Sexy housework (Good News Week 17/3/08: Blow up your pants)

Men are doing more housework, and are getting laid more often. Which, of course, is the only reason they’re doing the housework. / Proving men will do anything for a shag.

It’s certainly more productive than buying stupid roses.

This way, men get a root and the dishes get done.

Therapists say there is a “direct correlation” between household chores and sex. Because there’s nothing hotter than a man slowly and provocatively unstacking the dishwasher. / Nothing gets a girl hotter than a man seductively scrubbing stains out of the carpet. / getting on his knees to scrub the grouting.

Men are doing more housework, and may be getting more sex as a result. Particularly on top of the washing machine. / in the laundry.

Chicks love a man who can mop.

So just remember fellers, when you’re mopping the floor, the tiles aren’t the only things getting wet. / when you’re washing the dishes, the dinner plates aren’t the only things getting hot and sudsy.

Therapists say there is a “direct correlation” between household chores and sex. In fact, many men now find themselves having sex halfway through unstacking the dishes.

Now when a man’s taking off his clothes, it’s to separate them into whites and colours. / to give them a good scrubbing.

Women love a man giving them a good scrub on the kitchen table.

Women especially love it when men offer to scrub their carpet.

Of course, it’s best when they do the housework dressed in those skimpy French maid’s outfits. / It’s weird – for some reason, men don’t get as much sex if they do the housework dressed in those skimpy French maid’s outfits.

It’s interesting – while women get turned on by men acting like a maid, men get turned on by women dressing as a maid.

Women get turned on by having a man doing household chores, while men get turned on by pretty much anything that moves. / while men get turned on by anything with the right-sized hole.

Women want to feel the equality of work-distribution, and men want to feel titties.

Men now spend half their time scrubbing out sheet-stains, and the other half makin’ em.

It’s a bit of a vicious circle – the more sex that couples have, the more housework there is to do. / cleaning up there is.

I know I certainly get hot at the thought of someone taking out the rubbish. / unblocking the sink. / scrubbing congealed fat off a saucepan. / separating the washing into colours and whites.

There’s nothing sexier than someone coming at you with their dishpan hands.

In fact, many men now often refer to the sex act as “doing a load of whites”.

Turns out that it’s not the men doing the housework that turns on these ladies – it’s that sexy mop. / it’s the suds. / it’s the fumes from the carpet-cleaner. / it’s the spin-cycle. / it’s the vibrations from the spin-cycle. / it’s the rubber gloves.

Turns out that it’s not the men doing the housework that turns on these ladies – it just gives them a chance to download some porn. / it just gives them a chance to duck round and fuck the neighbour.

And while men are doing far more around the house, women are doing a lot more watching sport with a beer on the couch.

And while men are doing more washing and cleaning, women are growing more chest hair.

Now guys are spending a lot of time downloading hot washing-up vids.

Men doing more housework are thought to be rewarded with more sex from their wives. And if not, at least they’ve got the vacuum cleaner.

Of course if a man’s doing the washing, dishes, vacuuming and dusting, a woman should be expected to put out. The bins.

A study by American sociologists has found a woman’s happiness is related to the amount of housework that their men do. Professor Scott Coltrane said he thought this would probably lead to an increase in sex, but couldn’t say for sure, as “We sociologists generally don’t go there”. They can’t be bothered with all the housework. / “We’re total dweebs!” / “Wahey! Glaiven.” / Anyone else imagine this guy laughing like Professor Frink from The Simpsons?

American men are now doing twice as much housework as they used to. Especially the ones who are unemployed due to the recession.

Another study shows that Italian and Spanish men are also doing more housework. Now they’re definitely doing it for the sex.

Men are not only doing more housework, they spend three times more time with their children than in 1960. Mostly doing their work.

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