Good News Week

Sir Warnie (Good News Week 25/2/08: Giving headline)

British PM Gordon Brown hopes to revive Britain’s honours system to reward sports stars throughout the Commonwealth. Because nothing would restore the prestige of the knighthood more than giving one to Warnie.

Warnie has already put his hand up, claiming that he deserves to be a knight, since he’s already got such a well-polished lance.

Under the scheme, Warne would be awarded a knighthood “for services to cricket, hair replacement therapy and threesomes”.

Warnie would love to get knighted. He’s sent the Queen a saucy SMS asking for it.

When Warnie gets knighted, they’re planning on bringing out a new model Warnie doll that just says “Jesus Bloody Christ, I’m a Knight!”

Simone Warne says Shane should never be made a living knight, but has all the qualities to be a living knightmare.

Warnie is excited by the prospect of being a Knight, especially all the mead and buxom wenches. His one disappointment is that he’ll have to do all his texting by parchment.

A pending knighthood was the cause of the Warnes’ most recent breakup. Simone was furious to find messages on Shane’s phone from someone called “Queenie”. / “Lizzie”.

At least if Warnie is knighted, if there are any princesses or maidens that need rescuing, they can rely on him and his broadsword.

The trouble with knighting Warnie is, when there’s a fair maiden to be rescued from the Black Knight’s Tower of Doom, rather than battling for her freedom, he’ll just leave her up there and text her a dirty SMS.

We really ought to knight Warnie. The Evil Prince Victor wouldn’t stand a chance against his flipper.

Cricketers who become knights don’t get given the full suit of armour, just the helmet and a box.

I’m sure there’d be a lot less sniping on the cricket field if you could just run your opponent through with a broadsword.

Once the cricketers are knighted, they’re actually allowed to employ added techniques in their game: they can bowl with a catapult; they’re allowed to set their yorkers on fire; they can employ their serfs as extra fielders; if the umpire disagrees with them, they’re allowed to get them drawn and quartered / allowed to hang them in the gibbet; instead of running, they are carried in a sedan chair by their manservants; instead of shouting “howzat”, they solve any challenges by a rapier duel at dawn; instead of going out for a duck, they go out for a pheasant; and at the end of the match, the winner is required to marry the Princess of the Realm.

The ceremonies for the honorary cricket knighthoods are slightly different. The Queen uses a bat instead of a sword, and her crown has a perspex visor.

The trouble with knighting cricketers is that, when the inevitable happens and we need them to defend the realm from marauding dragons, they’ll be out playing with their googlies. And we’ll all be eaten. By the dragons.

Cricket fans have mixed feelings about the idea. “Ooh ah, Sir Glenn McGrath” doesn’t quite scan as well. / I mean, there’s just no flow to “Ooh aah, Sir Glenn McGrath”.

Many would argue that knighting people who just happen to be good at playing some game seems a bit over the top, and that maybe knighthoods should be reserved for people who actually have done something that matters, but these naysayers are just plain old unAustralian. I mean, unBritish. I mean… hang on, maybe they’ve got something after all.

After all the cricketers have been knighted, there is a plan to turn Aussie Rules players into Barons, and to make rugby players Viscounts of the Crown.

It’s really just part of a covert plan to gradually rebuild the British Empire… today they take our cricketers, tomorrow they submit us to sovereign rule!

Brown mentioned cricket as one of Britain’s national sport, but he also intends knighthoods for the stars of other sports: for instance croquet, fox hunting and rummy. / and Sally-Go-Round-The-Roses.

Maybe they can knight Thorpey as well. Although he’d probably just rather be Queen.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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