Bored (shorts) of budgie smuggling (Good News Week 20/10/08: monologue)

Queensland’s Surf Life Saving association is offering an alternative to budgie smugglers in boardshorts, in order to keep young people in the sport. They’re also emphasising that it’s a sport, rather than boring old saving lives.

Lifesavers not wearing budgie smugglers? It’s unAustralian!

But now how will we know they’re lifesavers? If they’re wearing board shorts, they’re just going to look like the brats that are trying to drown me!

They’re also thinking of replacing their snug-fitting lifesaver caps with baggy square headshorts. / with much roomier cowboy hats.

They’re also swapping their lifesaver caps for rectangular hats with tubular earholes. Now that’s cool.

After all, the last thing you want when you’re being saved from drowning is for the lifesaver to spend the whole time tugging at his wedgie.

Of course boardshorts aren’t quite as aerodynamic as speedos, but the occasional drowning is worth it to feel less daggy.

Of course boardshorts aren’t quite as aerodynamic as speedos, but then saving lives is so last season.

Unfortunately it’s turned out that it’s not the speedos that are daggy, it’s the surf lifesavers.

And if lifesavers still feel too exposed in boardshorts, there’s a natty neck-to-knee design that’s just spiffing.

The extra room means boardshorts are definitely cooler than speedos. But for a really cool beachside look, you can’t beat a burkha.

Of course, the real reason lifesavers want boardshorts instead of Speedos is to conceal shrinkage. The ocean’s very very cold, you see.

There’s been considerable resistance to swapping speedos for boardshorts, both from older members of the lifesaving clubs and from perverts. / and the gay community.

The original designer of the budgie-smuggler, a 70 year old gay man who lives in Sydney, said it was about time the swimming costumes were updated, and that he’d never been happy with the final version. They were meant to be transparent.

Well. Who woulda thought that those skimpy swimming togs were designed by a gay man?

Although it does make sense of the annual Lifesaving Pride March.

Apparently the skin-tight swimmers are a little bit “too gay” for most lifesavers. They’re being replaced by more heterosexual sparkly gold g-strings.

With budgie smugglers leaving little to the imagination, many kids have avoided becoming lifesavers – except for the really well-hung ones. And then the speedos can have difficulty keeping it all in.

And for poorly hung men, you could only really wear budgie-smugglers if you actually stuffed the front with real budgies.

It’s really for everyone’s benefit, especially the budgies. I mean there’s not a lot of room in there, especially when you consider the penis and scrotum.

The poor budgies! Being smuggled in speedos, there’s hardly any room for your pecker.

Apparently some lifesavers have been using their budgie-smugglers to smuggle in their genitals too.

You now have the option of wearing speedos or boardshorts, also known as “budgie-declared-at-customs-and-left-in-quarantiners”. / “legitimate budgie transporters”.

It’s about time they replaced budgie-smugglers. It’s so cruel to the birds, especially when the lifesavers dive.

It’s about time they replaced budgiesmugglers. It’s uncomfortable for the lifesavers, being crammed into those tiny undies, but it’s even worse for the budgies.

But if lifesavers are dropping budgie smugglers, who’s going to smuggle them now? Won’t anyone think of the budgies?

And best of all, the roomier boardshorts mean you can actually smuggle more budgies than ever before!

The trouble with budgie-smugglers, apparently, is that they’re just much too small to fit many budgies in. If you’re a dedicated black-market purveyor of birdlife, the only way to do it properly in speedos is to actually shove them up your date. Which drastically lowers the quality of the plumage. So these boardshorts are a real godsend. I’ll shut up now.

If the shorts are big enough, lifesavers can use them to help carry people to shore. / lifesavers can use them as a sail to help them get to people faster! Of course, for that to really work, they need to also be wearing special kayak clogs.

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