Hyper-Mugabe (Good News Week 10/3/08: Upcut)

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe celebrated his 84th birthday at a huge election rally. The bash cost three trillion Zimbabwe dollars, the equivalent of almost $300,000 Aussie dollars when the deal was struck. Although (check watch) now it’s worth about fiddy cents.

With his country suffering 100,000 percent inflation, Robert Mugabe has spent three trillion Zimbabwe dollars on a birthday party to boost his prospects before an election. That multi-trillion dollar spend is sure to put the brakes on inflation!

Zimbabwe’s official inflation figures are now at over 100,000 percent. Must be the bloody unions.

Mugabe’s solution is to just print more money. Or at least write “money” on a piece of paper. If he can find some.

Mugabe say the hyperinflation isn’t his fault, but the fault of exploitative business who are part of a Western plot to destabilise his country. But if it was a Western plot, he’d have a ten-gallon hat and be riding a horse. / But if it was a Western plot, it wouldn’t be exploitative businesses, it’d be injuns.

Mugabe say the hyperinflation isn’t his fault, but the fault of exploitative business who are part of a Western plot to destabilise his country. The businesses deny that they part of any sort of conspiracy, that they’re not really working for the CIA, and can you please talk into this coffee pot, no, it’s not a microphone, it’s just an ordinary coffee pot.

Cigarettes are 18 bucks each! They’re so poor they can’t even afford to kill themselves smoking.

Cigarettes are 18 bucks each! Luckily, people in Zimbabwe can just breathe in the rich, smooth smoke from burning farmhouses. / the smouldering embers of their ruined country.

For Mugabe and his cronies, the hyperinflation is working out brilliantly. While the US dollar is worth over 10 million Zimbabwe dollars, party members are able to buy them for just 30,000. Being a tyrannic despot has its advantages.

So he can sell a cigarette and use it to buy 300 cigarettes! No wonder cigarettes are so expensive – he must be buying them all!

The upside is it’s a far more compelling reason to quit.

Cigarettes cost 18 bucks, so it’s just cheaper to smoke the money.

In Harare, when someone says they’d murder for a cigarette, they may not just be blowing smoke… / it may not be a metaphor. / it is actually the cheaper option.

Inflation in Zimbabwe is so bad that a single cigarette costs $500,000 Zimbabwe dollars. (check watch) Make that a million.

Inflation in Zimbabwe is so bad that a single cigarette costs $500,000 Zimbabwe dollars – so if lung cancer doesn’t getcha, extreme poverty will.

Inflation in Zimbabwe is so bad that a single cigarette costs $500,000 Zimbabwe dollars – although, for 1000 bucks, you can have someone blow smoke at you. / although, for 1000 bucks, you can be ashed on. / although, for 1000 bucks, you can suck on old filters.

Inflation in Zimbabwe is so bad that a single cigarette costs $500,000 Zimbabwe dollars. Passive smoking has never been more worthwhile! / People are now opening up second-hand smoke shops. / They’re trying to enforce smoking inside restaurants and bars, so everyone gets a bit.

Inflation in Zimbabwe is so bad that a single cigarette costs $500,000 Zimbabwe dollars. Two cigarettes and you’re a millionaire!

I don’t know how they can complain about poverty in Zimbabwe when virtually everyone is a millionaire.

Sounds like a great country. I could move there and be a Zimbabwean zillionaire! Well, trillionaire anyway. That’ll do me.

Mugabe laughingly hit out at the U.S. and Britain. Now that he’s so old, he may as well destroy his country altogether!

“Come on, Yankee, Pommy bastard: Bomb us!” laughed Mugabe. “See if you can kill even more Zimbabweans than me!” He’s such a funny little genocidal maniac.

Mugabe laughingly hit out at the U.S. and Britain, pretty much daring them to bomb him. Because, now he’s ruined his own country, there’s nothing more they can do.

A few years ago they revalued the Zimbabwean dollar by knocking three zeroes off. That worked well.

A few years ago they revalued the Zimbabwean dollar by knocking three zeroes off. Turned out to be a big mistake, as the trillionaires desperately wanted to be zillionaires.

With elections next month, Mugabe is spending hugely. But when it comes to winning elections, you can’t spend too many trillions.

Zimbabwe is like a best of Germany between the wars. It’s got all the hyperinflation of the Weimar Republic along with the Nazis’ brutal repression and little moustache!

Mugabe’s got his wannabe Hitler thing all wrong. The hyperinflation was dealt with by the time the Nazis came along. Still, at least the moustache is right.

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