Good Next Week (Good News Week 23/2/09: closing)

Tues, Feb. 24
Tuesday is Business Clean Up Australia Day, which is fair enough, as it’s them who fucked it up in the first place.

Tuesday is National Pancake Day! Mick Dodson’s cool with that one. Delicious.

The unveiling of the Queen Mother memorial tomorrow will go horribly wrong when someone calls the Queen a mother.

Tomorrow, Aristocrat Leisure will announce its full-year results – another year of Cuban cigars, golf and rent-boys.

Tomorrow, the Aristocrat Leisure gaming corporation will announce its full-year results, with record profits resulting from government handouts, retrenched workers looking for a win, and stockbrokers just desperate to gamble something, somewhere.

The Brisbane Institute hosts a forum on Queensland’s future tomorrow and concludes it’ll be mostly underwater. Which will give you a great view of the bleached coral.

The Brisbane Institute hosts a forum on Queensland’s future tomorrow and concludes it’s probably in New South Wales.

Tomorrow, Lleyton Hewitt will turn 28, and completely irrelevant. / and into a commentator judging by how his tennis is going.

Wed, Feb. 25
Figures on Aboriginal home ownership will be released by the ABS. (Though it’s rude to call them that…)

On Wednesday it’s the Dubai International Festival of Literature. Will it be any good? Many literature fans are Dubaious…

Wednesday’s Dubai International Festival of Literature will feature not just the world’s hottest authors but also the most parched.

On Wednesday, the National Press Club plays host to the CEO of Foxtel. Wonder if there’s anything else on.

The National Screenwriters’ Conference will be held in Adelaide, but little do they know – this time, it’s personal.

The National Screenwriters’ Conference will be held in Adelaide, but will get off to a bad start when the first speaker turns out to be an imposter, and, after a blazing gun battle with the hero, steals the diamond of power and races off back to his secret lab with the hero’s sister – ending in a killer twist that just has to be seen to be believed!

Thurs, Feb. 26
Brisbane Sexpo opens on Thursday: the warehouse whorehouse you can bring back to your house.

On Thursday it’s the 2009 Brisbane Sexpo. You’ve never seen pumpkin scones get such a pumping.

The inquiry into bank mergers will report in Canberra, with a spokesman from the NABNZ Westernwealth bank saying he’s all for it.

The inquiry into the Environment Protection Act will report in Canberra. Apparently there’s no environmental protection at all – it’s all an Act.

The inquiry into the Environment Protection Act will report in Canberra. According to their findings, it’s no use creating an Environmental Protection Act when we’re the one’s the environment needs protecting from.

On Thursday, the ABS will release the average weekly earnings figures – this year, more average than ever!

Fri, Feb. 27
Friday is the Royal Canberra Show, otherwise known as Parliament.

Friday is the opening of the Royal Canberra Show. This year, the amazing Ruddo makes a surplus disappear! / This year, Kevin the Magnificent turns a surplus into a deficit with a wave of his package!

Friday’s Adelaide Fringe Festival opening party will accidentally clash with the Binge Festival, the Whinge Festival, the Singe Festival and the Minge festival. It’ll be drunks complaining about burnt beaver as far as the eye can see.

Sat, Feb. 28
The inquiry into paid maternity leave was meant to report on Saturday, but everyone on the board was away having babies. / is still out breastfeeding.

U2 will release the follow-up to “How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb”, called “How Bono will Single-handedly Fix the Economic Crisis. And Global Warming.”

U2 will release their new album, called “Old Men Gotta Sing”.

The “Free The Bears” gala fundraiser in Perth will be attended by an irate Goldilocks, shouting for them to be locked away. “And since when did bears eat porridge anyway?”

The “Free The Bears” gala fundraiser in Perth will be followed by the fundraiser for the “No, Free Goldilocks” countergala. Yes, countergala. Look it up.

Sun, Mar. 01
Clean Up Australia Day will begin with a ban on Gordon Ramsey.

Sunday is Clean Up Australia Day. So on Saturday – go on, trash the place.

On Sunday, it’s the Rugby League World Club Challenge. The challenge will be to try to talk without grunting. / spitting.

Leave a Reply