “Beverley Hills 90210”… oh, sorry, my mistake, that’s the new series of “Dancing With The Has-Beens”.

Tues, Sept. 25
On Tuesday, another U.S. rap star – called “The Game” – will go on trial over gun charges. In his defense, he said “Shizzl fo mah G to tha Izzo fo real dawg mahfukkas aint no thang. Your honour.”

U.S. rap star “The Game” goes on trial over gun charges; he’s pleading “N to the Gizzilty”.

Wed, Sept. 26
On Wednesday, there’ll be a massive union rally against Work Choices in the Melbourne CBD, with thousands of workers wasting their time arguing with a government that really doesn’t give a shit what they think.

A huge rally against Work Choices will be held in Melbourne, and everyone attending will of course be sacked…

NASA will launch its Dawn probe to investigate the origins of the solar system, before it mysteriously disappears in a cloud of green mist… / before it is mysteriously eaten…

On Wednesday, NASA will launch its Dawn probe. Dawn will tell NASA to fuck off, and NASA will attempt to probe someone else.

On Wednesday, it’s the 2007 Outback Festival! They’re debating where to hold it: in the middle of nowhere, or out back of Burke. / out back of Burke, or just past the Black Stump.

The Melbourne Fringe Festival will begin on Wednesday. This year, the Fringe is so fringe, that it’s only being held in secret locations, with no audiences, and performers are only allowed to perform if they promise they won’t.

The Brisbane Institute will host the Future Of The Car seminar – apparently, the future of the car is actually a bike!

The Brisbane Institute will host the Future of the Car seminar. It’s only $5 entry, but it costs $1000 to get a parking spot…

New Zealand will celebrate 100 years of complete independence from Britain, and Australia will get ready to celebrate independence from the U.S.

To celebrate 100 years of complete independence from Britain, New Zealand will hold an enormous party. Australia will ask the Queen if we can go…

Thurs, Sept. 27
In Las Vegas, the Mr. Olympia bodybuilding contest will be launched; first person to build a working human wins a prize!

In the U.S., the Van Halen reunion tour will kick off. They’ll be unveiling their new version of “Jump”, renamed “At This Age, I’m Glad I Can Still Walk”.

Meat Loaf will turn 60, the only reason he’s lasted so long is that he’s more than half preservatives.

Meat Loaf will turn 60 on Thursday. I mean, I’ve heard of leftovers, but this is ridiculous! Wahey!

Sydney is hosting a function called Eat Local, Save Planet, which you can attend for just $125 per head. Or you could just Eat Maccas, Save Money.

Sydney is hosting a function called Eat Local, Save Planet. It’s $125 a head, but much less for the kidneys or liver. / much cheaper if you’re happy to just eat the offal.

Sydney is hosting a function called Eat Local, Save Planet. Originally it was called “Eat the Locals, Save Planet”, but it totally gave the whole thing away.

On Thursday there’s something called “Eat Local, Save Planet”. Same day as “Eat Planet, Spit Out Earthlings”. Hmmm.

Fri, Sept. 28
Miss Olympia bodybuilding final; first person to build a working mate for Mr Olympia wins a secret laboratory and a year’s-worth supply of fresh corpses!

Sat, Sept. 29
The AFL Grand Final next Saturday may actually be won by a Victorian club. Have they no respect for tradition?

It’s the final of the Olympia bodybuilding contest! It’s the round in which all the villagers get together and chase Mr and Mrs Olympia with pitchforks and burning torches! May the best reanimated corpse-monster win!

The exhibition “Diana: A Celebration” will begin – may the best reanimated corpse-monster win!

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