The Loser Party (Good News Week 17/3/08: Bites)

Opposition Leader Brendan Nelson said he’d work towards the merger of the Liberal and National parties into a single conservative entity, to be known as The Losers.

They want to form one party, as having the combined votes of 2 parties and still losing so resoundingly is just really embarrassing.

They want to form one party. Clearly, they’ve both just run out of ideas. / I mean, you gotta do something, eh.

They could call themselves “The Coalition” and see if anyone notices that they have merged.

Well there you go. I always thought they were the same party.

This way, they can drag each other down properly.

The Nationals have been clamouring for this for decades. It’s the only possible way any of them will ever get a shot at being PM.

Dr Nelson said a merger was “eminent good sense”. That way, each election you only have to lose once.

It’s the best time for Nelson to suggest such a controversial move. After all, it’s not like things can get worse. / After all, it’s not like it can hurt his popularity rating. (He hasn’t got one.)

Nelson figures if he abolishes his party he’s got an excuse for his approval rating.

Well done Brendan, that’s the way to show that your party is relevant and stands for something – abolish it. / your party is still strong – kill it.

This is Nelson pretty much saying to the Liberal Party “If I’ve gotta go, you’re all coming with me!”

It’s his party, and he’ll merge if he wants to. (Merge if he wants to, merge if he wants to. It’s his party, and he’ll merge if he wants to. You would merge too if it happened to you.)

Turns out Brendan is really a Labor secret agent, infiltrating the Liberals to destroy them from within.

The move does have the potential to piss off supporters of both parties; Liberal supporters who don’t want to be seen as country hicks, and Nationals supporters who don’t want to be seen with Brendan Nelson.

The move does have the potential to piss off supporters of both parties; Liberal supporters who don’t want to be seen as redneck hicks, and Nationals supporters who don’t want to be seen as chardonnay-sipping elitists. Coz nothing hurts more than the truth.

Dr Nelson once boasted “I’ve never voted Liberal in my life!” And if he gets his way, he’ll never have to again.

Nationals Leader Warren Truss said he might support a merger. After all, no-one knows who he is, but he’s still more likely to be chosen as leader than Brendan.

Queensland Nationals leader Lawrence Springborg said the parties should abandon nostalgia for past heroes like Robert Menzies and Joh Bjelke-Petersen, and treat them more as failures like John Howard.

Nationals senator Barnaby Joyce said the conservative merger would have to be not a takeover, but a new party with a new name. The only problem is, that doesn’t sound very conservative.

The new party will be called the Natty Libs.

If they change the name, maybe we can finally retire all that “large-L Liberal” crap.

A name change would be a good idea, particularly since the Liberal Party are actually the opposite of liberals, and the National Party only gets votes in Queensland.

But the ALP does need a credible opponent, otherwise governments across the nation will turn out like the one in New South Wales. And the one in Victoria. Oh, and Tassie. WA. …Kevin’s really just acting nice because he’s new, isn’t he?

The Prime Minister showed that it emphasised that the Liberals and Nationals no longer knew what they stood for. Not that it would make a difference, they’re NOT IN POWER.

The Prime Minister showed that it emphasised that the Liberals and Nationals no longer knew what they stood for, which isn’t true. They know they stood for parliament.

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