Guns don’t kill people, students kill people (Good News Week 3/3/08: What’s the Story?)

A group of students is lobbying to be allowed to carry guns to protect themselves against campus gunmen. Honestly, these people are stupid and must be killed. Hey, that gives me an idea…

They also believe everyone who doesn’t carry a weapon should be terminated. It’s for their own good.

Bush approves. It’s like a pre-emptive strike on unis! / And he also wants to bomb the crap out of all unis, just to be on the safe side.

The President himself has weighed into the debate, saying that no student should have to resort to using guns, when they could be using rocket-launchers. / when there are perfectly good clusterbombs.

Bush believes universities should remain unarmed. After all, it’s them pinko lefties that refused to vote for him last time. / it’s them educated folks who say torture is bad. / it’s them educated folks who said invadin’ Iraq was a bad idea.

An internet lobby group, Students for Concealed Carry on Campus, wants politicians to overrule the university board’s ban on guns. And if the boards refuse, they’ll just shoot them. / And if the boards refuse to comply, to shoot them.

An internet lobby group, Students for Concealed Carry on Campus, wants politicians to overrule the university board’s ban on guns. And, if possible, introduce landmines.

They’re not the only lobby-group concerned – the Armed Crazies Guild is also really mad, and the Kill Everyone Death Squad Militia is up in arms.

As a result of the plan to keep universities weapon-free, some students are up in arms.

But this puts campus massacres into a whole new light. Not only were the killers responsible for dozens of bloody deaths, they were also breaking university policy! Outrageous!

I can’t believe the students are carrying guns when there’s a strict no-guns policy. Next they’ll be defacing text-books!

Hang on, I don’t get it. If guns are banned, how did the shootings occur in the first place? Sounds like someone’s not obeying the rules.

Who needs the rules changed? Just take your gun anyway, and dare them to take it off you.

Just take your gun anyway. It’s what the killers do.

They want more guns at schools so people can defend themselves. But doesn’t defending yourself with a gun mean – shock horror – more shootings? Do you think these kids are going to be fighting off a crazed gun maniac by pistol-whipping them? THEY’LL BE SHOOTING THEM!!!!

Guns should be compulsory in schools. Instead of complicated exams at the end of the year, it’s simple: last one standing gets an A. / the A.

If everyone had guns, school shootings might one day replace rounders. I hated that game, it’s like baseball for dwarves. / dwarfs.

Instead of gun-free-zones, wouldn’t it be better if they had idiot-free-zones? (Maybe they could start with the White House.)

These gun-free zones are clearly not working. They need to have them surrounded by armed guards.

Why do they need guns in school? What’s wrong with the old Chinese Burn? Let me tell you, it takes a lot more effort to pull off a Chinese Burn massacre.

Why do they need guns in school? What’s wrong with the old fashioned Wedgie? It takes a lot more effort to pull off a Wedgie massacre – though let me tell you, it’s not pretty when it happens.

A South Dakota state politician has vowed to introduce a bill permitting guns on campus. After all, if they’re old enough to vote, they’re old enough to get pissed, break up with their girlfriend and shoot up the pub.

A South Dakota state politician has vowed to introduce a bill permitting guns on campus. After all, if they’re old enough to kill Iraqis, they’re old enough to kill good decent honest Americans. / “They’re old enough to kill Iraqis – what, they’re too good to kill their own?”

A South Dakota State Politician says that if people are “mature and responsible enough to vote”, they should be allowed guns. But they voted in Dubya Bush, proving once and for all, we don’t want them anywhere near guns.

Politician Tom Brunner says guns should be allowed on campus. Students shouldn’t be left “disarmed and defenceless” at college. Especially if he gets his way.

Lecturers are said to be considering increasing their pass rates to 100%.

Lecturers will give out more A’s, and, if the law comes in, more AK’s.

Of course with exams, puberty, relationship issues, students are one of the more high-risk groups for suicide. This law will just allow them to express it more openly.

American students should carry deadly weaponry around. It’s the best training for when they’re sent off to Iraq. / for when the White House re-introduces conscription.

The university has decided it will allow guns, but not ammunition.

The university has decided it will allow guns, but refuses to allow massacres. / massacres, sniping or assassinations. / mass-murder. / bounty hunting. / snuff movies.

The university has decided to allow guns – but only for the teachers.

The university has decided to allow guns. Not only do they spice up the Scavenger Hunt, but they add a real zing to Assassination Day.

It’s certainly going to make exams a lot easier to complete at the College of Crazed Psychopathy.

The group, Students for Concealed Carry on Campus, turned out to be a 60s film starring Kenneth Williams.

Students for Concealed Carry on Campus are convinced that there’s no harm in concealing 60s British sex comedies. Ooh matron!

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