Good News Week

Cannifornia (Good News Week 23/3/09: What’s The Story?)

A member of the Californian govt. announced he was introducing legislation that would not only legalise marijuana, but allow the state to tax the $20 billion a year industry. California a hotbed of drugs? Surely not – that’s the home of family entertainment! / the entertainment world!

California. Of ALL places.

All America’s stoners will be making a bee-line for California. Like they weren’t already.

They’re also thinking of making pot-smoking legal on Coney Island.

He really wants the laws changed before the next Pink Floyd tour. / before Cypress Hill tour next.

It will be regulated like alcohol. Phew – that means there’s no way it’ll ever get to teenagers then!

It will be regulated like alcohol. So no bongs until you’re 21 – although, you can have a little toke of your dad’s spliff on special occasions.

It will be regulated like alcohol. Teenagers will need really good fake ID. / will need to rely on their older siblings. / on the kindness of strangers.

The plan is to model it after the way governments regulate alcohol or tobacco. That is, the government will get rich at the expense its citizens’ health, while claiming they actually care because they put a little warning sticker on the packet.

Up till now, Californian dope lovers had to do their darndest to develop some sort of serious illness.

It’ll certainly make Disneyland more interesting.

Well it works for Amsterdam. They can say “dude” in four languages.

It could insulate Californians from the worst of the financial crisis. Or mean that they don’t care.

It could insulate Californians from the worst of the financial crisis. All they’ll care about is the cost of doughnuts.

It will also cut down on carbon emissions from car exhausts. Everyone will just smoke pot and fly home.

Potheads will still prefer the illegal route. Taxation is for the breadheads, man.

Haight-Ashbury will be the new centre of high finance. / Taxing dope gives a whole new meaning to high finance.

Of course, it’s really just a cunning plan by the government to wipe out pot smoking. Who’s going to smoke pot when the government says it’s okay?

It helps wipe out crime, by making crimes no longer criminal.

If only there was some way they could legalise carjacking and streetwalking, California would be virtually crime-free!

If there was only some way they could tax fake tans, unemployed actors, cosmetic surgery and failure, California would be the richest place on earth!

They’re going to legalise smoking pot, as long as they can make crunking illegal. / ban nude rollerblading.

Not only it cut down on law-enforcement costs and improve the economy through the taxes, but the state will make a fortune in munchies.

Well you know California does have a huge green economy.

Sales of marijuana would be banned to anyone under 21, so there’s still plenty of room for the dealers.

Sales of marijuana would be banned to anyone under 21, so they will be missing out on about 90 percent of the market.

The move is also expected to stamp out the illegal dope trade and instead make all the drug barons legal fortunes.

Because if there’s one group you can guarantee will forward all due taxes, it’s drug barons. / you can be sure will pay their tax, it’s drug barons.

There’s been cries of discrimination from crack-heads, speed-freaks, and junkies. But a chorus of “Join Us,” from the alcoholics. “Join Us…”

He said he’s going to implement the new laws whether anyone else likes it or not. So put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.

Assemblyman Tom Ammiano says that, although some people think he’s a bit green, a bit potty, even a dope, he’s been hashing it out for a long time, mulling over the idea, letting it bubble away. He used to be against it, but he’s turned over a new leaf, and now that the smoke’s cleared he’s decided the time is right to pipe up.

Opponents say that this could end up being a major problem, and that they should nip it in the bud – before their state goes up in smoke.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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