Conspiracy Course (The Glass House 12/10/05)

The University of Derby’s Sociology course now offers a subject on conspiracy theories called “apocalyptic and paranoid cultures”. It’s also the title of Mark Latham’s latest book about the Labor party.

There is a new course studying conspiracy theories. At least, that’s what some people claim. I want to see the evidence.

The students will study different conspiracy theories about the death of Princess Diana: that she was killed by the Queen; that she was killed by the Illuminati; that she was killed by the three-headed moth people dwelling on the inside of the Hollow Earth; or, weirdest of all, that she was killed by massive head trauma after slamming into a concrete pillar.

Students will fail their essays if they support theories with too much evidence.

Students will have to do the course wearing a special tin-foil hat, which will enable them to hear the exam questions being read out by multidimensional aliens.

The course is actually a front for a group of Satan-worshipping Freemasons. They’re operating out of the cafeteria and hope to one day control the whole Union Building!

On the surface it just appears to be a regular sociology course; you only discover it’s about conspiracies if you do the course backwards.

Students will study outlandish theories like ‘Iraq has WMDs’, ‘refugees were thrown overboard’, and ‘John Howard is a human being’.

Students learn why Freemasons wear bibs and aprons; nothing ruins a nice pair of slacks like human blood.

They were going to offer a subject about the Bermuda Triangle, but the lecturer mysteriously disappeared…

At the end of the year the students have to hand-in three essays and a crop circle.

The course will show that many so-called conspiracies are actually true: George W Bush was a member of the elite Skull And Bones society in Yale, Arnold Schwarzenegger did marry into the powerful Kennedy family, and if you stick a Speak N Spell onto an umbrella you can beam signals to other galaxies.

One of the theories studied is that of the highly popular David Icke, who claims that the world is being run by shape-shifting reptilians from the lower Fourth Dimension. Apparently the Fourth Dimension has multiple dimensions.

He discovered it when he was (duck down) in the lower Third Dimension…

According to Icke, world leaders like George Bush and the Royal Family are part of an elite family of fourth-dimensional aliens who drink human blood to help them to shapeshift into their reptilian forms. “All provable!” he says. “Just take this pure LSD and you’ll see!”

According to Icke, reptiles have give-away names. Queen Elisabeth is “Queen El-Lizard-Birth”, Prince Charles is “Prince Snarls”, and Prince William is “Prince Kill-Them”. [note: the first one is what Icke really says…]

The fourth dimension is conveniently unable to be seen by regular human beings. We have to rely on reports from rogue elements in the reptilian hierarchy. / We have to rely on Pinky Beacroft.

Of course the reptiles have their own problems, dealing with the vicious fish people of the higher fourth dimension. In fact I think Icke is one of them! Like the Icke-thiosaur – the dreaded fish-lizard! We’re all doomed – DOOOOMED!!

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