Glass House

Pain in the neck PM (The Glass House 12/10/05)

PM John Howard says scrapping unfair dismissal laws will be a hit with fellow workers because it will allow “pains in the neck” to be sacked. The trade unions have been outraged at the comment. Particularly the Vampire’s Guild.

You will be able to be sacked for being “a pain in the neck”. Other acceptable grounds for dismissal are “uses too much toilet paper”, “eats too much garlic” and “I don’t like your tie”.

You still get to keep your job if you break promises, lie, or even if you approve of killing people. Otherwise Johnny’d be the first to go.

Peter Costello has seized on the comments and immediately drawn up a list of “pains in the neck” that he’d like his boss to sack. Number one: his boss.

Howard wants to implement the new laws as soon as possible. “That Costello’s a real pain in the neck.”

Pain-in-the-neck bosses are still OK though. After all, someone‘s got to do all that sacking…

Employers have leapt at the chance to sack pains in the neck. So far they’ve sacked nine vampires, eleven dodgy chiropractors, four insufficiently-stuffed pillows, and a guy with a neck-poking fork. Seriously, he was really annoying.

Under the proposal, the three warning system will be replaced by a rating for each employee on a scale between “Pain in the Neck” and “Little Goody Two Shoes”. Although employees that have really gone too far will be classified as a “Right Royal Fucktard”.

Mr Howard said that it’s a point that’s overlooked by many of his union critics. Yeah, they’ve been too busy focusing on workers’ rights and people being sacked for no reason. How pig-headed of them.

You’re still allowed to claim “unlawful dismissal” if you’ve been given the sack for a reason to do with sex, race, or religion. But not if you’ve been sacked for no reason at all…

Making co-workers “cranky” is now also a sackable offence, so everyone’s tiptoeing around each other, making each other cups of tea and cooking lamingtons. Sure is a different vibe these days at the local mechanics.

Even if you do your job really well, you can still be sacked for making your co-workers “cranky”. The boss can then sack them for making you cranky. So at least you get revenge.

People are much crankier at work now. Either there are a lot more pains in the neck now, or they’re just shit-scared of losing their job for no reason…

Making your co-workers cranky is now a sackable offence… except at Cranks R Us, the Crankfactory and Crank Hut. Where it’s compulsory.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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