Studying his navel (Good News Week 23/3/09: Strange But True)

An Austrian scientist claims to have solved the mystery of belly-button fluff. And it’s not the Fluff Fairy. / All this time, I’d assumed it was the Fluff Fairy. / Fluff Goblins. / Lintworms.

Over three years, Georg Steinhauser studied 503 pieces of fluff from his own belly-button. And then he had the idea for the research.

He studied his own navel for 3 years. And he’s on the cusp of making a major scientific breakthrough about his arsehole! / about the hairs on his arse!

He tried studying other people’s, but they told him to fluff off. / but people were amazingly protective of their lint. / but those tweezers were really tickly.

That’s what you get when you take away a scientist’s research grants.

He’s the world’s first professional navel gazer.

Turns out contemplating your navel isn’t so useless after all.

Proof that three years spent studying your navel is not necessarily a waste of time.

And I was told NOT to study my navel! Good one, Mum.

He says there’s a type of body hair around the navel that act like a kind of barbed hook, trapping stray pieces of lint and drawing them into the navel. At least that happens with his, but we’ve already established that he’s a freak.

Chemical analysis revealed the pieces of fluff were made up of lint, flecks of dead skin, fat, sweat and dust. And were surprisingly nutty. / delicious.

Chemical analysis revealed the pieces of fluff were made up of lint, dead skin, fat, sweat and dust. Turns out even the cutest little belly button is actually a nauseating cesspit of filth.

Chemical analysis revealed that fluff is actually made from lint, dead skin, fat, sweat and dust. And you don’t want to know what’s in fuzz!

Abdominal hair often seems to grow in concentric circles around the navel, attracting in fluff. It’s like a hairy black hole! (Reminds me of my wedding night.)

Abdominal hair often seems to grow in concentric circles around the navel, attracting in fluff. Apparently, the Bermuda Triangle works in much the same way.

He says that the hairs around his belly-button act like barbed hooks. In fact, he actually prefers to use his own stomach hair when he goes fishing.

He says that the hairs around his belly-button act like barbed hooks, hoisting lint in to the navel. His chest is the hair equivalent of Dr Octopus.

It’s evolutionarily important. Early hominids got through periods of famine by surviving on their little store of jean-fluff.

Dr Steinhauser says that belly-button fluff can be avoided by shaving your belly. It turns out men originally began shaving their face to avoid mouth-fluff. (True. An ancestor of mine died from mouth-fluff.)

It’s bad enough in humans, but you should see how much fluff a gorilla accumulates.

Of course, chocoholics accumulate belly-button Lindt lint. And sometimes mint Lindt lint. Delicious.

It seemed like a navel idea. / He just did it for the navelty.

Apparently, certain kinds of hairs act like hooks, and force the fluff into the belly button. Yup, three years of research for THAT.

Apparently your clothes can lose up to one thousandth of their weight to the belly button over the course of a year. We’d better do something fast – in a thousand years, we’ll all be naked!

Dr Steinhauser established that shaving one’s belly will result in a fluff-free navel. Unfortunately, you also end up with a prepubescent stomach.

Dr Steinhauser established that shaving one’s belly will result in a fluff-free navel. Unfortunately, no-one cares. / no-one cares what the little freak says.

Body piercings can also be used to prevent build up, with navel rings sweeping away belly-button fluff, and labial piercings trapping unsightly cunt-dust. / vadge-dust. / fanny-dust. / flap-dust.

Now I understand why women get the full Brazilian – it’s to cut down on flapdust!

Now that he’s got navel fluff sorted, he’s moving on to dickcheese and crunt.

Dr Steinhauser suggests that if you want a clean belly-button, either shave your belly or find a research project that reminds you to clean it.

After 3 years and 503 pieces of fluff, Dr Steinhauser now has the cleanest belly-button in the world!

Dr Steinhauser doesn’t know what he’s going to do with the 503 pieces of fluff. But he’s really afraid of sneezing. / Might turn them back into a pair of pants. / Reckons he’ll probably just put it all back.

And now that he’s gotten 503 pieces of belly-button fluff, he needs a massive pair of tweezers.

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