Parliament’s Prayer (Good News Week 17/11/08: monologue)

Kevin Rudd and Malcolm Turnbull have both rejected calls to change or abandon the recitation of the Lord’s Prayer at the beginning of each day of Parliament. The Lord was unavailable for comment.

Kevin Rudd and Malcolm Turnbull have both rejected calls to abandon the Lord’s Prayer at the beginning of each day of Parliament. Because, if there’s one place that needs blessing, it’s Parliament. / Because it’s needed to balance up the rest of the day’s profanity, blasphemy, and childish name-calling.

There’ll always be prayers before Parliament. They’re all praying their little dirty secrets never get out.

Well if you were in Parliament you’d also want to petition the Lord daily to forgive your sins.

There was a suggestion the Lord’s Prayer be replaced by an acknowledgment of the traditional owners of the land at the daily opening of parliament, but the suggestion was swiftly turned down – after all, the indigenous people may have been here for 40,000 years, but the reciting the Lord Prayer in Parliament goes all the way back to the 1900s!

Speaker of the House of Representatives, Harry Jenkins, said the prayer was the most controversial aspect of parliamentary procedures. Other than the bullying, the corruption, and the cocaine-fuelled orgies. / and the secret sacrificial blood orgies.

Immigration Minister Chris Evans said that the indigenous owners of the land were already acknowledged at the opening of parliament for the year, and that once a year should be plenty for the pushy black blighters. “They’re all off sniffing petrol anyway” he said.

Senator Evans also said that he didn’t think it was uncomfortable for MPs who were not Christians to have to recite the prayer at the beginning of each sitting day. Like it’s not uncomfortable for Christians to say “Hail Satan!” three times and sacrifice a goat.

One alternative to the morning prayer is to dress up in robes, sacrifice a virgin child and dance around shrieking “Mammon! Lucifer! Moloch!” But politicians have dismissed the idea, saying it would be a dead giveaway.

Drop The Lord’s Prayer from Parliament? Next they’ll be saying they should stop writing Hansard on papyrus!

But praying is what being a politician is all about – preying on single mums, immigrants, indigenous people, the youth, the elderly, the homeless… / preying on the electorate’s fears, and using it to win power.

Politicians want to keep the prayer. They know it’s our only hope to make it through the coming Dark Age.

Politicians want to keep the prayer. Because if we actually make it through the coming Depression, Oil Wars and Global Warming, it’ll take a miracle. / because it’s certainly going to take a miracle to avoid recession.

The Lord’s Prayer: 2000 years old, and still just as relevant today.

One of the options was to replace the Lord’s Prayer with an ancient Aboriginal Welcome to Country. It was the only thing they could find that was less contemporary.

Greens leader Bob Brown described the Lord’s Prayer as “old-fashioned”. But only compared to, say, the Roman Empire. / the Crusades.

Greens leader Bob Brown said a period of reflection would be a better option, where people could choose to pray privately, or alternatively self-flagellate.

Greens leader Bob Brown suggested instead there should be a period of reflection, but that idea was rejected, as it may result in politicians thinking before they speak.

Bob Brown suggested that the Parliamentary day commence instead with a period of reflection, but the plan was rejected when it was realised that that’s basically what most Parliamentarians do for the rest of the day.

Bob Brown suggested that the Parliamentary day commence instead with a period of reflection, before he realised that he was talking about Australian parliament, and that that was about as likely as asking them to be respectful, tactful, or to act like grown adults. / or to not act like shit-slinging gibbons.

The call to remove the Lord’s Prayer from Parliament has had an angry response from Christian groups, though Christ himself was said to be unfazed. / has still to get back to them.

The call to remove the Lord’s Prayer from Parliament has had an angry response from Christian groups, though the Pope has responded immediately with “The Austrians can do whatever they like.”

Christian groups were angered by the suggestion. And being a democracy, whatever Christian lobby groups say goes.

The call for debate on the issue came from House of Representatives Speaker Harry Jenkins and The Greens. And they are all going to Hell.

The call for debate on the issue came from House of Representatives Speaker Harry Jenkins and The Greens. Rudd and Turnbull have suggested praying for them as well – they’re gunna need it.

But parliamentarians would be better served by a much simpler prayer: “Dear Lord, please increase my majority, Amen.” / “Dear Lord, please make the other guys stuff up today, Amen.”

It’s all very well to recite the Lord’s Prayer, but they still arrest you if you’re one of the daily trespassers…

Kevin Rudd and Malcolm Turnbull have not only rejected calls to lose the Lord’s Prayer in Parliament, they’d like to add a reading of Psalm 23. They really love that whole “valley of the shadow of death” bit. Spooooky. / They like how it refers to Canberra – “the Valley of the shadow of death”.

Rudd said he’d only accept minor modifications to the prayer:
Our leader,
Who art called Kevin,
Vovo be thy snack,
Thy election come
Thy is being done
On Earth, or at least in Australia
Give us this day a token gesture
And guarantee us our deposits
In case we decide to vote against you
Mate, don’t tempt us
But keep lowering our interest rates
For thine has the Kingdom,
Though I’m not sure about Swanny,
You look pretty clever,
Ah-Kevin-07.

Rudd also recommended everyone learn a modified version of Psalm 23:
The Lord is my Kevin,
We seem to want
He maketh me to keep confidence
Through economic crises;
He leadeth me
The dwindling surplus by.
He guarantee-eth my deposits;
He leadeth me to keep my cash in the banks
If I’m able to getteth it out of my mortgage trust
Yea, though he powerwalk through the shadow of the valley of death, I will fear no Johnny
You, Rudd, and your staff comfort me
Thou bangeth the table in the presence of your enemies
Thou anointest my wallet with cash
My pension runneth over
Surely recession shall be averted all the days of my life,
And you shall dwell in the Lower House forever.

House of Representatives Speaker Harry Jenkins suggested an alternative prayer:
Mr Speaker,
Who art in the really high chair
Hollow be thy role / Discounted be thy vote
Thy party won
Theirs will be done
Unless it is blocked in the Senate
Give us this day our Dorothy Dixers
And enjoy our trespasses
As we hang shit on those against us
Leak us not about our corruption
But deliver us from the twats on the opposite benches
For thine has the power
To toss us out on our arses
For the rest of the session
Ahh-Mr Speaker

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