Pig Party Poopers (Good News Week 10/3/08: Upcut)

Victorian police want to issue permits for all under-age parties. They never get to hang out with the cool kids.

Victorian police want to issue permits for all under-age parties. They wanna know where all the hot school-girls hang out. / They wanna know where they can palm off a few grams of leaf as top quality bud.

Gee, a party with an official permit from the cops. Sounds cool.

It’s called the Police Party-Pooping Permit or PPPP.

Because Blue-Light Discos aren’t as popular as they used to be. / Because the Police Marching Band just doesn’t pull the kids like it used to. / Because the Police Marching Band playing “The Theme From Greatest American Hero” just doesn’t pull the kids like it used to.

Cops want to introduce fines to crack down on Corey-style teenage parties. Because the thought of their poor innocent parents being punished will just stop teenagers in their tracks. / Because teenagers just hate the thought of their parents being fined for something they didn’t do. / Because the last people teenagers want to hurt are their parents.

Corey said fining parents was a good idea, and is there any chance you can chuck ‘em in jail too?

They want to introduce on-the-spot fines, enforced adult supervision, alcohol consent forms for underage guests, and a designated guest list. Exactly how this would have made any difference to the party Corey Worthington held while his parents were away, police couldn’t say.

Inspector Bill Mathers believes that parties should require a permit, and that people should need to apply in writing if they’d like to laugh. / and that spontaneous fun should be banned outright.

All fun should be pre-approved, and anyone laughing out of designated times will be arrested.

Inspector Bill Mathers believes that parties should require a permit – but in a free and democratic way, not in a 1984 totalitarian dictatorship way.

They want mandated levels of parental supervision, with parents to be issued with on the spot fines. Particularly if they’re not actually on the spot.

A Police spokesman said that “We want to introduce on-the-spot fines, enforced adult supervision, alcohol consent forms for underage guests, and a designated guest list. And if the parents are away… ah shit.”

Police are also looking into “grounding” being an enforceable sentence.

The fines will be directly deducted from pocket money payments.

A police spokesman said the permits would be allowed if there was appropriate adult supervision, a designated guest list, permission from guests’ parents for alcohol, and a mandated level of fun.

A police spokesman said anyone engaged in lewd games could spin their bottle down at the station.

Sure, it may not be “groovy”, but it may just save the life of some “hepcat”, “daddy’o”.

Parents will be fined by police if they don’t get a permit for their kids to have parties, but will get abandoned by their kids if they do.

But fining the teenagers with their parent’s money isn’t any deterrent – you need to fine them in ringtones. / fine them in hair-gel.

Police procedurals will also need to be followed for any games of Murder in the Dark.

Police are following leads connected to partygoers playing a certain “Murder in the Dark”, and they’re very interested in receiving any information about a so-called “Poison Ball”.

Police are also cracking down on any drinks containing ice.

You’ll also have to apply for a license for all bongs.

They’re asking for official parental permission when parties serve alcohol to under-age partygoers. Does this apply to parents who are still underage?

They’re asking for official parental permission when parties serve alcohol to under-age partygoers. Now, when you go to your mate’s place for a piss-up, you’ll need to bring ID.

Not only can you serve alcohol to guests who are under the legal alcohol-drinking age if you have a note from their parents, but teenagers are allowed to rob and murder too – IF they have written parental consent.

Not only can you serve alcohol to guests who are under the legal alcohol-drinking age if you have a note from their parents, but, if they have written parental consent, they can legally kill you and set fire to your house. / kill you and sell your remains on eBay. / kill you and make your skin into a hoodie. Strange but true.

So you can serve alcohol to guests who are under the legal alcohol-drinking age if you have a note from their parents. But, if you can legally serve under-18’s alcohol, then why is the legal drinking age 18? Huh?

Don’t you think the best way of preventing kids from wanting to be like Corey might be to STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM?

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