Alcohol ads are bad mmkay? (Good News Week 3/3/08: monologue)

Alcohol ads should be banned before 9pm, says Family First Senator Steve Fielding. Of course, he was very drunk at the time…

Family First senator Steve Fielding wants to ban alcohol advertising on TV before 9pm. What, even on weekends? Senator, that’s unAustralian!

Family First senator Steve Fielding wants to ban daytime alcohol ads, sex on a Sunday, and out-of-church laughter.

Fielding also wants to place a ban on those ice ads. Well, it was what made him want to try some.

Fielding also wants there to be no West Coast Eagles on screen until after 11.

The move could slash millions of dollars in revenue from sports advertising. And the talking Boonie doll will have to have to switch to Fanta.

All this talking about the so-called “persuasive” effects of alcohol advertising is making me thirsty.

An expert on alcohol marketing said companies were using “animals, cartoons, humour and slapstick to appeal to kids”. Because grown-ups hate humour.

An expert on alcohol marketing said companies were using “animals, cartoons, humour and slapstick to appeal to kids”. It’s especially obvious in the “Humphrey Gets Pissed” show. / in the “Drunken Bear Falls Over” show.

An expert on alcohol marketing said it would be a first step, but was not sufficient. In fact they can leave the ads on so long as they slap a ban on drinking.

An expert on alcohol marketing said it would be a first step, but was not sufficient. She wants alcohol ads banned from live sporting events. But… that would mean the scoreboard would have to show the… scores!

An expert on alcohol marketing said companies were using “animals, cartoons, humour and slapstick to appeal to kids”. It’s appalling. Apparently once they finished filming, that baby Warnie went straight for his Dad’s VB.

That Bundy bear is definitely appealing to kids, like a big cuddly daddy. Under new guidelines he’ll only be allowed to be retained if he slurs his speech, crashes his car and beats up his wife.

It’s a great idea. Because, once there’s no advertising, the alcohol problem will just disappear, just like it did when we stopped advertising heroin and ice.

But they will never be able to ban alcohol itself, as without it, no-one would ever pull any chicks, and our species would die out.

People who like drinking, on the other hand, suggest that there should be a ban on Family First Senator Steve Fielding.

Fielding also wants warnings on alcohol, similar to the warnings we have on cigarettes. “Does not actually make you less of an ugly twat”, “Does not increase the profundity of your meaningless drivel”, “Vomiting all over yourself is actually pretty gross”, “Drunk or not, you’re still a fuckin tosser”.

Fielding also wants to put health warnings on alcohol, for instance “Alcohol makes others appear attractive”, “Alcohol makes you spew” and “THERE’S NO NEED TO SHOUT!”

Fielding also wants to put health warnings on bottles of booze: “Alcohol lets in the sin!”

Fielding says the stats on binge drinking are horrifying. Percentages that make the blood curdle. And check out this graph… if you dare… / Look away – it’s a pie chart!

Alcohol is a factor in a fifth of road deaths. But, he says, the greater culprit by far is cars – which he also wants to ban.

Alcohol is a factor in a fifth of road deaths. But what about banning car ads? Apparently cars are involved in FIVE fifths of road deaths.

Cars are involved in nearly 100% of road deaths – although there was that one guy who died repeatedly head-butting a fire-hydrant.

Cars are involved in nearly 100% of road deaths – although there was that one guy who died when a speed-hump fell on him. Freak accident.

Alcohol is responsible for 40 percent of police work – they just can’t do it unless they’re pissed.

Alcohol is responsible for 40 percent of police work – and for the other 60 percent, they’re stoned. / coked to the gills.

Alcohol is to blame for 40 percent of police work, 70 percent of the road toll, and 100 percent of drunkenness. / and 100 percent of Mel Gibson.

Alcohol is responsible for 40% of police work, with the other 60% being done by police officers.

Alcohol is responsible for 40% of police work, with the other 60% being done sober.

I’m surprised a religious man like Fielding would want to take away ads for alcohol. What about Jesus? He was such a pisspot, his blood-alcohol level was similar to wine!

And you’re telling me you’d let yourself be nailed to a cross if you weren’t pissed?

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