The Sideshow Ep 21: monologue material

Tonight, bearded men, one-ball jugglers and other spectacles to rival the Prime Ministerial debate.

Tonight, grass growing, paint drying and other spectacles to rival the Prime Ministerial debate.

Tonight, a worm that turns, a talking mandarin, and other oddities we saw in last week’s Prime Ministerial debate.

Last Sunday saw Howard vs Rudd in a head-to-head battle to see who could put us to sleep before 9 o’clock.

Since the most interesting thing about the debate was the Channel 9 coverage being pulled due to the worm, perhaps we could just have two worms debating next time. Though it could be argued that was what we had this time.

The worm’s verdict was 65% preferred Rudd, 29% Howard, and 6% preferred nice juicy compost. Although it’s hard to tell the difference.

The worm didn’t like talk of Costello, the war in Iraq, or the Early Bird.

The best part of Sunday’s debate was this brief shot of Peter Costello and Alexander Downer.
Papa Smirk and Smirkette
There they are, Papa Smirk and Smirkette.

Rudd gave us a little peek into what kind of debate we could have when he almost called the PM “Mr Coward”. It’d be much more entertaining if the leaders could just stick to the childish namecalling! It’s not as if Parliament hasn’t prepared them for it…

Perhaps the best way of determining who should be PM would be to hold one of their children hostage and demand that they turn Australia into a terrorist stronghold. Whoever sacrifices their child first wins my vote!

Of course, the only real way to test a potential PM’s ticker is to see them face-to-face enduring the sport of kings – jelly-wrestling. / soggy biscuit. / cock-fighting. And I don’t mean the wussy version where you use a chicken.

If only they had’ve had a YouTube debate. Then at least we could’ve switched windows while they droned on and played a bit of Pacman.

Maybe they should have a debate in Second Life… That way we don’t have to waste our first one watching it.

They should have a debate in the Thunderdome. Two men enter – one Prime Minister leaves!

But a debate is so 20th Century! We’re in the future now! What we wanna see is Kevin and Johnny swinging around with chainsaws in the Thunderdome! Two men in, one man out! Yeah! “And my policy on climate change is-” NYEAAAARRRGGGHHH (chainsaw sound)

Instead of a virtual worm, our leadership should be decided by an actual worm! A giant worm. Or even better, an enormous radioactive monster leech! That way, whoever becomes leader also gets super-leech powers! Although, some would argue that the PM has super-leech powers already…

As Aussies, we should be deciding our leaders with Two-Up, a sculling contest or Dwarf-Tossing.

It would be better if they added a drinking game element. Every time Howard says “union leaders” or Rudd says “working families”, they’d have to take a drink. Of course that would end up with Howard under the table – and Rudd wouldn’t be able to remember a thing…

I’ve got a way of determining our next PM – the first one to find Osama wins. On your marks…

***

Harry Potter fans are reeling after the announcement by J.K. Rowling that the Hogwarts Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, is gay. She later added that Harry was actually black. / a Muslim. / a woman.

American Christians are outraged. Apparently he was not only gay, but also interested in magic!

“Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling has revealed that Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, is gay. Not only that, but Luna Lovegood is a trannie, Argus Felch has a ferret up his bot, and Neville Longbottom was originally called Neville Deeparse.

Of course, all this was going to come out anyway, in Harry Potter and the Pride March of Joy / and the Sweet Smell of Manlove / and the Tiny Pink Shorts / and the Tunnel of Pleasure / and the Gobful of Cock / and the Rainbow of Sequins / and the Lubricated Anus.

Now that Rowling’s finished writing the series, she’s finally dishing out the dirt! Let’s hoping she decides to rethink and write an eighth book, Harry Potter and the Headmaster’s Office. / and the Erotic Spanking. / and the Unusual Punishment. / and the Throbbing Headmaster. / and the Dark Passage.

It’s well-known that Dumbledore dies in the sixth book, but less well-known that his portrait in the Headmasters’ Office continues to goose the odd arse.

It would’ve been more obvious if Rowling had kept his original name of Duckiedore.

It turns out that those mysterious dark passages at Hogwart’s are not what they seemed to be.

Apparently Dumbledore died from a sexually-transmitted disease, known only as “Hogwarts”.

Dumbledore couldn’t help but be gay. When your main enemy’s face looks like a vagina, it does tend to turn you off girls.

Apparently Ron was also Hermoinesexual.

Not only are there gay characters in the Harry Potter series, but news has just come out that Aslan the Lion from Narnia is queer, and has a gay pride. Of lions.

The Tolkien books are also full of homosexual references. Frodo and Samwise were actually gay lovers, Gollum was always trying to mount Doom with his “precious”, and Gandalf was unusually interested in Sauron’s one true ring…

Dumbledore is believed to have had a number of lovers, including Merlin, Gandalf and Liberace.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

We’ve got a letter this week from an unemployed worm looking for a job for the next three years, and… hang on, sorry, we seem to have lost the feed for that announcement.

An announcement from the debate worm: apparently next year it’s going to be running for parliament!

Attendees at an ALP policy launch, do not be confused by what appears to be a life-size replica of John Howard. It’s just Kevin.

Footage of Kevin Rudd eating his own earwax in parliament has emerged on Youtube. Rudd has dismissed it, claiming he was just formulating his policy for wax deduction.

We’ve got an apology from the organisers of this year’s Aria Awards: there was a mix up, and as a result this year will see the first ever Sharia Awards. Rules are, if you don’t get an award, you get stoned to death. Which, for Nick Cave, is same as usual…

We’ve got a copy of the rider for the ARIA Awards: sixty thousand VBs, nine tonnes of cocaine and a bowl of fruit.

The ARIA Awards this year are going to be hosted by that notorious wild man of rock’n’roll, Ben Cousins.

In light of JK Rowling’s revelations, George Lucas has revealed that Darth Vader was also gay. Although that does kind of ruin the premise of the series.

In light of JK Rowling’s revelations, George Lucas has revealed that Luke Skywalker was also gay. Although that was kinda obvious.

An announcement from J K Rowling: Harry Potter isn’t gay, but his boyfriend is.

An announcement from England on losing the Rugby World Cup final – from now on they’ll do something productive with their lives instead of just trying to be good at something that is, at best, profoundly useless, and at worst, reprehensibly thuggish and pathetic.

We’ve got an official announcement from the investigation into the “fixing” of tennis matches: apparently there’s no problem after all, say the investigators from their new holiday homes in Barbados.

An official announcement: apparently Lleyton Hewitt’s tennis matches were never “fixed”, and neither was his attitude.

Allegations of tennis match fixing have been dismissed as rubbish by new Australian Open champion Guy Sebastian.

An announcement from Hillsong Ministries: they claim they’ve never had anything to do with rigging Australian Idol – they’re far too busy trying to rig the election.

Congratulations to Mel Gibson for becoming a grandfather – and happy birthday to little baby Adolf Auschwitz! / little baby Zyklon!

Britney Spears ran over a photographer’s foot as she was leaving a Beverley Hills medical building. We’d just like to announce that there’s nothing to worry about, Brit wasn’t sick – she was just having a routine paparazzi smear.

We’ve got a public apology from Britney Spears, who ran over a photographer’s foot as she was leaving a Beverley Hills medical building: she says she’s really sorry, but she was totally pissed, and that the photographer was momentarily obscured while she was snorting coke off the dashboard.

Britney Spears ran over a photographer’s foot as she was leaving a Beverley Hills medical building – he’s had to go to a pederazzi.

NEXT WEEK

Daylight saving begins in N.S.W., A.C.T., Vic., S.A. & W.A., while Queensland will commence daylight robbery.

Daylight saving begins tomorrow – and our current interest rates mean that, by the end of summer, we’ll have earned about three extra days!

To celebrate turning 21, the ARIA awards will be a drunken, debauched night of youth gone wild. For a change.

To celebrate turning 21, the ARIA awards will be held at a strip club.

Fromage Du Monde begins tomorrow in Sydney, Australia’s biggest day of cheese since the leadership debate…

Fromage Du Monde begins tomorrow in Sydney, Australia’s biggest day of cheese until the Idol finals…

Tomorrow’s Fromage Du Monde will be merde.

The World’s Greatest Pram Stroll will cause the World’s Most Annoyed Pedestrians.

The World’s Greatest Pram Stroll will be won by a woman with septuplets.

Tomorrow is the “World’s Greatest Pram Stroll”, part of, I kid you not, “Walktober”. Coincidentally, tomorrow is also “Secretly Follow A Mum and Her Pram Around”, as part of Stalktober.

Tomorrow is the World’s Greatest Pram Stroll, part of, I kid you not, “Walktober”. Coincidentally, tomorrow is also the World’s Greatest Shoeless Stroll, as part of Socktober, and the World’s Greatest Naked Man Stroll, as part of Cocktober.

Julia Roberts turns 40 – not such a pretty woman now, are ya love.

Julia Roberts turns 40. You can tell by counting the rings in her teeth.

Matilda Rose Ledger, daughter of Heath & Michelle Williams, turns 2. They’re giving her a Brokeback Mountain play-gym.

Monday marks 25 years since Lindy Chamberlain was jailed. It’s about time we caught that dingo.

Monday marks 25 years since Lindy Chamberlain was jailed! And finally it’s being made into a toe-tapping musical comedy – “A Dingo Stole the Show!”

Kylie launches her new fragrance, “Sweet Darling”. Hopefully it sells better than her previous scent, “Sour Nemesis”. / “Murray Darling”. / “Chemo Hurling”.

Kylie launches her new fragrance, “Sweet Darling”, which she felt was a better name than the original “Cancerous Mole”. / “I Should Be So Stinky”.

Tuesday is the deadline for political parties to lodge candidates’ names, so if you’re planning on running, better download that form tonight.

On Halloween, be very careful about who you answer your door to for trick-or-treat. They may be politicians.

On Wednesday it’s Halloween, the only night John Howard can walk around in his natural form and not scare the humans…

On Wednesday it’s Halloween, the night all the witches get together to cast evil spells, stir bubbling cauldrons and write cruel articles about the death of Steve Irwin…

“Queer Eye’s” Carson Kressley arrives in Melbourne with a shock announcement – apparently he’s gay!

Carson Kressley arrives in Melbourne for next week’s Cup – just as he has for the last four years. Hopefully “Queer Eye” will return soon and give him something else to do.

On Thursday, “My Steve”, the biography by Terri Irwin, will be released – apparently it’s got a real sting in the tail…

On Thursday, “My Steve”, the biography by Terri Irwin, will be released. Copies will be for sale in bookstores, newsagents, and on eRay…

On Thursday, Slash will release his autobiography, in which he details his copious drug use, his paranoid hallucinations, his fraternisations with porn stars, his collections of snakes, and his enormous armoury of weapons. Oh, and apparently he was also once in a band.

David Boon’s “Big Book Of Great Sporting Jokes” will be released on Thursday, featuring Shane Warne.

David Boon’s “Big Book Of Great Sporting Jokes” released; apparently the first one is “David Boon has written a book”.

On Thursday there are new books from Jana Wendt, Terri Irwin, Slash, Ricky Ponting and David Boon. And some authors too.

On Thursday it’s the Victorian Racing Club Chairman’s Dinner in Melbourne. Apparently, the Victorian Racing Club Chairman is delicious.

On Thursday, it’s the 11th “Sculpture By The Sea” in Bondi. It’s just like when we were kids – some kids make awesome sandcastles, while other bigger kids just like to stomp them back into the sea again. Now as adults, the sandcastles are called “sculptures”, and the bigger kids are called “art critics”.

Triple J launches Australian Music Month, and it’s about time: I’m so over Ugandan Music Month.

Triple J launches Australian Music Month – Rockvember! They should have thought more about that one, really.

Westpac release their yearly profit results, although if you want to read them you will be charged a fee.

Westpac release their yearly profit results, although there is a releasing fee, a results fee, and a yearly profit fee. Really, it’s best just not to know.

Red Hot Chilli Peppers’ Anthony Kiedis turns 45, or 90 in horse years.

Red Hot Chilli Peppers’ Anthony Kiedis turns 45, which makes him an old has-been junkie who can’t sing.

Red Hot Chilli Peppers’ Anthony Kiedis turns 45 – while his veins turn 80!

Jana Wendt’s new book released. It’s called “Jana’s a Yarner.” / “Jana Wendts her Spleen”.

Friday’s draw for the order of names on ballot papers will bring us the first results of the election – the winners of the donkey vote.

The Essential Woman lifestyle expo begins, teaching us that the pure essence of femininity is available for purchase in an easy instalment package.

The case between Mary Kostakidis and SBS in the Federal Court won’t be seen on SBS World News as there’s a cat up a tree in Bulgaria. / as there’s an important exclusive on the bouyancy of French womens’ breasts.

John Laws’ last radio broadcast will be brought to you by Valvoline, Telstra and the Broadcasting Standards Authority.

On Friday, it’ll be John Laws’ last radio broadcast. John Laws is an egotistical corrupt mouthpiece for pure evil – you know what I mean.

Perth will host the Red Bull Air Race. Although if Red Bull really does give you wings, I hope they aren’t allowing them to use planes.

Perth will host the Red Bull Air Race. The contestants have to fly using only the wings that you get from a can of the drink. Already three contestants have been scratched for using the banned substance Berocca, and bouncing their way to the finish line.

Perth will host the Red Bull Air Race. It’s like an air guitar – you just pretend you’re racing.

Young Wine Maker Of The Year awards will be followed by the Young Wine Drinker of the Year awards.

Next Saturday brings us the Young Wine Maker Of The Year awards, with the prize going to a Shiraz that is barely minutes old.

And next Saturday marks 50 years since Russia launched a dog into space – fetch THAT!

Next Saturday marks 50 years since Russia launched a dog into space. Oh no! Surely by now the Planet of the Spacedogs must be readying their return invasion!

Next Saturday marks 50 years since Russia launched a dog into space. Of course, the hardest part is picking up the turds in zero-gravity.

The Australian Furniture of the Year awards will this year be dominated by the banana lounge. / by a little pouf.

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