Flash Gordon Brown (Good News Week 16/6/08: The Usual Suspects)

Embattled British PM Grodon Brown is being remade as a Marvel comic book hero! Look up in the sky? Is it a lame duck? Is it a plain old politician? No, it’s SoonToBeSackedMan!

With a name like Gordon Brown, excitement is sure to be just around the corner! / how could he not be a superhero?

Nothing says “exciting interstellar adventures” like the name “Gordon Brown”.

Yes, Gordon Brown! Faster than a speeding bullet – down in the polls! Less popular than a locomotive! Able to alienate Labour voters in a single bound! / Able to alienate the Labour heartland in a single bound! / Able to buy a minimum chips with a single pound!

Mild-mannered Gordon Brown pops into a phone box and turns into – mild-mannered Gordon Brown on the phone!

It’s a bold move by Marvel. Having Gordon Brown as a character will be sure to dampen sales.

And with Brown’s Labour Party currently running third in polling, it could be a matter of months before it’s a charming piece of irrelevancy.

The real-life Gordon got to choose his own supername for the comic, and, wanting something that suggested dashing super-speed, chose “The Brown Streak”. He says the writers loved it.

Gordon Brown’s superpowers include being able to remain totally unidentifiable, blend into the background, and hypnotise his enemies into forgetting that he even exists. Gordon who?

Gordon Brown’s superpowers include being able to manipulate the minds of comic-book writers in a desperate attempt to boost his popularity ratings.

Gordon Brown and his allies are fighting evil shape-shifting aliens, so it was bound to end up being documented in a comic.

In the comic, Brown’s cabinet has been infiltrated by evil, green-skinned aliens known as the Skrulls. With the help of a band of superheroes, Brown uncovers the aliens, only to find that they’re still more popular than he is.

Gordon Brown battling evil, green-skinned aliens? How preposterous – he IS one of the aliens!

Of course, the idea of murderous creatures disguised as law-abiding Britons is pure fantasy. Now, back to the war on terror…

Brown’s poll results have taken a battering since he weirdly abolished the lowest British tax rate, resulting in traditional Labour voters suddenly having their tax bill doubled. But now it’s clear why – the aliens in Cabinet made him do it!

Saving the world, even in a comic book, is sure to boost Brown’s popularity a little. Plus he can blame any unpopular decisions on the alien Cabinet ministers.

The comic book PM is directly in charge of MI13, a fictional intelligence agency that fights off demonic, green-skinned aliens. The aliens aren’t fictional, they’re just Conservatives. / Tories.

The comic book PM is directly in charge of MI13, a fictional intelligence agency that fights off vicious Earth-hating aliens with blue-blood, known as “the Tories”.

In the comic, Brown battles a race of evil, green-skinned aliens known as the Skrulls. Because “the Tories” was already taken. / aliens known only as the Conservative Party.

In the comic, Brown is in charge of a bunch of heroes including Captain Britain, Captain Midlands and Union Jack. Unfortunately no PollBoosterMan though.

In the comic, Gordon Brown is the heroic British twin to the evil French mastermind Gordon Bleu.

Other superheroes mentioned in the comic are Union Jack, Captain Midlands, and the Iron Lady. / the Guv’nor. / The Tuppence Ape’ny Ow’s Yer Father.

Other British PMs also feature in the comic, including the surprisingly warlike Blairman, the fearsome Iron Lady and John Major, whose secret identity is the same as his mild-mannered identity.

As well as Gordon Brown, the comic features superheroes Union Jack and Captain Midlands, as well as the mysterious Anorak Man, who, whenever it begins to look like rain, pops on his anorak. / becomes nearly entirely water-resistant.

Turning to a band of superheroes to help his government. Nope, that doesn’t sound desperate at all.

Though Gordon Brown’s popularity is now so low that even the superheroes are thinking it’s a bit of a toughie.

Defending your planet against shapeshifting green aliens is one thing, but raising your popularity figures is another.

Of course, Gordon Brown isn’t really the comic-reading type. He’s usually too high on crystal meth. / Reading’s for losers. / He’s too busy playing on his Xbox. / It’s hard to read while you’re flipping stunt-bikes.

Of course, Gordon Brown isn’t really the comic-reading type. But he’s greatly looking forward to the stage-adaptation by Andrew Lloyd Webber.

In the new edition, Brown has to battle an alien plan to further attack his popularity, and turns in desperation to his downunder counterpart, an inexplicably popular hero known only as Mr Sheen.

Now Rudd’s being featured in a comic, fighting evil aliens by organising a committee and taxing their premixed drinks. Go Captain Vovo!

Perhaps Brendan Nelson could boost his popularity by appearing in a comic. Maybe he could call himself “Captain Rudd”!

The writers plan to continue the series with “The Adventures of QueenMan and his Radioactive Corgis”, in an effort to boost the popularity of that out-dated old tart.

John Howard has also been in a comicbook, where he fights aliens – although the aliens weren’t of the intergalactic variety, and the comic was called Hansard.

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