Boom in affairs (GNW 25/5/09: Strange But True)

Affairs are booming in the recession. There’s nothing more appealing than an illicit affair with someone who has no idea how much financial shit you’re in. / no idea of your real bank balance.

After all, having an affair is one of the few activities left where you CAN pay with sexual favours.

An American agency which enables adulterers to meet each other online has seen its membership go from 1 million to 3.6 million in 12 months. See what happens when you let the Democrats get into office? The country’s moral fibre collapses!

Their motto is “Life is Short. Have an Affair.” And it’s true – if I was ever caught having an affair, my life would be very short indeed.

To them, it’s only cheating if you don’t pay up.

In these times of financial crisis, it’s good to see people are still willing to pay for a good extramarital root.

Money can’t buy you love – but it can get you a bit on the side!

Marriage, unlike a mortgage, relies on there always being high levels of interest.

Sure, the economy is crap, but hot flings will always have high levels of interest.

With the anonymous dating service, not only can you cheat on your marital partner, but you can cheat on all your other partners too!

But it turns out we’ve got it back to front. We’re actually in a global financial crisis because our high-powered executives blew all our money on mistresses.

With our executives all so obsessed with tits and arse, it’s no wonder our economies are all tits over arse.

The National Football League turned down an ad the agency wanted to run during the Super Bowl, but the decision gave them loads of free publicity. In fact most other American companies are thinking of adding adultery to their list of services just to cut their advertising bills.

These days, some people only get married for the adultery.

Membership has tripled in the last 12 months – although many members are using other affairs-agencies on the side. Shhhh!

The founder says that many couples who would’ve had costly divorces are choosing to have much cheaper affairs instead. See – it’s actually keeping people together!

Not only is the financial crisis great for adulterers, but as a result it’s also a godsend for private detectives and hitmen.

Of course it’s a bit of a risk to market entirely to people who don’t mind lying and cheating, which is why you always have to apply in advance with your credit card or your spouse’s details.

It’s a perfect service for when the spouse you met online doesn’t end up living up to your expectations. Raise your unrealistic hopes anew!

It’s perfect for anyone who’s looking to meet a lying, cheating creep!

Inevitably, the odd romance has sprung up and some couples that met on the site have ended up getting married. I’m sure it’ll last this time.

The web site is a great place for meeting people for “no-strings-attached” affairs. But if any sort of emotional attachment develops, your account will be suspended.

Online affairs! They’re like heaps of porn with too much Viagra!

The web site pretty much reflects how affairs start in real life… “Hey baby, I’m here to clean your cache…”

The web site offers not just an anonymous meeting place, but also a trail of evidence for divorce proceedings.

So the world’s finances might be plummeting, but at least there’s an upturn in our pants.

So the world’s finances might be plummeting, but at least our morals are as low as they can go.

Of course, this not only has trickle-down effects for the economy – condom manufacturers, cheap hotels, flower-shops – but trickle-down effects for your leg.

The web site has 3.6 million members! No wonder God hates America.

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